448. Withdrawel.

It turns out that my latest key worker/care coordinator is pretty good. I like her. She’s the first I’ve really like since moving home.

Anyway, she arranged a psych/meds review. I was asked the usual question. What would help you, what do you want to get out of this?

The drugs!!! I blurted out. I need to sort the drugs. So I’ve been switched from zopiclone to temazepam at night.

It’s only been 4 nights, but please please PLEASE, I need my zopiclone back. The temazepam gives me jitters, headaches and is no good for sleep.

The 10mg in comparison with the 18.75 of zopiclone, is just not cutting the mustard. I’m all tense, and anxious and jittery during the day. I’m regretting asking for the change

Plus swapping a z drug for a benzo isn’t exactly progress really, is it

In other news, I’ve found a lump. Off to the breast clinic this week. The Joy’s 😦

Loopy x

422. Damn it Loopy!!

Last night, for the first time in about 2 years, I slept without any zopiclone.  It was a huge achievement, one that I wanted to continue tonight…. but no, I’m a dumbass and I’ve taken 7.5mg.  In truth I want 15!

It was OH’s birthday today and his folks held a little party, cocktail sausages and all 

It’s been the most social interaction we’ve had, and I felt very uncomfortable.  This evening I feel tense and stressed and annoyed at myself for feeling uncomfortable.  We also ate alot of junk and I’m feeling fat, fat FAT!!!

I don’t want lockdown to end, but it will, and I’ll have to face people again, and busy places, and gauping eyes and aaaaggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!

I want to hide away forever…. 😦

Loopy x

411. Officially discharged

I’ve been out on leave for the past 4 days, but today I was officially discharged.  It’s weird, but this always comes with a little sadness on my part.  I think you get so used to being wrapped in a 24/7 blanket of care, that leaving it makes you feel vulnerable and a little alone. 
The staff were generally great.  They wouldn’t usually tolerate patients who behaved as I did.  Any self harm over here gets you shipped immediately to a PICU, but covid stopped that, and they managed me as best they could.  They even took my wardrobe, the actual furniture away. 

I now have a clearer picture on what my priorities must be. 

1. Get help for my PND.
2. Get help for my eating issues and drug use, although since leave I have reduced my zopiclone down to 7.5mg only. 
3. Seek support or at least clarification regarding my BPD traits.
4 Learn to like myself again and accept my emotions in a more positive way.

You can only tackle these one at a time Loopy, but you can do it!!

Loopy x

375. The wrong meds.

At my last psych review I half heartedly agreed to change meds.  I’d slowly reduce the venlafaxine and start sertraline (keeping the quietiapine and mirtazapine).

I’d had some success with sertraline during my uni days, but then with a little time to reflect; I remembered the weight gain!!! I frantically called my CPN.  “N we can’t change the meds, I won’t take them!”

Our pharmacy, who to be honest, have been struggling to keep track of my meds off late, have now dispensed the wrong ones.  So tonight I have no quietiapine or mirtazapine.  I’m freaking out, stupidly, freaking out!!!! How will I sleep???? What will I do???

As readers you may guess the answer to that one.  I’m a wreck, and no one’s really noticed.

Loopy x

373. Ringing in my ears.

The thing is, I don’t know if it’s real, or imagined. Is there actually a little high pitched tone emanating from something in the room, or is it all in my head?

It’s troubling my right ear.  It’s unsettling. I’ve had this sensation before, but tonight it feels a little louder than usual.

Loopy x

350. Phenergen

You can have phenergen. I don’t want phenergen, I NEED zopiclone.

Regulations around the dispensing of z drugs and hypotics, have clearly tigtened up. i may have had a hand in this, previously having written to the GPhC and ministers.

Sites that allowed frequent orders and large quantitoes with few questiins asked, are now siddenly out of stock, under review, or worse; offering me phenergen imstead.

My logical brain is sayong this is a good thing, but my desperate addicted braon is panicking. I’m screwed!!!

My GP provides me with 3.75 mg daily, which I top up to around 12 or 15mg. I cannot sleep without it. I cannot cope without it. I cannot live without it.

Last night suicide beckoned. It sold me it’s delights. What should I do?

I’m desperate to talk to L or C, but I can’t.

Stop it loopy, you love your little boy. He needs you.

Loopy x

349. Under my desk.

I was unbelieveably tired this morning. I got up at my usual, 5.45am, got ready, and caught my. bus.

I snoozed on the commute as I usually do. It’s not proper sleep, it’s more like drifting in and out of consciousness aftet a few too many boozy beverages.

At my destination, I was still drained, but somehow managed to carry my heavily weighted limbs for the 25 min walk to my office. Once I arrived though, I was done. Physically and emotionally exhausted. I could barely stand, barely hold my head straight, so I did something quite odd.

I locked my door, climbed under my desk, lay on the floor and snoozed. Around 45 minutes later I awoke to the sound of colleagues chatting down the corridor. I was now just slightly more awake, and able to face the day.

I’ve never done that before, but in sheer desperation I just had to lie down.

I’m struggling folks, but no one’s noticing.

Loopy x

336. A weighted blanket.

Some weeks back, I purchased a weighted blanket. I’ve adopted the, throw everything at it attitude, in the quest for better healthier sleep.

I’m still too reliant on zopiclone. It’s my crutch. I feel like I need it and I’m afraid to attempt sleep without it. I’m just about managing to keep the doses low, but that’s only because my new blanket has been somewhat of a game changer.

It weighs 6.5 kg, but I think i’d actually prefer a little heavier. What you might be wondering is does it work?

I’ve been using it now for a couple of weeks, and although it doesn’t speed up the time to fall asleep, it does make me feel a little calmer. But best off all, when I fall asleep, it keeps me there. No more waking every hour. No more tossing and turning like someone possessed. When morning comes, I actually feel rested.

It’s possibly the best purchase I’ve ever made. If you struggle with sleep and nightime anxiety, I’d suggest giving one a go. It might just help.

Don’t skimp though, opt for the higher priced, better quality, beads that don’t budge options.

Loopy x

318. Wide awake

It’s a horrible feeling, when you crawl into bed after a looooong day, and BAM! your head hits the pillow and you’re wide awake.

My mind starts over analysing the events of the day, it worries incessantly about possible future outcomes, and tick tock, tick tock, I begin counting the minutes until I must get up again….

It’s the reason I’m craving zopiclone as I type this. I’m trying to cut back… just 3.5mg tonight…

I wish I had some help. I wish I had support. I wish I had L or C again but no, I’m alone with this. My new CMHT have pretty much abandoned me.

It’s going to be a late one 😦

Loopy x

260. The H word.

Life is literally crumbling around me. I have no strength or fight left.

I want to give up. I don’t want to be here anymore. My arms are raw and sore, my love for zopiclone is unsustainable, and all other interventions are failing me, and I stink!

I’ve been asked would I go into hospital. I’ve said yes. I wish C could come with me though.

There really isn’t much else to say.

Loopy x