307. Our first day alone.

Today was my first day alone with little man (since our move home) as OH began his new job. Grandparents were also away, so it was a true test of my abilities.

I’m very very relieved, to report that we had fun. His tantrums didn’t rock me and his smiles and laughter filled my heart with joy.

Today was a good mood dat, and on those days I’m in control, I’m confident and I’m fun. I only wish that every day could be a good mood day.

Loopy x

303. Winding back the clock.

This one’s a little personal…

OH has always affectionately described me as “all hands”, me having the greatest our sex drives. This past year however I’ve lost my mojo, and we’ve lost our ability to connect.

Here’s the thing about depression. It robs you!! It robs you of your confidence and your energy. It robs you of your libido and your lust. It robs you off your desires and it damages your relationships.

Last night OH and I slept in my teenage bedroom. Pictures of us in our early days, full of hope and love hung selotaped to my bedroom door. Mum and Dad slept below us, mums snoring penetrating the floor boards. The old wooden bed creaked under every subtle movement, as it always did.

All off a sudden a little magic took over. We where young again, feeling the lust and excitment that embodied those two younger selves on my door. We were michevious and a little thrilled, trying desparatly not to be heard. We where in love again!!!

To be so close and intimate reminded us both of what we had, and what we must work to have again. Sex has the ability to cast off the shackles of depression. It has the ability to flood our bodies with amazing senses and our minds with an overwhelming sense of wellness.

Trust me everything, have more sex!!! There is just a little more spring in my step today 🙂

Loopy x

289. Teeeeeee!!!

I heard it bellowed in the airport, once the initial confusion passed, and he realised Mummys home!!!

My little man embraced me, with the best cuddle I’ve ever had. He smiled, and giggled and held my hand tightly. After 11 weeks of distance, I was worried, but I needn’t have been.

It was exactly what I needed. It was exactly what he needed. We’re a family again, and one that I must work harder to sustain. I must do better for you.

I love you little man, and I’ll always be your Teeeeee!!!

Loopy x

215. 3 little puddles.

The battle lines were drawn. He glared at me steadfast, and confident. There was only ever going to be one winner here.

No I will not use a spoon today Mummy! I will eat my beef and mash on my terms, or I shall starve!!!!!

You’ve got to admire the stubberness off a 2 year old. We can usually count on him to swallow grub without protest, handling cutlery like a pro.

Some battles are worth fighting and simetimes when sleep depruved and alone it’s just easier to wait whilst this little human, slowly and infuriatingly sucks beef and mash from a 5ml paracetamol syringe.

This evening would be spent powerhosing every nook and cranny of his little pudgy arms and legs. There was much fun had running and rolling down sand dunnes and I knew that he would harbour kilograms of the stuff and gleefully sprinkle it on kitchen tiles, staircase carpets and bedroom floors upon our return home. I will deal with that tomorrow!!!

Now though, it’s bath time. A whiff of something in the air indicated the need for a gentle pre wipe. I whipped his nappy off, dealt with his thoughtful little gift, and stood him, bare bummed and smiling by our bath.

I quickly nipped out to grab his PJ’s and upon my return, there they were, glistening and golden on my bathroom floor;

3 little puddles………….

Loopy x

139. My Puggy Boy.

In the quest for better mental health, I’ve had to make some tough decisions but none come close to the pain I feel tonight. My house is empty and my heart is broken.

10 years ago you came into my life and filled a hole I didn’t even know existed. You were the greatest Christmas gift off all and for 10 years we were inseparable. I promised I would love and care for you, for all your days, but tonight I’ve shipped you home to live with my parents.

My puggy boy, I owe you everything. You were my first baby. You were with me when I moved in with OH. You were with me when I was turned down on my first PhD application and you were with me the day I found out I’d been accepted.

You were with me when I had my last depressive episode. You were with me when my PTSD was at its worst. You were with me when I took my first overdose all those years ago and you gazed at me worryingly when my mouth began to froth. You were with me, when I had my 3 misscarriages, and you nuzzled your little head lovingly into me as I lay in bed, broken.

You were with me when i typed every word of my doctoral dissertation and you listend to me endlessly practice for my viva. You wiere with me when I made my first proper job applications and you were with me when we moved to take up my first post graduate job. You were the one who listened to my first attempts at lecturing, and gave me the courage to do it for real.

You were with me when I found out I was pregnant and you made the joyful declaration (see below). When I went into labour and OH was sleeping upstairs you sat by every contraction and snuggled with me through those first few hours. When we took little man home you were there to great us.

PUG 3

For 10 years my house has never been truelly quiet. Your little sniffs and snorts and snuffles filled the silence, as a reminder that I was never truelly alone. When OH worked nights you were my house alarm and protector. You were my conversation companion and you were my extra duvet during cold spells. You were also Little mans first friend and play mate.

PUG 4



pug 5

Tonight I could hear a pin drop. My house is deadly silent. Your bowls and bed are gone, I had to give you up. I know my Dad will spoil you and you’ll have much more freedom now, but I feel so guilty and alone.

PUG 1

You’ve greated me home from work everyday with your jumps and boundless energy. I love you Puggy Boy and I always will.

Loopy x.

105. Brutally honest.

This is it, my final blog post from within the confines of a psychiatric hosptial (all being well the next two nights whilst on overnight leave). Today as I sat at my kitchen table with OH, the words of a fantastic staff member rung in my ears; “if you don’t tell him, then you’ll be back here in a couple of months as a revolving door patient, you have to tell him!”.

Today I was brutally honest and poured my heart out to OH. It feels cruel to me now but I told him the true effects, on me, of his lack of engagment in our relationship.  I wept as I explained that a future with no changes will kill me.

He did his usual silenct act, but he did listen.  He told me he would make an effort, he assured me he would work on things. Tomorrow by the time I get home, OH should have made a GP appointment for himself.  I’m hopeful that he’ll have done so.

I’m clinging onto hope right now, it’s all I have to help me brave the real world again.  I’m still terrifed of leaving the safety of these walls and all the fantastic staff that perservered with me and opened me up.

I’ll miss them all terribly.  The one who let me punch her (gloves and pads), made my days more bearable and eased my suffering.  The one who stalked me (and opened me up alittle) made me feel safe and cared for. The one who instinctively knew when to lock my room, made me feel secure and less ashamed of my behaviours.  The one who made our beds, and told me to shower made me feel more human, and nurtured.  The 3 youngest ones made me laugh, and smile and appreciate the genuine goodness in people. The organiser of all activites gave purpose to our days and showed true human kindness when I first arrived. The “fabulous darling” made me feel less inadequate as a mother and more empowered as a person going forward.

The ones I’ll probably miss most off all are the two (Cunts, you need to know the Matalan context) who perservered with me, showed me genuine empathy, gradually chipped away my outer shell, made me laugh when my days were grey, made me smile when my soul was sad, and made me realise that it’s o.k to put yourself first from time to time.  No one in my life has ever talked to me, been as patient with me, showed me as much emapthy and imparted life experience to me in the ways that these two women did.  They’ll never know the true impact they have had on me.

I’ll also genuinely miss the fantastic nurses, who are constantly pestered, pulled in several directions, abused, shouted at and undervalued.  Their jobs are incredibly difficult yet they all do it with kindness, empathy and caring ears. I’ve had several really good chats with them, and each and every one showed me genuine kindness and support.  I certainly couldn’t do their jobs.

Every single person on that ward is amazing, and I will remember those people who saw me at my lowest and showered me with non judgemental care for the rest of my life.

So I guess this is it, tomorrow is the beginning of a new life for me.  One where I will put my needs first, where I will reach out for help when I am struggling and I will do everything I can to get back on track and become dare I say it; happy again.  I will shower my son and OH with love and begin to show myself the same compassion that I show to others.  Tomorrow is Day 1 of my journey to wellness.

Wish me luck everyone.

Loopy x.

 

 

 

101. Little Man

Today only one thing is occupying my thoughts; My little man.  I’m going to see him tomorrow for the first time in around 4 weeks and I should be feeling excited but my heart is filled with dread.

What kind of mother fears seeing her own child?  I’m worried that he won’t come to me, that he’ll have forgotten me or worst still that I won’t be able to tolerate his company. This is the first time seeing him, since my family reaffirmed my ASD suspicions.  My mother had his hair cut in a style I do not like and he has changed so much since I last saw him.

He’s a proper little heart breaker though; blond hair, chubby cheeks and a cheeky little face. How do I stop myself looking for symptoms and just enjoy the company of my beatiful little boy?

How will I cope if he has one of those tantrums that he often threw on our commute to work?

I’m consumed with guilt for abandoning him this past few weeks and for not missing him this past few days.

Tomorrow is a big day.

Loopy x.