483. Shutters up

I’m still in hospital, I’m still quite low, I’m still a bit of a mess.

They asked me this week, “do you write things down?”. I guess I’ve stopped lately and I’m not sure why. I think I was maybe scared of being boring.

I feel sad, I feel alone, blah blah blah. I think I’m getting sick of even listening to myself. I’m very pathetic.

At this time, I want to run away. I don’t want to see, or talk to, or be around anyone, and I mean ANYONE.

I’m ignoring family calls, cutting conversations with little man short, ending text conversations abruptly and delaying booking visits for OH.

I’m ignoring bump. Trying to pretend it’s not happening,. Trying to block it out.

I want to be alone. I don’t want to have reasons to fight anymore, but I do. Its really hard because I want to die alone……

I’ve put the shutters up, I don’t ever want to take them down.

Loopy x

481. Jelly bean

Well there’s defo one in there. I had my 12 week scan and so far all appears healthy.

Why am I not happy? Why can I not enjoy this? How can I be so cold and detached?

Loopy x

479. Crisis resolution and home treatment team

I met with the crisis team today. I’ll be honest I favoured the possibility of a hospital admission. It was an option, but instead we opted for home treatment.

I now have a 24hr number that I can call, I’ll get a phone call in the morning and an appointment tomorrow.

All I have to do is keep myself safe until that call tomorrow, or ring them if I’m struggling.

Just get through the night loopy…

Loopy x

478. Can’t keep myself safe

I’m really struggling. It’s been a tear filled Saturday and all I can think about, is just ending it all.

I can’t think straight, I can’t cope, i don’t know what to do.

What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?

I need time off work I think. I need a break. I need help.

My head is frantic, the suicidal thoughts won’t shut up. Please shut up!

Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!

Loopy x

476. I don’t want to talk

I bailed half way through a counselling appointment last week. I told her I wanted to end the session. I have psychology coming up, being fast tracked due to the whole pregnancy thing, but I’m dreading it. At the moment I don’t want to talk. The counselling is a self referral stop gap. You get 6 sessions and then you have to re refer. I really friggin liked her, but even with her, I started to clam up.

At the moment I’m doing a lot of crying, a lot of self appraisal and a lot of failing.

I’m so ashamed of how I’m feeling. I thought I’d pop on here and spill with ease but nope, I can’t even write down how I’m feeling.

I’m a horrible horrible person.

I wish the counsellor would contact me, but it’s not her job to do that. She left the door open, but I can’t quite walk through it. I need her to pull me through it.

Loopy x

473. I’m absent anyway.

My boys love me, but they don’t need me. The heartiest of laughs is usually heard when I’m not in the room, but listening from afar. OH does the dressing, feeding, bathing etc 90% of the time anyway. I don’t contribute fairly. I’m useless.

It’s funny how a few fleeting thoughts can become an obsession. What drugs do I have? How much do I need? When should I take them? It plays over and over and over relentlessly.

My head is a frigging wreck.

Loopy x

458. When family come to visit.

My family came to visit us today. Mum, Dad, my sister and her 3 children. It was nice seeing them but………

Here’s an insight into why I’m ^damaged^

I bring out shortbread to go with their cups off tea. Mum looks at the packet, turns to me and says; “aw, sure they’re not Scottish*. 1st disapproval off the day.

Later the kiddos had lunch and chocolate cake. The floor a mess, I take out our broom. Mum takes it, sweeps one stroke; “you think you’d buy a decent brush’ 2nd disapproval of the day.

A little while later I give my sister the grand tour. As she’s coming down the stairs she remarks “oh I love your Garland. Mum quickly pipes up; ^sure there’s not even any lights on it!”

There we have it folks, the trifecta. I could go on with the negative gripes that spewed today, but I can’t be arsed. Sometimes I’m accused of black and white thinking, but honestly folks if she had muttered even just the slightest off positive remarks, I’d shout it from the friggin tree tops! Not my Mum, not now, not ever.

It was still nice seeing them all though. I can manage a day, just about

Loopy x

456. Tastelife session 3.

They’ve touched more than a few nerves this evening. I’ve had to turn my camera off. I’ve had a bad day with food, and talk off addictions etc has left me craving zopiclone. I need to burn I think.

They’re a nice bunch of people, but I cannot speak. I cannot contribute. I cannot cope tonight.

What the fuck is wrong with you Loopy?

What I will say though, is that I don’t have an eating disorder. Probably mildly disordered eating.

449. Diazepam is safe.

I know myself well enough now, to know that it’s not good when my head goes to these places. Diazepam is safe, frustratingly safe. I know this, because I’ve been searching. Frantically trawling for the LD50’s (a dose that would be lethal for 50% of the people who take it).

I’ve been searching as my get out plan. I’ve been searching because I have tonnes of the stuff in my drawer. I’ve been searching because I feel odd. I feel incapable of ever ditching my zopiclone dependence. The
Temapezam is giving me night terrors and awful headaches. Tomorrow I will be begging to have my zopiclone back.

Work is getting done, but very slowly and I can feel the pressure squeezing in on me. I’m forgetting loads. My head is just not retaining stuff. Names that I should know, escape me. Tasks that I should do, get forgotten. Meetings that i should attend pop up in reminders 3 days after the event. “Oh crap, I’ve missed another one!!

Little man is doing well, but that’s in spite off me, not because of any good parenting on my part. Take him away OH, just take him away.

So yeah, Diazepam is safe. Huge amounts can leave no serious ill effects, if caught. Diazepam is safe

Unless you combine it with alcohol………………..

Loopy x

448. Withdrawel.

It turns out that my latest key worker/care coordinator is pretty good. I like her. She’s the first I’ve really like since moving home.

Anyway, she arranged a psych/meds review. I was asked the usual question. What would help you, what do you want to get out of this?

The drugs!!! I blurted out. I need to sort the drugs. So I’ve been switched from zopiclone to temazepam at night.

It’s only been 4 nights, but please please PLEASE, I need my zopiclone back. The temazepam gives me jitters, headaches and is no good for sleep.

The 10mg in comparison with the 18.75 of zopiclone, is just not cutting the mustard. I’m all tense, and anxious and jittery during the day. I’m regretting asking for the change

Plus swapping a z drug for a benzo isn’t exactly progress really, is it

In other news, I’ve found a lump. Off to the breast clinic this week. The Joy’s 😦

Loopy x