223. The best day.

Today has been fantastic. The sun was out, little man was in good form, and a dear friend came to visit.

For the first time in quite a while, I felt…. . I felt normal. I was in control of household chores, in control of little man, and in control of my emotions. There were no inexplicable outbursts today, no desires to burn and no little voice in my head telling me I’m awful.

To see my friend, who is doing so well, was great. We played with little man, walked on the beach and basked in our freedom.

I need to remember today. I need to hold on to this good feeling and remind myself when dark clouds ascend; that I am capable off normal, I am capable of laughing and smiling with a friend. I am capable of finding joy whilst dancing with my 2 y.ear old.

Tonight I shall begin prep for a lecture I’m due to give on Friday Tonight it doesn’t feel so daunting

There will be more good days Loopy. Honestly there will.

Loopy x

214. It was boss!!

Today for the first time ever, I got to spend time with S, outside the confines of a hospital visiting area. Today was the first time, we both basked in freedom, drank mochas and laughed from the pit of our bellies. She has not yet been discharged, but her progress has been such that she is allowed accompanied leave. In her words; “It was boss!!”

She continues to inspire me, and although those days in a psych ward were some of my darkest, they brought me a friendship that was unexpected, and a friend who makes me stronger.

Loopy x.

200. A smile that lifted me.

I took a lot from the time I spent on a psychiatric ward. I learned that there are amazing people in this world. I was cacooned in a place of safety and warmth (ignoring the odd erratic patient outbursts). I met people who in the face of staff shortages, shit pay, and regular abuse; gave themselves wholly to the caring of others.

They are truly inspirational, but the one who inspires me the most, was my room neighbour, football companion, confidante and the newest member off my treasured friends list.

I went to visit her today; and her smile and progress since my last visit have lifted my spirits this evening. She was moved to a different unit, and it hit her hard, but today I met a girl transformed. A girl with hope and drive to beat her demons. A girl whose battles are greater than mine, but her strength and resolve are remarkable. I’ve told her many times that 2019 will be our year!!! Chatting and laughing with her today has given me some hope, for both off us.

Come on S, we can do this!

Loopy x

197. BJJ and kickboxing.

I’ve had endless conversations with my psychologist and my CPN about finding hobbies again. Endless conversations about improving my social circle and I’ve always come back with, ‘I don’t know what I like, or indeed used to like.

I don’t care much for girly chats about fashion, shopping, manicures and the latest trends in dieting. I feel ugly in groups of women and judged.

I’m a Tom boy, through and through, and I’ve been thinking lately about the judo I used to do at uni and the lovely support worker who brought in pads and gloves for me to use in hospital. I’ve been googling local clubs lately and trying to muster up the courage to go.

I changed my outfit like 4 times, brushed my teeth 5 times, kept scolding the reflection in my mirror but I did it. I managed to go out of my comfort zone and try a new class.

The BJJ and kick boxing, that I’ve just attended, may be the answer to venting all the angst and rage that I used to vent with “Wilson”

Loopy x

183. 1 Beer

Tonight I saw old friends and we laughed and joked like old times. I was nervous, but thankfully they had sickened themselves with a few nights binge drinking before I got home, so there was much less pressure to drink. I nursed a Bud and stopped at 1.

We had fun playing board games and generally ripping the piss out of each other. One off my closest allies growing up will be off to Australia again in a few days, and it will likely be a few years before he’s home again.

I’m glad I came home. I’m glad I could enjoy the company off my friends and right now lying in bed, I’m glad that gale force winds and lashing rain are battering my bedroom window.

This is what home is meant to be like.

Loopy x

175. The Toddler Group.

I was nervous, sweaty palmed and my heart was racing. I wasn’t 100% sure where exactly I was going, but as I got nearer, I noticed a group of buggy pushers up ahead and I stalked them. Once inside, I watched other Mums and Dads greet each other, exchange tales of children running wild, and queue up. This lot knew what they were doing.

Little man’s name wasn’t on the list, and with a line of families behind me, I had to awkwardly explain why I was there.

The big hall was full of life; parents chatiing, toys being bashed, and little people causing havoc.

Little man was full of wonder and dragged me from toy to toy. About 20 minutes in, my guardian arrived. I’d not spoken with anyone, nor been spoken to, and Oh god I was glad to see her.

I don’t think this is the role of a nursery nurse but I was grateful for her support. On occasion she left me in the wilderness and I watched, a little in awe, as she struck up conversations with other members. She didn’t know anyone either, but she took it in her stride.

I’ve always been a little shy, but ballsy genetics from my father’s side have on occasion enabled me to fake it. Now though, now I’m a lost little girl, afraid of everything and everyone. I’m trying to find my way back, but I’m not sure if I ever will.

Looking for the positives, little man behaved better than expected and despite my fears, I pushed myself to go.

I won’t have my guardian next time, but I’ve agreed to go again. Who knows, I might even say hello to someone.

Loopy x

148. Reset, Reboot and Go.

Today was about getting back on track.  I’ve had a troubled few days, but I’ve hit the reset button, and am ready to start looking after myself again.

I visited a friend today.  I talked in an earlier blog about the temporary friends you make when you’re in a psych hospital, but I failed to mention that I also made a keeper. I visited her today. Chatting with her helped me to gain some perspective. I can recognise disordered thinking in others.  It’s as glaringly obvious as a bright sun in clear blue skies. This friend of mine, is someone who has no idea how beautiful she is both inside and out, and unfortunately it’s slowly destroying her. Someone made a comment to her today; “you’re looking really well.” My friend gave me an insight into the hell that is body dysmorphia, because this well meaning comment equated to “You’ve gained weight” By the time I saw her at lunchtime, she’d done 60,000 steps. I wish I could help her, but I can’t.  I also need to tread a little carefully as I have a habit of taking on other peoples baggage.

Seeing her though has made me thankful that I’m out, and made me determined to work a little harder on finding the right path to better mental health.

I’ve just come back from the gym and it has made me feel good this evening. Now if only I could stop my mirtazapine…………

Loopy x.