260. The H word.

Life is literally crumbling around me. I have no strength or fight left.

I want to give up. I don’t want to be here anymore. My arms are raw and sore, my love for zopiclone is unsustainable, and all other interventions are failing me, and I stink!

I’ve been asked would I go into hospital. I’ve said yes. I wish C could come with me though.

There really isn’t much else to say.

Loopy x

258. Propranolol.

I was shocked to be honest, when I picked up my new meds. I saw a psychiatrist today, and whilst increasing my venlafaxine, she added propranolol. Why was I shocked? I now have boxes of the stuff, over a grams worth. A potentially lethal dose.

I asked her how to stop the zopiclone. Her response; go cold turkey!! She won’t prescribe me more than 5 days worth at 7 mg. Which is really two days worth given my recent consumption. The goal posts have moved. My regular psych was more understanding on this front. My CPN has even said, maybe now is not the time. Do they not share notes?

My current cocktail is;

Venlafaxine 150mg am, 75mg pm. Quietiapine 100mg am, 200 mg pm. Mirtazapine 45mg pm. Propranolol 20 mg am and 20 pm.

I also have a little stash of zopicline, all prescribed, but not yet touched.

It’s too many pills. I wish someone would mind them for me. I’m too impulsive right now.

OH and little man are home. OH is working tomorrow. I have a day of house viewings (potential buyers) and a toddler caught in the grips of the terrible two’s.

Loopy x

247. Zopiclone!

I’m a little surprised really. They’ve prescribed me 42 zopiclone x 3.75mg and they know I already have some in my possession. Once again I am finding myself with to many pills. Tonight will be my first night on a reduced dose; 10.5mg and a promethazine to fill the void. Not exactly a break for my liver.

My blood pressure, is normal, well the nurse said normal. Actually it’s just a little high at 126/80, and definitely higher than “my normal”.

I’m still a wreck. Physically really unwell (nausea, pounding headaches and full of tremors) and emotionally totally drained. A phone call with my GP today has at least resulted in blood tests. She’s asking for the full works, but it will be a whole week before I can see a phlebotomist.

I need the tests now!

Loopy x

233. Nausea.

I feel like I’m pregnant again. To be clear, I am not!

My head aches, I’ve thrown up (not deliberately) and I’m on edge. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.

On a side note, I’m worried about my future drug supply. Today I had my first online prescription rejection. I can apparently try again in 3 months. I’ve exhausted all the half reputable dealers and by that I mean the ones that appear less dodgy.

Today I came across bulk ordering from clearly questionable sites. I can buy hundreds of pills, but god knows what’s in them.

The trouble is, my desperation is rendering me tempted.

I need help.

Loopy x

230. An addiction.

The only thing good about today, was the weather. I trecked into town for my Occi Health appointment at 11.30. I arrived only to be told it was at 10.30!! I never ever ever miss appointments. If I had political power I would charge people for missing NHS appointments without good reason. I’m so angry at myself. The Dr has very kndly agreed to see me at 9.00 tomorrow before work.

I had a CPN visit this afternoon. It was our first 1 to 1 appointment. I like her, and I’m relieved that I do.

Today for the first time, I confessed to my addiction. I’ve mentioned problems with zopiclone to L and B (other nurses) , but I’ve never said out loud that I’m addicted. Today I was honest albeit details are foggy. I’m crippled with anxiety in the evenings and I suspected it may be due to my taste for sleeping pills. I never take less than 15 mg now, sometimes taking 22.5. This can’t go on. My liver can’t withstand this abuse on top off the prescribed cocktail I’m taking daily. I need help, and today I kind off asked for it. She asked me if I’m ready to give them up, In truth I’m not, but my brain is telling me I need to.

Why do I continue to self destruct?

Loopy x.

138. In the red.

My gas tank is pretty much empty today. I’m running on fumes. Last night I lay in bed staring at the ceiling for 4 hours, before deciding to just get up.  OH was in a thundering snore beside me and it was driving me insane. Every breath he took mocked my inability to sleep.

At 2am I dragged myself and a duvet to our living room sofa.  I made a cup of tea (de-caf) and proceeded to undo all the great work I had done at the gym earlier by scoffing a mars bar, crisps and some sweets.  After 2 episodes of “it’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” I began to feel drowsy.  OH woke me at 5 am with his morning routine and so i dragged myself back to our bed.

By 7.30 I was up again carrying a little toddler into our room.  He lay beside me watching cartoons until 9, but I didn’t sleep.  I was supposed to bring Little man into nursery today but I couldn’t face it.

I need to have a shower and go and pick up meds (I’m sooooo sick of them only giving me 7 days at a time) but I can’t be arsed.

I’m so tired…………….

Loopy x.

 

 

134. A horrible commute.

It’s no wonder really; that I burned out.  Working full time, commuting everyday with Little man on trains at rush hour and having absolutely no support outside myself and OH.  I did the commute again this morning to ease Little man back into nursery.  I’m already exhausted and I’m not yet back at work. I walk approx 4 miles everyday, just to go from my door to my office and home again.  It doesn’t sound like much but one of those miles is up hill, pushing a heavy toddler, often in darkness with pouring rain and gusting winds. Those are the days, that I long to be able to drive.   One thing is for sure, I 100% cannot go back full time.  I’ll burn out again by Christmas.

I didn’t sleep last night at all.  Honestly, I was awake until at least 4am and then it was broken.  Something needs to be done about my inability to sleep.  I can’t continue feeling like this.

Loopy x