I’ve caused so much stress and fear and worry. I had no idea, I still had followers from my previous location.
At about 5am thus morning, OH rolled me over and whispered softly; “loopy there’s a police man here to talk to you” My instant thought was oh crap, I’m being arrested for possession!!
But no, he was here to check on my wellbeing.. He was here because someone identified a risk, and they acted on it. He was here because someone cares.
You know who you are. (I wish I did too, so that I could call or email you, thank you, and reassure you that I’m ok.). I wish you were still involved with my care.
I’m not really ok, but this whole episode has prompted OH into action, it has prompted me to be more aware of the impacts of my actions. I spoke last night to teary parents, and a cousin that the police had traced in efforts to find me. I awoke to a phone inundated with missed calls and messages.
I’m going to demand more help. I’m going to check out private care. I’m going to somehow get through the next few days.
Whoever you are, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.
Loopy x
Tag: guilt
341. Flumps
I love flumps. I’ve enjoyed them since childhood. Today however, flumps are proving quite troublesome. For those of you unsure, flumps are marshmallow logs, that are bloomin delicious.
I enjoy them immensely but like many sweet treats, soon after consumption, the guilt and self loathing sets in.
I’m purging again. I need to, I’m grotesque. If you’re suffering from disordered eating and purging, I have a word of warning for you…..
Flumps FLOAT!!!!!!!, making them very difficult to flush 😦
Loopy x
289. Teeeeeee!!!
I heard it bellowed in the airport, once the initial confusion passed, and he realised Mummys home!!!
My little man embraced me, with the best cuddle I’ve ever had. He smiled, and giggled and held my hand tightly. After 11 weeks of distance, I was worried, but I needn’t have been.
It was exactly what I needed. It was exactly what he needed. We’re a family again, and one that I must work harder to sustain. I must do better for you.
I love you little man, and I’ll always be your Teeeeee!!!
Loopy x
288. Little man.
The last time I saw my little man in the flesh, was as I waved goodbye to him at the psych hospital door. It has been 11 weeks and although I’ve face timed him, I’m not sure how he will receive me tomorrow.
I can’t wait to hug him, and tell him that I love him, but I’m also terrified that our bond is irreparably broken.
I feel like I abandoned him (again). I feel like he was happy during my absence and thus would be better off without unstable me in his life. I feel so much guilt, for almost leaving him permanently during my last dumb overdose. I really could have died, and yet sitting here now waiting for what tomorrow will bring, I’m craving sleeping pills, or self harm, or………. something to stop my racing head. I need better coping mechanisms. I need help.
My little man deserves a better mum. I hope, with all my heart that I can be just that…….
What if I fail again?
Loopy x.
176. Being reckless.
It’s pitch dark, chilly out, and I’ve just come back from a bike ride. I was asked the other day if I prefer the gym, or bike? I couldn’t really answer.
I prefer the gym for tracking calories burned, and the little competitive streak in me, thrives on turning my machines resistance up, just a notch above the guy or girl sweating beside me.
I favour the bike though, for sheer fun. 10 year old Tom boy Loopy rises from the ashes, and thrives on jumping kerbs, going flat out on hill slopes and leaning just a little to deep and fast into corners. On the odd occasions I can lose myself, and clear my mind, it’s magic.
Tonight though I’ve pushed my luck a little. I have no sense of direction, but something made me go down roads I’ve not travelled before. Something made me head for darkness and not care where I ended up. I was a little reckless and honestly lucky I found my way back.
I’ve been reckless lately, doing things I shouldn’t and holding back on the absolute truths of how I’m coping. My arms are a mess and my personal hygiene is crying out for a good scrub
Loopy x.
169. Flashbacks.
I headed off at dusk, light rain in my face, a chill that called for gloves and my headlight dipped. It’s been a while since I’ve whirred a chain, and whizzed along the sea front.
It started well, but soon flashes of fiery red curly hair surrounding tear filled tired eyes, interupted the focus of my beam ahead. She was just too young to fully understand, but just old enough to know that Daddy’s never coming home.
Each wave crashing on the rocks, echoed the slapping of a deadly calm sea disturbed only by the racing of a RIB for shore. Emergency services lay in waiting, but it would be too late.
The men shouted at me to gaze forwards and watch for bouys, it wasn’t until some years later that I realised this was an attempt to save the innocence of a young girl who’d not long graduated from childhood. It was too late though, I’d seen it all.
Come on Loopy, shake it off, focus on the path ahead. Switching to full beam as darkness settled, intensified the darkness in my head. Every turning of the crank brought images off those oxygen starved blue lips and grown men fighting back tears as they pounded on a water filled chest.
I’m so sorry. I could have, and should have done more.
I love the sea………..and I hate it!!!
Loopy x.
136.A quivering lip that melts my heart.
As we pulled up to the nursery Little man was in good spirits. He clasped my hand as I led him into the toddler room. Then it happened. His little bottom lip turned out and quivered. His eyes filled with tears as he saw me abandoning him, and my heart broke!
These are the moments that torture me. Guilt swells from the pit of my stomach, and it crushes me, just a little more each time.
I want to be his caregiver, fun provider, story teller, dance partner, wrestling companion, mess making comrade, snuggle monster, and best friend, but our world is such that I have to work, and it’s killing me.
Loopy x.
92. Fat as a butchers dog!
I’ve just pulled on my pj’s and causght sight of myself in the mirror. I have more rolls than a bakery!!!! I am becoming grotesquely fat. I am disguisted in myself. I’ve not had any gym sessions this week, partly due to my quietiapine hangovers (which today have eased) but also because the staff member who brings me over hasn’t come around.
Looking at myself is making me want to take a scalpel to my mid section. Not literally off course but I would love to rid myself off this fat.
Feeling very ugly tonight.
Loopy x.
91. Consumed with worry.
Today I’m freaking out. I blogged yesterday about my hidden concerns that my little man is showing signs of autism. Last night I questioned family specifically on the topic as they are looking after him right now. My sister reaffirmed my suspicions. They’ve also identified little ideosyncracies in him.
I am shaking as I write this. My head is completely overwhelmed again. On top of everything else going on in my life at the moment this is just alot to add. It has now become my main worry.
Could this expalin our difficulty bonding? Should I have spotted this sooner????
I need to ring our health visitor asap.
Loopy x.
90. Mayday mayday, we’re going down.
I stated the day exhausted and hungover but mood wise I was pretty o.k. However this past few hours I’ve been spiralling downwards. I don’t really know why. I’m feeling the need to self harm and I don’t really know why. I feel like I need to cry but I’m unable to.
I’ve been thinking alot about little man today, and something my mother said this morning; “he’s not walking on his toes anymore”. I hadn’t noticed he’d been walking on his toes. Had he really? I’ve been worrying on and off this past few months that he’s been showing signs of autism and now this comment has sent my head into a whirlwind. What if I’ve missed something really important, and not asked him to be checked out sooner. I’ll have to grill family this evening on what he’s saying and doing etc. I’m worried now. He’s been saying words and then not saying them, but then I haven’t seen him in weeks and when I was at home, let’s be honest he’s been in nursery all day. I’m an absent, terrible mother.
I hope I’m wrong about this.
Loopy x.
What really happens in somones head? 