416. On bad days.

On days like this, I want to stay in bed.  I want to avoid the world and be alone.  I blog on bad days.
Here’s the thing though. I’ve had more good days lately, than bad.  I should be writing about those.

This past week I’ve been reducing my zopiclone and diazepam usage. I’ve been playing with and loving little man.  I’ve been productive work wise, and have even 99% landed an external examiner post.  I’ve been on my bike, I’ve been cuddling with OH.  I’ve been having argument free chats with dearest sister.  I’ve been puking less and no self harm.  I’ve been doing well.

The reality here is that, to some extent COVID lockdown is giving me breathing space, a chance to bond, a chance to reset.

Today was a bad day, but the week has been good.

Focus on the good!!!
Loopy x

322. Clingy…

This time last year, I genuinely feared that my son hated me. One year on and I have a total anaconda on my hands!

Teeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!; I hear bellowing relentlessly around the house. I hope he always calls me Tee.

He clutches to my leg and wraps himself around me, he demands that only I take him for his pee pees and ony I will do at bedtime. There is no doubt that he loves me, no doubt that he sees me as his protector and play mate, but oh my word; it’s exhausting!!!!

I assume this clingy phase will pass.

Loopy x

297. A shock.

Today I went into work, for what was supposed to be my final time.

It was a day full of saddness and shock as myself and colleagues learned that one of our own sadly passed away last night.

The mood was understandibly low as everyone tried to process the news. She was in charge of all our labs. She was the go to person if we had issues with our practical classes, but more than this, she was a really really nice lady who has been taken far too soon.

The teaching labs will never be the same again. It really hit me though that she has left behind a grieving family. A family that would give anything to spend more time with her.

I sway back and forth on the positives and negatives of us moving back home. Today I’m grateful that I’ve resigned. I’m grateful that myself, OH and little man will spend more time with our families.

That’s what life is really about isn’t it? On our death beds, none of us will be wishing that we worked more!!!! Call the ones you love today, because tomorrow they might not be here…..

Loopy x

285. I’m phoning Dad.

My father has always been the more affectionate of my parents. He has tried to shower us with kisses and hugs and warmth at times, and I’ve always awkwardly recieved them, often pulling away from him.

That is how my mum reacts and that is how I’ve learned to react. It seems a little cruel to me now, that I’ve essentially shot him down so many times, despite wishing my mum would act more like him.

Psychology has helped me to realise that my father really loves me, and that I give love, much like he does. I will no longer shoot him down. I will hug him with all my might, I will phone him more, and I will end every call, with ;”I love you too Dad”.

I’ve already started, and you know what; it’s awesome…

I love you Dad!!!

Loopy x

192. Wanting to get better.

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure I’d keep blogging after hospital discharge, but I find it therapeutic.

Thank you, to all off you who follow my blog, keep my hits counter ticking over, hit like on my posts and make me feel a little less alone in this world.

I have good days and bad days, switching from suicidal to hopeful, but I do want to get better.

The gym sessions, the cycle rides, the coffee dates, and today’s return to the toddler group are all about improving my physical and mental fitness. I have developed some good habits and held tightly to some bad ones, but I’m learning gradually to be a little kinder to myself.

I’m also more determined now to find activities or hobby’s that are just for me, that will break the cycle of Mum first, lecturer 2nd and exhausted 3rd.

My return to work is edging closer now, and I know the dangers of not putting myself first from time to time.

Be kind to yourself today, even if you’re faking it, you deserve something nice. We all do.

Loopy x

164. Searching for sun rays.

I’m struggling to be positive. My forecast calls for rain, but today I guess I found some sun rays. There was a tsunami in my bathroom, that brought me smiles and laughter. No one tells you just how much splashing little hands can do. Nor do they tell you that a cheeky smile through mounds of suds is enough to fill your heart with joy.

I’ve been trying really hard with little man. I’ve surrendered to his constant calls for attention, his constant gŕabbing of my hands and he’s paying me back with love.

2 months ago, I would have sworn he hated me, but I know now that he doesn’t. I’m constantly doubting my abilities to care for him, constantly beating myself up for failing him, but he loves me. He Loves ME!!

Hang on to that..

Loopy x

113.Thoughtfulness from an unexpected source.

Somtimes thoughtfulness showers us from an unexpected source. That’s exactly what happened to me today.  I’ve just arrived home from taking little man to soft play and on my doorstep I found a parcel. The parcel contained a beautiful bouqet of flowers from my boss and all my work colleagues.  I am truely touched by the gesture.  It’s nice to know that even though I have been physically absent, I have remained within their thoughts.

I’m quite nervous about the prospect of returning to work, but maybe it won’t be as daunting as I’ve imagined.

Loopy x.t

2FD3DC25-18E5-44BF-ACC0-573AB841019C.jpeg