I’m still on a psych ward. I’m still feeling suicidal and I’m still struggling with facing up to all my little demons.
Covid 19 has been tough on me, with no visits allowed. I’ve not held or played with little man in weeks. I feel so guilty for dumping him again. I feel so scared about mapping out a future that will not damage him. Some days I doubt my love foe him. Some days I want to give him back, but everyday from in here i face time with hum.
And I do it because I want him to know I love him, and that I’m trying to be better for him.
There is a long and difficult path ahead for us as a little family. It’s one tonight, that I want to run from. I want to ligature, but no loopy, not tonight. Fight for your little man. Fight for what could be fun fullfilling future for you all.
Come on Loopy, no more “setbacks” please.
I figured out a way and it felt good. My arm is a mess but it feels good. Where the hell is the logic in that? I want to scald again.
Lorazepam on tap and more quietiapine. I believe the term “medical managment” was used Today.
So drug me till I’m stable and then what? Hoist me back to my reality. I’m not fixable. I’m incapable of change and I’m a waste of resources. Oh and did I mention how much fun level one obs are!!
Fuck sake just do it loopy, you coward.
OH and little man are doing great without me. I think that’s the way it should be. They’d be happier without me. I’m a horrible influence on their lives. I’m a horrible person.
I can’t be good for them. I can’t be what I need to be. I’m sorry.
I could only see him over whatsapp. Bloody corona virus!!!
I’ve felt sad all day, but I’m not sure what it truly stems from.
Is it that I’m missing little man today, or is it that saying goodbye on WhatsApp brought me some refeif.
He kissed the phone and smiled at me, but he was also rather distracted by the telly. I was not top off his interests.
Why would I be? I suck!
This is new for me. I’ve never had such a high level of obs before.
It’s frustrating as I want to puke, I want to burn and I want to try again.. I’m getting better now, the ligatures are anchored and tight. If I could just get a little peace I can do it.
I should never have come in, I should have followed original plan.
I’m really sorry OH and little man. I do love you, but I can’t live life anymore. It’s too hard and I guess I’m too selfish.
I met with the crisis team yesterday, and it all escalated very quickly. I’ve been hospitalised, and I’m feeling rather pathetic. I’m worried about losing my job,losing control, losing my family, losing it all.
There’s not much to say really. this is my 3rd stint. The ward is small, mixed and I guess comfortable enough.
The staff seem very nice, but it will take me time to settle. I don’t want to be here long.
I can’t believe I’m back here again.
I have a work thing after work on Monday. I’m staying in a hotel after.
I think it’s time now, time to put an end to all this. I think, I’m just broken and I can’t be fixed.
I’m pale and ugly and useless. I’m out off control. I’m a drug addict. I’m stressed, I’m lonely, I’m horrible to live with, I’m done.
I know OH and little man love me. I know I have friends and family who care. I know this is selfish, and devastating and cruel……….but I can’t go on like this. I need it all to stop. I need to take control…. I love them too, and god I hope they’ll be ok.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,
A few days ago, I blamed this on drug withdrawal, but I was wrong. I’ve since recieved my correct meds, but the nausea has persisted.
My little jaunt to the gym today hasn’t helped I’ve not worked out in days, it was worrying me. So today, I pushed through the feelings of sickness, lightheadedness, and utter fatigue
JUST 10 MORE Kcal LOOPY, COME ON FATTTY; 10 MORE!!!! So 10 became 100, and then 150, and then 300. I was in no fit state for this, but in the war between my body, and my mind….my mind won out.
Now home, I’m wondering is it just a mundane bug that will run it’s course soon, or is it much more serious. I’m catastrophising, but I’m on a heck off a lot of pills; some prescribed, and some not Are my liver, pancreas or my kidneys crying out for help.
The scales, by the way have finally dipped below 57kg. 56.9 to be precise, but is this actually a win, or is my body slowly giving up.
I emailed C yesterday. C was my care coordinator just before, during and after my last hospital admission. I miss her terribly. Since moving home, my new team have been pretty dire. Very nice, but I’ve been promised a psychology referral since early July and they still haven’t done it. I have the same conversation over and over again, but I’m getting no support or care.
This would never happen with C. When she told me she would do something, she would do it. She made me feel properly “listened” to. She made me feel less alone.
I probably stepped over a boundary emailing her. I’ve been desperate to call her, but I’m no longer her responsibility and I guess, i thought a little email would be less intrusive. I’ll never know, if she actually saw it, or read it.
I’ve had no reply, and I’m gutted. This is most likely my BPD at work. I become reliant on people and when they’re gone, I miss them way more than I probably should.
I really really really miss her and I’m feeling lost without her
I guess I just need to learn to deal with it.
I wan’t to run. I wan’t to turn my back on England and all the mysery it has brought me and run!!!! Our landlord is forcing us to move out and yesterday I reciveved a message completely out of the blue, from an old friend who has informed me that his institution back in Ireland are recruiting lecturers. Last week I spoke with my CPN about giving up on everything here and running, and now I’m seeing “signs” that maybe its time to do just that.
Is it crazy to make such decisions now, when I’m so medicated, irrational, depressed and scared. Ireland has a different pace of life, I have family there, support there. I am more comfortable with its schooling system and ways. Would moving home help fix me??? This job is still a 4 hour drive from “home” but at least its the same flipping island. They could visit us, and we could visit them much more easily. Little man could get to know his cousins.
What would OH do? Should we live apart for a while? Would it just bring me the same mysery but in a different city. Should I just face the fact that life is not for me and end it?
I’ve spent today updating my CV.
I really don’t know what to do!!!! I’m sure I won’t secure the job anyway, but its forcing me to think and its stressing me out…………………………
“I don’t know”
Its probably a bad sign when your CPN utters these words But she did, several times today. They don’t know what to do with me. She’s going to arrange a psych review because in her words “3 heads are better than one”
I’m lost, I’m tired, and I’m scared. I need reassurance, not doubts. Everyone keeps asking me what is happy loopy like? What does happy loopy do? I don’t know!!!
What do you hope to get out of treatment? What are your goals??? Again I don’t know!!! The only thing I know, is that I’m desperanely sad, desperately lonely and I’m using self destructive behaviours in an attempt to cope.
Where on earth do I go from here? Should I quit my job? Should I move back home? Should I part ways with OH or should I just quit life. Accept that it’s not meant for me, and bid farewell to this torture for good.
Right now, I should stop being a selfish cow, and I should offer comfort to OH. His Dad is currently on an operat8ng table in a different country, undergoing major bypass surgery, and it’s lasting longer than expected.
Get a grip loopy!!