302. No space.

I’m exhausted, physically exhausted. It’s inexplicable really, or maybe it’s just a come down now that we are officially home.

In truth it doesn’t feel much like home to me. It feels claustrophobic, feels like I’m being scrutinised and just overall feels a little uncomfortable. OH’s family are lovely but I need my own space. I’ve not yet secured employment so for now we’re stuck.

I’m getting frustrated at my lack off alone time. I need to burn but I can’t get any space to do it. There’s always someone around, and it’s causing me to feel more tense.

I’m also sporting a marvellous blubbery rubbery mess around my midsection that Michelin or Bridgestone would be proud off. I wonder if I dug out some grooves for grip, would it be more efficient now to tip me on my side and just roll me to my destinations!

Loopy x

301. Is there a baby in there?

Thanks for that little question sis. I couldn’t believe it as those words poured from her lips. She’s knows I’m on a list of meds as long as my arm and hence would not be getting pregnant. She knows that I’m self conscious about my weight. Surely she knows better…

Well at least those words have confirmed what I already know; I’m a fat ugly mess!!!

I want to burn deep tonight. I want to swallow sleeping pills, not to die, but to dull my racing thoughts and self hatred.

I want to hit the gym!

Loopy x

263. A horrible person.

I am so ashamed of how I’m feeling. Everyone is asking me to talk more, but I fear they’ll realise just how horrible I am.

I want to give up. I want to leave little man in ireland, abandon OH, and take no more breaths on this earth.

I’m a quitter, a waste of space and I’ve been experimenting with ligatures.

I’m no good for either of them anyway. Im no good for anyone.

Just do it loopy, end your pain.

Loopy

262. Ligatures and lost dreams.

I had done it. I had landed a premium position at a Russell group university. It was my dream job. I had worked so hard to get to that point and now……..

Now I’m probably throwing it all away. Now I can see no better options but to relinquish this positiin and head, tail between my legs for home.

I simply couldn’t cope. This morning I tied a sheet around my neck and flopped head thumping to the floor. It wasn’t tight enough, and staff found me.

I want to do it again, tighter this time… I want someone to take my angst away. I want to feel like less of a failure. I want to die.

I really don’t know how to continue living.

Loopy x

259. I don’t like the truth.

Yesterday I was told; “everybody has worries in their life”

Today I was told “you have a lot more than some people”

Both the statements are true, but both of them stung me like a knife in the chest. Both off them felt like a personal attack. Both of them sounded just like my mum.
I wanted C today. I’m a little scared of seeing her again, after hanging up on her, but I hope we’ll be ok. I need her.

I’ve just taken my bike out. 35 minutes pumping as hard as I possibly could. I’m still a jittery, agitated mess.

The truth hurts!

Loopy x

236. I don’t know what to do.

Nor do I know what to type here. Blogging is usually cathartic, but when I can’t find the words, it frustrates me.

Today, I’ve shipped little man off to nursery, and I’ve returned to bed. Today I’ve binged and burned. Today I’m feeling weak and hopeless.

Today I want to die. I don’t have any strength left, and I’m missing L. She just somehow always managed to soothe me.

I need her back. I can’t bring myself to call my newest CPN for help.

And anyway, I’m beyond help.

Loopy x

233. Nausea.

I feel like I’m pregnant again. To be clear, I am not!

My head aches, I’ve thrown up (not deliberately) and I’m on edge. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.

On a side note, I’m worried about my future drug supply. Today I had my first online prescription rejection. I can apparently try again in 3 months. I’ve exhausted all the half reputable dealers and by that I mean the ones that appear less dodgy.

Today I came across bulk ordering from clearly questionable sites. I can buy hundreds of pills, but god knows what’s in them.

The trouble is, my desperation is rendering me tempted.

I need help.

Loopy x