224. Moles, moles everywhere!!

I’m lying in bed now starting to freak out. I need to sleep, I’m up at 6.

Tomorrow for the first time, I’m in charge of running a lab prac. Considering i walked out and had a meltdown last week, doesn’t bold well for tomorrow.

The morning session looks easy enough and so I thought; “o.k loopy, you’ve got this”. A couple of basic chem titrations to determine unknown conentrations of Vit C in juices and tablets. Simple!

Tonight though I’ve prepped for the afternoon session. I really need more time to pull it off with a swagger. The whole afternoon is dedicated to calculations, specifically paracetamol toxicity calculations and other mathematical tools to read blood parameters and figure out why our poor mystery patient is in so much trouble.

A practical on frigging drug overdoses!!! Seriously. Maybe next year I could suggest zopiclone toxicity. I suppose although this cuts a little close to the bone for me, I would never ever use paracetamol as a suicide agent.

The main problem with tomorrow is the sheer harassment I’ll get from students and paid demnstarors on how to perform the tasks set. It will be exhausting!!.

They better be able to calculate Moles per litre, and convert this into all manners of solutions. They better be happy with dilution factors and ratios. They better ace drawing standard curved and extrapolation of data. They better frigging listen when I talk them through things.

My head already hurts from the fatigue of prepping. Tomorrow, if I can limp over the line with these students, I shall count it as a victory. Tomorrow afternoon is definatly too much too soon.

Loopy x

186. New years hell.

I should have guessed new years eve would be hell. I hate coming home and nights like this solidify my reluctance.

It started with a simple invite. My aunt invited me up for drinks and nibbles to see in the new year. She did not invite my sister who was sat with us at the time. My mum was not quick enough to ask my sister to stay up with her and BANG!!!!

She grabbed her kids, stormed home and 2 minutes later I got the call; fuck you loopy!! FUCK YOU for ruining my new years eve!!

She rang her partner to dump him, locked all the doors in her house, screamed at her kids to come away from the windows and threatened to drink herself into a coma.

Her partner arrived a little later and we eventually got in, but I’ve never seen such rage and venum spit as she listed all the ways that we have wronged her, listed all the reasons that she hates us and we left as she began to throw keys and glass at her partner.

The saddest thing was seeing her young daughter in floods of tears trying to make sense of everything and us not being allowed to comfort her.

My sister has a mental illness that she refuses to accept or own.

I want to flee here now, never to come back. I can’t watch my mum and dad in floods of tears as my sister threatens to take her kids away forever. I can’t cope with the instability and the chaos.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

Loopy x

185. A 7 year old reduced to tears.

Today I got a glimpse into my childhood. I bought my little niece lego classic for Christmas.

This afternoon as she was building happily, when my Dad noticed she was going slightly rogue with the instructions. He actually argued with a 7 year old little girl, insisting she was doing it wrong and raising his voice as he became more irritated and quite frankly irrational. It reduced my niece to tears and my mum was also weepy eyed.

My Dads character is difficult to explain. He is never deliberately mean, and is often the more affectionate of my parents, but he lacks sense.

He’s loud and boisterous with little man and becomes worse when little man cries despite me asking him to tone things down.

He would feed children sweets morning, noon and night, and I’ve caught him giving fizzy drinks that I don’t yet allow.

He always has to be right even if that means arguing with a child.

I consoled my niece and ordered my father to apologise. He did and myself and my niece completed the build with every colour of brick except the right ones.

Loopy x.

171. A fall from grace.

I was the deputy programme director for months. I was stepping up to full honours when I decided to give up on life.

Now!, well now; “don’t worry, we won’t give you any school critical stuff” In other words, you can’t be trusted with anything important.

My career is in the toilet. No surprise I guess. I’m crap at everything.

Loopy x

80. Too much noise.

I can’t tolerate it, music is on loud, lots of patients are chatting over each other. One in particualr is being overly loud and obnoxious.  There are too many noises to cope with.  It’s too much traffic.  I could scream!!!!

I can’t tolerate lots of different noises going on.

Loopy x.