298. Stand offs.

We’re in the throws of the terrible two’s. Little man has my temper, coupled with OH’s stubberness. This makes for an explosive cocktail!

We’ve been good so far on the united parenting front. When we say no, we mean no!!! Little man is certainly testing the boundaries; throwing himself on the floor, squealing and shrieking like something possessed and ultimately testing my patience to it’s limits.

We’ve been good though, no raised voices or shouting. We just calmly stand our grand, which is a huge departure from how I was raised. A quick slap was the tool of choice during my upbringing. Not excessively by any means but used nonetheless.

Psychology has helped myself and OH to map out our own path on the family front, not conforming to our own parents ideals. Its not as easy as it sounds.

Loopy x

276. The talk.

How many people do you know, that would set up an interviews, whilst still in hospital? That’s exactly what I’ve done. It would be fine if I didn’t also have to prep a talk for it.

“How would you identify and quantify proteins and why is this knowledge important for medical laboratory scientists?”

I’m thinking about this, as I sit on the floor, in my favourite spot on the psych ward. It’s a bizarre experience. Tonight should be my last sleep in here, with tomorrow night being spent at home before discharge.

My interview is over Skype the day after. What in earth was I thinking!!! You need to learn to rest loopy!!!

Loopy x

262. Ligatures and lost dreams.

I had done it. I had landed a premium position at a Russell group university. It was my dream job. I had worked so hard to get to that point and now……..

Now I’m probably throwing it all away. Now I can see no better options but to relinquish this positiin and head, tail between my legs for home.

I simply couldn’t cope. This morning I tied a sheet around my neck and flopped head thumping to the floor. It wasn’t tight enough, and staff found me.

I want to do it again, tighter this time… I want someone to take my angst away. I want to feel like less of a failure. I want to die.

I really don’t know how to continue living.

Loopy x

256. It’s all in my head?

Today, I phoned for my blood test results. I had a full work up. The voice on the line said; “yes they’re all normal”

I don’t understand. I don’t believe her. I want to see the numbers and rhe the eeferenxe ranges. I don’t know how this is possible. I was sure they’d indicate some physcal deficiency. I’d hoped for it. Something we could “treat” to make me feel better.

Most people would be thrilled to get the all clear. I’m devastated.

I don’t understand…….

Is it all in my head?

Loopy x

219. The hardest thing to let go off.

In the quest for better mental health and a better life balance, I’ve made some huge changes. What may surprise you, is the thing that I’ve found toughest to let go off.

IRONING!!!!! I’m an obsessive ironer. Every little item packed in little man’s nursery bag was maticoulsly pressed, and folded. It was ironed again if staff disrupted his bag through out the day

My work clothes were also pressed into oblivion, and I couldn’t leave for work if I noticed a rogue indentation.

Creases made me cringe. Creases induced anxiety and frustration. Creases were my nemesis. Creases noticed on other commuters clothes irritated me, and honestly made me think a little less off them.

During my stay in hospital, it was not the patient outbursts, lack of liberty, mediocre food or lack of mental stimulation that tortured me.

No!, by far the hardest thing to cope with, was those gut wrenching moments when I had to remove my laundry, all wrinkled and deshevelled from sitting in a dryer over night. I remember once asking the nightstaff if I could get my clothes at midnight. The dagger stare that I was met with, whuch screamed: piss off, was rage inducing. What they didn’t know was that leaving my clothes to wrinkle overnight, meant sleep was hard to come by, as the anxiety took hold.

The thing about ironing and ‘re ironing after every wear, is that it eats up soon much time. It takes away from time spent with little man and OH. It reduces down time, and for what????

So I’ve let go off ironing. I no longer steam little man’s clothes obsessively,. I allow myself weekends in slightly wrinkled clobber.

As for my work clothes????? Well come on now. YOU HAVE TO IRON WORKWEAR!!!

Loopy x.

206. The plan.

Tonight my brain is working overdrive. There is now a plan in place for my return to work. I’m going back next Thursday 31st Jan with a 9.30 am start.

I will work 1 day next week, 2 days the following and gradually build up to 4 days per week.

In terms of days worked I now need to try and change little mans days at nursery. I didn’t get the Tuesdays off I was hoping for. There are reasons for this that I can accept, but it probably means losing out on the toddler group unless they can accimadatw me on another day.

I’m trying to be optimistic this evening. I’m telling myself that this is a positive step. Work will give me a focus, give me another reason to get up in the morning. Work will give me back adult conversations and a sense of status. I used to be proud of what I do.

Am I scared?; YES!

Am I catastrophising? YES

Am I fit to return?; only time will tell.

Can I do this?; Both K and CPN would gently stroke my arm and say YES. It has to be YES. There’s no going back now.

Loopy x

202. Occupational Health Review.

Well it’s official, I’m going back to work. It took some lies and half truths, but the doc eventually agreed it will be good for me.

I’ve read his report;;” I recommend that Dr. Loopy is completely supernumarery for the first couple off weeks” This makes me feel a bit pathetic. I can return but not be entrusted with anything. I can return but treat me delicately or I might crack.

I’m at the stage where I do need to go back. Financially we can’t struggle on any longer and I need another reason to get up in the morning.

I’m scared though; absolutely petrified that I’ll crumble again. I’ve not recovered to quite the extend I would have hoped for by now.

I guess I’ll never truly know how I’ll cope until I try. So tomorrow I shall phone my boss and set the wheels in motion.

Loopy x