Oh sweet jesus, I’m literally about to explode! I’ve like 8 weeks still to go!!!
Everything hurts and I mean EVERYTHING!!
I’ve had 2 iron infusions for my anaemia but I’m not feeling any benefit. I’m bloody miserable
Loopy
Tag: hopeless
490. It could have been me.
I blogged some time back about a nurse who tragically killed her 3 children but failed in her own suicide attempt. This week she was found not guilty, by reason of insanity.
I’ve heard people scorn; ‘you just don’t harm your kids!!’
My neighbour came out outraged until she sized up my view. See here’s the thing. It’s a scary and a sad truth but…..that could have been me.
This poor woman hated herself, and was convinced she was an awful mother, damaging her kids beyond hope. She feared that her illness had sentenced them to a life of mystery. I’ve had those very same feelings towards little man.
This mother knew in her own mind that her children would be better off dead. Such is the harsh reality of mental ill health and delusions. I at one point also knew that little man would be better off dead. How scary is that?
I’m lucky though, somewhere in my head, despite the constant barrage of self hatred , despite the constant attacks on my abilities, and the constant fears for little man, I knew from some tiny nugget of logic that my thoughts were irrational. I knew something was wrong and that healthy people don’t feel like this. I knew I needed help.
By all accounts this poor woman had also reached out for help. She expressed some scary thoughts to professionals. She tried in my view, to manage things.
Like me though, she hid it all from her OH. I know why she did that, it’s the reason I do it too. She felt ashamed, ashamed of her condition and her thoughts. She probably felt he wouldn’t understand and that he might even hate her. She probably also wanted to hide that fact that she was a horrible person. Yes in her head this was fact!
I personally have no doubt that she went insane. I feel so so sorry for her, her husband and those 3 beautiful kids. I hope she gets the help she needs to somehow live with this. I hope lessons have been learned by those professionals who had treated her. I hope that those who now hate her, can somehow forgive her.
But most of all I hope I never have those thoughts again, and that if I do, I’ll find the strength to reach out. I hope that the little nugget of logic that saved me before, saved us before, saves us again.
Loopy x
483. Shutters up
I’m still in hospital, I’m still quite low, I’m still a bit of a mess.
They asked me this week, “do you write things down?”. I guess I’ve stopped lately and I’m not sure why. I think I was maybe scared of being boring.
I feel sad, I feel alone, blah blah blah. I think I’m getting sick of even listening to myself. I’m very pathetic.
At this time, I want to run away. I don’t want to see, or talk to, or be around anyone, and I mean ANYONE.
I’m ignoring family calls, cutting conversations with little man short, ending text conversations abruptly and delaying booking visits for OH.
I’m ignoring bump. Trying to pretend it’s not happening,. Trying to block it out.
I want to be alone. I don’t want to have reasons to fight anymore, but I do. Its really hard because I want to die alone……
I’ve put the shutters up, I don’t ever want to take them down.
Loopy x
481. Jelly bean
Well there’s defo one in there. I had my 12 week scan and so far all appears healthy.
Why am I not happy? Why can I not enjoy this? How can I be so cold and detached?
Loopy x
479. Crisis resolution and home treatment team
I met with the crisis team today. I’ll be honest I favoured the possibility of a hospital admission. It was an option, but instead we opted for home treatment.
I now have a 24hr number that I can call, I’ll get a phone call in the morning and an appointment tomorrow.
All I have to do is keep myself safe until that call tomorrow, or ring them if I’m struggling.
Just get through the night loopy…
Loopy x
478. Can’t keep myself safe
I’m really struggling. It’s been a tear filled Saturday and all I can think about, is just ending it all.
I can’t think straight, I can’t cope, i don’t know what to do.
What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?
I need time off work I think. I need a break. I need help.
My head is frantic, the suicidal thoughts won’t shut up. Please shut up!
Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!
Loopy x
476. I don’t want to talk
I bailed half way through a counselling appointment last week. I told her I wanted to end the session. I have psychology coming up, being fast tracked due to the whole pregnancy thing, but I’m dreading it. At the moment I don’t want to talk. The counselling is a self referral stop gap. You get 6 sessions and then you have to re refer. I really friggin liked her, but even with her, I started to clam up.
At the moment I’m doing a lot of crying, a lot of self appraisal and a lot of failing.
I’m so ashamed of how I’m feeling. I thought I’d pop on here and spill with ease but nope, I can’t even write down how I’m feeling.
I’m a horrible horrible person.
I wish the counsellor would contact me, but it’s not her job to do that. She left the door open, but I can’t quite walk through it. I need her to pull me through it.
Loopy x
473. I’m absent anyway.
My boys love me, but they don’t need me. The heartiest of laughs is usually heard when I’m not in the room, but listening from afar. OH does the dressing, feeding, bathing etc 90% of the time anyway. I don’t contribute fairly. I’m useless.
It’s funny how a few fleeting thoughts can become an obsession. What drugs do I have? How much do I need? When should I take them? It plays over and over and over relentlessly.
My head is a frigging wreck.
Loopy x
458. When family come to visit.
My family came to visit us today. Mum, Dad, my sister and her 3 children. It was nice seeing them but………
Here’s an insight into why I’m ^damaged^
I bring out shortbread to go with their cups off tea. Mum looks at the packet, turns to me and says; “aw, sure they’re not Scottish*. 1st disapproval off the day.
Later the kiddos had lunch and chocolate cake. The floor a mess, I take out our broom. Mum takes it, sweeps one stroke; “you think you’d buy a decent brush’ 2nd disapproval of the day.
A little while later I give my sister the grand tour. As she’s coming down the stairs she remarks “oh I love your Garland. Mum quickly pipes up; ^sure there’s not even any lights on it!”
There we have it folks, the trifecta. I could go on with the negative gripes that spewed today, but I can’t be arsed. Sometimes I’m accused of black and white thinking, but honestly folks if she had muttered even just the slightest off positive remarks, I’d shout it from the friggin tree tops! Not my Mum, not now, not ever.
It was still nice seeing them all though. I can manage a day, just about
Loopy x
456. Tastelife session 3.
They’ve touched more than a few nerves this evening. I’ve had to turn my camera off. I’ve had a bad day with food, and talk off addictions etc has left me craving zopiclone. I need to burn I think.
They’re a nice bunch of people, but I cannot speak. I cannot contribute. I cannot cope tonight.
What the fuck is wrong with you Loopy?
What I will say though, is that I don’t have an eating disorder. Probably mildly disordered eating.
What really happens in somones head? 