434. Memory problems…..

and muscle aches!

I’ve been having a lot of muscle aches and pains lately, and memory lapses. It’s starting to worry me. I’d kind off switched from zopiclone to diazepam at night. Above the recommended dose off course. No one seems to care, that I’m a drug addict, off sorts. They just keep prescribing benzos and Z’s without question. I’m digressing.

Anyway I reckon the diazepam was/is causing the muscle pains. I’ve gone off it anyway after one horrendous, almost out of body, night terror experience. I woke myself up screaming! Had the worst realistic nightmare I’ve ever had. Was physically shaking, heart racing upon awakening. It scared me. Zopiclone has never done that.

As for my memory, I put things down and instantly forget. I walk into rooms and don’t know why? Today topped it all. I was chatting to my neighbour and her doggy over the fence. I talk to Flynn (doggie) daily. Today though, I could not for the life off me, recall his name.

Like I said, I’m worried.

Loopy x

431. Loopy’s Lodge

It’s taking shape. I’ve never in my life built anything from wood, so despite the somewhat wonky roof, I’m rather proud of this. I’ve been at it all day today. It’s kept me focused on something, and is proving to be a great distraction.

I need all the distractions I can get. I had my psychology assessment this week. They rang me back quickly after, saying that I needed 1 to 1 therapy. Here’s the kicker though… the waiting list is apparently 9 months from now.

I’ve been home a year. All my notes and treatment reccomdations came with me. Yet I wasn’t actually referred until about 4 weeks ago. I’m seriously considering launching an official complaint. No wonder suicide is so devastatingly common here……………………

Just keep building loopy!

Loopy x

426. Social anxiety.

So the shops are now open and people are going friggin crazy, piling up clothes and underwear and homeware and all manner of crap. It’s insane.

I wandered out today for the first time in ages. Apart from my weekly jaunt to the pharmacy to collect my cocktail of meds, I’ve stayed pretty much hidden away from the world. Today has reaffirmed that I wish to stay hidden away forever.

As I walked up the street, entered shops and stood in queues, I could feel a 1000 eyes on me. Real or imagined, it doesn’t matter, the feeling is the same. I felt strange, uneasy and anxious. I wanted to run home, literally run, but I resisted.

Once in the door I reached for my diazepam and a huge tub off ice cream.

I’m eating Orlistat like smarties these days, and especially on days like this………….even though I cycled 21km this morning.

I need therapy, I need help, and I’ve no idea how to get it? I want to talk to someone. I’m bottling up all my insecurities, worries and stress again. My new key worker/CPN is possibly very nice, but I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I don’t know her, or trust her yet. The very first time we spoke, she said she’d check in again in a month, so roughly 2 more weeks to go. How is that helpful?

Come on loopy, your not a child. It’s not up to others to check on you, probe you, or read between the lines. Take control for gods sake!!!!!!!! you useless whimp!!

I feel an explosion coming

Loopy x

411. Officially discharged

I’ve been out on leave for the past 4 days, but today I was officially discharged.  It’s weird, but this always comes with a little sadness on my part.  I think you get so used to being wrapped in a 24/7 blanket of care, that leaving it makes you feel vulnerable and a little alone. 
The staff were generally great.  They wouldn’t usually tolerate patients who behaved as I did.  Any self harm over here gets you shipped immediately to a PICU, but covid stopped that, and they managed me as best they could.  They even took my wardrobe, the actual furniture away. 

I now have a clearer picture on what my priorities must be. 

1. Get help for my PND.
2. Get help for my eating issues and drug use, although since leave I have reduced my zopiclone down to 7.5mg only. 
3. Seek support or at least clarification regarding my BPD traits.
4 Learn to like myself again and accept my emotions in a more positive way.

You can only tackle these one at a time Loopy, but you can do it!!

Loopy x

390. I need to run!!!

I need to run, I need to run, I NEED TO RUN!!!
I’m a ball of nervous tension.  I’m going stir crazy.  I need to run!!!

Our little yard is the size of a frigging matchbox.. I can’t sprint there.  We have a ball, but the walls are more glass than brick.  I’m desperate to kick it HARD!!! What is it we me and football’s in hospital??

I sneaked in a little burn earlier, but it didn’t work.  The waters not hot enough, and they’ve sequestered my straighteners so no joy there.

How on earth do I vent all this???

Loopy x

388. I’m safe.

I’ve caused so much stress and fear and worry. I had no idea, I still had followers from my previous location.

At about 5am thus morning, OH rolled me over and whispered softly; “loopy there’s a police man here to talk to you”  My instant thought was oh crap, I’m being arrested for possession!!

But no, he was here to check on my wellbeing.. He was here because someone identified a risk, and they acted on it.  He was here because someone cares. 

You know who you are.  (I wish I did too, so that I could call or email you, thank you, and reassure you that I’m ok.). I wish you were still involved with my care.

I’m not really ok, but this whole episode has prompted OH into action, it has prompted me to be more aware of the impacts of my actions.  I spoke last night to teary parents, and a cousin that the police had traced in efforts to find me.  I awoke to a phone inundated with missed calls and messages.

I’m going to demand more help.  I’m going to check out private care.  I’m going to somehow get through the next few days.

Whoever you are, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.

Loopy x

382. Voicemail.

It’s gone and I’m devastated.  I rang voicemail this evening in the hope of hearing C.  Those of you following will know that C, was my 2nd CPN.  I had 2, when I lived away from home; L and C. 
They were quite different in approach, but equally excellent.  Some days days I miss L and some days I miss C 

Today, I would give anything to hear; “hey loopy, it’s C.”  She started every voicemail in the same manner, and tone.  It was a clearly practiced and unwavering greeting, and when I heard it on my voicemail, I knew the cavalry had arrived.  I knew someone had my back. 
She was logical and caring, and honest.  If C said she was going to do something, then she would do it.

I can’t believe her voicemail has been deleted.  I should have saved it.  I’m gutted. 

It possibly sounds a little creepy, but I’m sure we can all recognise our brains ability to associate emotions with memories, experiences and sounds.  C’s voice brings control, calm, support, empathy snd humour. God I wish I’d saved the voicemail!!!!

I’m absolutely falling apart.  My whole journey home today was filled with thoughts of jumping in front of a car, hanging myself over the back of my office door, swallowing mounds of zopiclone….. Anything, Anything to make it stop!! I just need a moment, I need it all to just stops!!!..

I’m sick of the broken promises over here.  “We’ll get you help for your eating disorder”.. “We’ve referred you to addiction services” ,”I’ll ring you back”” 

It’s all bullshit!! I’ve been “home” since last July.  The disparity in care is shocking. We have probably the highest suicide rates in the UK, and I’m not surprised.   There is no help here.  There is no route to recovery, and I can’t wait any longer. 

I need to talk to C……I need help.  Someone, anyone, please help me 

Loopy x

366. My teeth hurt

They’ve definitely yellowed, and look bad. I’m afraid to smile now. I’m so ashamed. Then add to this my new found general achiness and sensitivity.

Come on Loopy, start wising up!!you are ruining your teeth

Irregardless the urges to purge keep coming. They now sneak up on me at work, an escalation of the severity of things. It’s hard to hide the stench of puke at work.

Eating now makes my tummy bloated and sore. There’s one quick cure for that, and it works. It does reduce the discomfort and the expulsion of the calories soothes my head a little…..that is until the food cravings come again with gusto.

OH is oblivious to this particular struggle. I’m too ashamed to tell him

Loopy x

350. Phenergen

You can have phenergen. I don’t want phenergen, I NEED zopiclone.

Regulations around the dispensing of z drugs and hypotics, have clearly tigtened up. i may have had a hand in this, previously having written to the GPhC and ministers.

Sites that allowed frequent orders and large quantitoes with few questiins asked, are now siddenly out of stock, under review, or worse; offering me phenergen imstead.

My logical brain is sayong this is a good thing, but my desperate addicted braon is panicking. I’m screwed!!!

My GP provides me with 3.75 mg daily, which I top up to around 12 or 15mg. I cannot sleep without it. I cannot cope without it. I cannot live without it.

Last night suicide beckoned. It sold me it’s delights. What should I do?

I’m desperate to talk to L or C, but I can’t.

Stop it loopy, you love your little boy. He needs you.

Loopy x

342. A downward trajectory.

Last night I finally caved and did a little burn. It felt good.

Today I’ve binged and scoffed calorie filled delights until this evening, my grotesque bloated stature had to purge.

Tonight I’m tired and craving zopiclone. I’ve had 2, but I’ll need to order more.

Alarm bells are ringing.

Loopy x