254. Running Away

I wan’t to run. I wan’t to turn my back on England and all the mysery it has brought me and run!!!! Our landlord is forcing us to move out and yesterday I reciveved a message completely out of the blue, from an old friend who has informed me that his institution back in Ireland are recruiting lecturers. Last week I spoke with my CPN about giving up on everything here and running, and now I’m seeing “signs” that maybe its time to do just that.

Is it crazy to make such decisions now, when I’m so medicated, irrational, depressed and scared. Ireland has a different pace of life, I have family there, support there. I am more comfortable with its schooling system and ways. Would moving home help fix me??? This job is still a 4 hour drive from “home” but at least its the same flipping island. They could visit us, and we could visit them much more easily. Little man could get to know his cousins.

What would OH do? Should we live apart for a while? Would it just bring me the same mysery but in a different city. Should I just face the fact that life is not for me and end it?

I’ve spent today updating my CV.

I really don’t know what to do!!!! I’m sure I won’t secure the job anyway, but its forcing me to think and its stressing me out…………………………

Loopy x.

245. Setting goals.

“I don’t know”

Its probably a bad sign when your CPN utters these words But she did, several times today. They don’t know what to do with me. She’s going to arrange a psych review because in her words “3 heads are better than one”

I’m lost, I’m tired, and I’m scared. I need reassurance, not doubts. Everyone keeps asking me what is happy loopy like? What does happy loopy do? I don’t know!!!

What do you hope to get out of treatment? What are your goals??? Again I don’t know!!! The only thing I know, is that I’m desperanely sad, desperately lonely and I’m using self destructive behaviours in an attempt to cope.

Where on earth do I go from here? Should I quit my job? Should I move back home? Should I part ways with OH or should I just quit life. Accept that it’s not meant for me, and bid farewell to this torture for good.

Right now, I should stop being a selfish cow, and I should offer comfort to OH. His Dad is currently on an operat8ng table in a different country, undergoing major bypass surgery, and it’s lasting longer than expected.

Get a grip loopy!!

Loopy x