OH has been moody all day. He dropped his parents at the airport this morning, and since then he’s shut down.
Here’s what I think. I think his parents took this opportunity to grill him on how useless I am. I think they’ve noticed that I’ve not been pulling my weight lately. I think they’ve asked him to really consider our relationship. I think they’ve presented him with better options.
I think they hate me, and why wouldn’t they?
I can’t stop crying…
Today we emptied our house and shipped all our stuff home before we follow on Thursday.
Right now I can’t stop crying. I’m crying because I’m still depressed. I’m crying because I’m having really strong suicidal urges and I’m crying because it doesn’t matter where we move to… my head will follow us.
I feel absolutely hopeless.
I can’t explain this but I have this awful niggling feeling that I’m going to die soon. It’s a feeling that comes and goes, but tonight it’s quite strong.
I can see the devastation on OH and little man. I can see my family crowding round my coffin at my wake. I can see a doctor confirming that my cancer is terminal. I can see it all.
I’m having little chest pains tonight, which I guess are fueling my thoughts a little
Do other people think like this? I don’t like it.
These were the words that I heard today, when talking to a doc on the ward.
She was spot on. Why do I keep seeking support and approval from people who are incapable off it.
I must look elsewhere, and accept that some people simply lack the capacity to fulfill my emotional needs.
I was promptly shut down again.
It’s been over 2 weeks. 2 weeks off sizing people up. 2 weeks of them all telling me I need to talk more. 2 weeks of nervous silence.
Today I finally picked my confidante. I thought my named nurse would be a sensabke chouce. For a few minutes I poured my heart out. Just a few minutes later I heard; “would you mind going to the other ward loopy?”
Seriously!!!! And worse it poured from the lips of the nurse I’d just confided in.
Bam, slap in the face!!!! Another cruel rejection!
Life is literally crumbling around me. I have no strength or fight left.
I want to give up. I don’t want to be here anymore. My arms are raw and sore, my love for zopiclone is unsustainable, and all other interventions are failing me, and I stink!
I’ve been asked would I go into hospital. I’ve said yes. I wish C could come with me though.
There really isn’t much else to say.
Yesterday I was told; “everybody has worries in their life”
Today I was told “you have a lot more than some people”
Both the statements are true, but both of them stung me like a knife in the chest. Both off them felt like a personal attack. Both of them sounded just like my mum.
I wanted C today. I’m a little scared of seeing her again, after hanging up on her, but I hope we’ll be ok. I need her.
I’ve just taken my bike out. 35 minutes pumping as hard as I possibly could. I’m still a jittery, agitated mess.
The truth hurts!