263. A horrible person.

I am so ashamed of how I’m feeling. Everyone is asking me to talk more, but I fear they’ll realise just how horrible I am.

I want to give up. I want to leave little man in ireland, abandon OH, and take no more breaths on this earth.

I’m a quitter, a waste of space and I’ve been experimenting with ligatures.

I’m no good for either of them anyway. Im no good for anyone.

Just do it loopy, end your pain.

Loopy

259. I don’t like the truth.

Yesterday I was told; “everybody has worries in their life”

Today I was told “you have a lot more than some people”

Both the statements are true, but both of them stung me like a knife in the chest. Both off them felt like a personal attack. Both of them sounded just like my mum.
I wanted C today. I’m a little scared of seeing her again, after hanging up on her, but I hope we’ll be ok. I need her.

I’ve just taken my bike out. 35 minutes pumping as hard as I possibly could. I’m still a jittery, agitated mess.

The truth hurts!

Loopy x

256. It’s all in my head?

Today, I phoned for my blood test results. I had a full work up. The voice on the line said; “yes they’re all normal”

I don’t understand. I don’t believe her. I want to see the numbers and rhe the eeferenxe ranges. I don’t know how this is possible. I was sure they’d indicate some physcal deficiency. I’d hoped for it. Something we could “treat” to make me feel better.

Most people would be thrilled to get the all clear. I’m devastated.

I don’t understand…….

Is it all in my head?

Loopy x

255. The impossible question.

Do you have a plan to end your life?

I’ve lost it, completely lost it. My capacity to function with some sense of normality, has gone. I felt sorry for my CPN today. I was her last appointment, and it wasn’t a “yes everything is great, you can go home early kind of chat” Did I mention that I’ve lost it?

I could see her rapidly calculating risk, going through the “toolkit” of mental health evaluations. Do we need to call 999, or will she last until tomorrow?

And then I was asked, that question that always seems so bizarre to me. Answer wrong and I’d be shipped off to somewhere “safe”.

Off course I’ve thought about it. Imagined my red long sleeve t-shirt, knotted tight! around my neck. I’ve played it over and over and over, in my mind. I’ve pictured the scene that would await, police, or paramedics, or worse OH and my beautiful little boy. I’ve thought about, the logistics, off flying me home. The anger over delays, and paperwork, that would draw out an already difficult time.

Right now I’m staring at my clothes iron. Hair straighteners aren’t working anymore. I can’t get any relief. Would a larger more intense burn help?

I answered the question correctly. She left, which is partly what I wanted her to do. The other part, wanted a hug. A tight, body stabilising, “you’ve got this! hug.

Loopy x.

245. Setting goals.

“I don’t know”

Its probably a bad sign when your CPN utters these words But she did, several times today. They don’t know what to do with me. She’s going to arrange a psych review because in her words “3 heads are better than one”

I’m lost, I’m tired, and I’m scared. I need reassurance, not doubts. Everyone keeps asking me what is happy loopy like? What does happy loopy do? I don’t know!!!

What do you hope to get out of treatment? What are your goals??? Again I don’t know!!! The only thing I know, is that I’m desperanely sad, desperately lonely and I’m using self destructive behaviours in an attempt to cope.

Where on earth do I go from here? Should I quit my job? Should I move back home? Should I part ways with OH or should I just quit life. Accept that it’s not meant for me, and bid farewell to this torture for good.

Right now, I should stop being a selfish cow, and I should offer comfort to OH. His Dad is currently on an operat8ng table in a different country, undergoing major bypass surgery, and it’s lasting longer than expected.

Get a grip loopy!!

Loopy x

240. Hypotensive?

I’m not sure but I think my blood pressure has dropped. A combination of weight loss, hard gym sessions, weeping burns and my overuse of sedatives could certainly be the cause.

I’m nauseous, fatigued, have a reduced appetite, get dizzy, have headaches and I’m shaky, unbelievably shaky.

I hope it’s hypotension. My list of symptoms could also indicate a struggling liver.

I’m quite worried.

Loopy x

234. Just a minute!

“Maybe we should bring the buggy!!” came bellowing from Just outside my bedroom door.

Seriously Mum, please just bugger off for a few minutes. You were down stairs a second ago, why the hell can you not stay there for just a few minutes!!!

I can’t get any flipping time alone with my straighteners this weekend. Between OH and mum being here. I could scream!!!!

I’m a mess, and I desperately need to burn.

I’m feeling defeated again.

Loopy x