263. A horrible person.

I am so ashamed of how I’m feeling. Everyone is asking me to talk more, but I fear they’ll realise just how horrible I am.

I want to give up. I want to leave little man in ireland, abandon OH, and take no more breaths on this earth.

I’m a quitter, a waste of space and I’ve been experimenting with ligatures.

I’m no good for either of them anyway. Im no good for anyone.

Just do it loopy, end your pain.

Loopy

262. Ligatures and lost dreams.

I had done it. I had landed a premium position at a Russell group university. It was my dream job. I had worked so hard to get to that point and now……..

Now I’m probably throwing it all away. Now I can see no better options but to relinquish this positiin and head, tail between my legs for home.

I simply couldn’t cope. This morning I tied a sheet around my neck and flopped head thumping to the floor. It wasn’t tight enough, and staff found me.

I want to do it again, tighter this time… I want someone to take my angst away. I want to feel like less of a failure. I want to die.

I really don’t know how to continue living.

Loopy x

259. I don’t like the truth.

Yesterday I was told; “everybody has worries in their life”

Today I was told “you have a lot more than some people”

Both the statements are true, but both of them stung me like a knife in the chest. Both off them felt like a personal attack. Both of them sounded just like my mum.
I wanted C today. I’m a little scared of seeing her again, after hanging up on her, but I hope we’ll be ok. I need her.

I’ve just taken my bike out. 35 minutes pumping as hard as I possibly could. I’m still a jittery, agitated mess.

The truth hurts!

Loopy x

236. I don’t know what to do.

Nor do I know what to type here. Blogging is usually cathartic, but when I can’t find the words, it frustrates me.

Today, I’ve shipped little man off to nursery, and I’ve returned to bed. Today I’ve binged and burned. Today I’m feeling weak and hopeless.

Today I want to die. I don’t have any strength left, and I’m missing L. She just somehow always managed to soothe me.

I need her back. I can’t bring myself to call my newest CPN for help.

And anyway, I’m beyond help.

Loopy x

233. Nausea.

I feel like I’m pregnant again. To be clear, I am not!

My head aches, I’ve thrown up (not deliberately) and I’m on edge. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.

On a side note, I’m worried about my future drug supply. Today I had my first online prescription rejection. I can apparently try again in 3 months. I’ve exhausted all the half reputable dealers and by that I mean the ones that appear less dodgy.

Today I came across bulk ordering from clearly questionable sites. I can buy hundreds of pills, but god knows what’s in them.

The trouble is, my desperation is rendering me tempted.

I need help.

Loopy x

230. An addiction.

The only thing good about today, was the weather. I trecked into town for my Occi Health appointment at 11.30. I arrived only to be told it was at 10.30!! I never ever ever miss appointments. If I had political power I would charge people for missing NHS appointments without good reason. I’m so angry at myself. The Dr has very kndly agreed to see me at 9.00 tomorrow before work.

I had a CPN visit this afternoon. It was our first 1 to 1 appointment. I like her, and I’m relieved that I do.

Today for the first time, I confessed to my addiction. I’ve mentioned problems with zopiclone to L and B (other nurses) , but I’ve never said out loud that I’m addicted. Today I was honest albeit details are foggy. I’m crippled with anxiety in the evenings and I suspected it may be due to my taste for sleeping pills. I never take less than 15 mg now, sometimes taking 22.5. This can’t go on. My liver can’t withstand this abuse on top off the prescribed cocktail I’m taking daily. I need help, and today I kind off asked for it. She asked me if I’m ready to give them up, In truth I’m not, but my brain is telling me I need to.

Why do I continue to self destruct?

Loopy x.

222. Kick me when I’m down

“You should think about going down to 50% until September” Those where the words that spilled from my boss’s mouth this morning, during a meeting that I had to request, in order to discuss how I’m doing on my phased return.

They stung! You’re no good to me now Loopy, you can’t handle anything and it’s costing us too much, is what I heard. All I needed was a supportive, “you can do this” but instead the last remaining shred of optimism for my future was ripped away.

I’m a burden, I’m incompetent and I’m very nearly done.

Tonight’s little sleeping pills are the same brand as those I used in August. It’s the first time a pharmacy has dispensed the same kind, in all these months. It’s a coincidence that they arrived today, on a day when I want to consume them all. I don’t have enough though, so I’ll just have to settle for a slightly comatosed sleep.

I have no capacity for stress, no tolerance for the all to familiar stares from other commuters, no cut off valves, when my face decides to spontaneously leak and no hope that this will ever change.

I wish I could see my old CPN. She’d know how to make me feel a little better. God I wish she’d come back…..

Loopy x