261. The oak.

I’m back inside, back on level 2’s, back to chaotic wards and cold toast.

I’m not where I want to be. I wish they’d move me to my old stomping ground.

I guess for now, I’ll just stay compliant.

Loopy x

256. It’s all in my head?

Today, I phoned for my blood test results. I had a full work up. The voice on the line said; “yes they’re all normal”

I don’t understand. I don’t believe her. I want to see the numbers and rhe the eeferenxe ranges. I don’t know how this is possible. I was sure they’d indicate some physcal deficiency. I’d hoped for it. Something we could “treat” to make me feel better.

Most people would be thrilled to get the all clear. I’m devastated.

I don’t understand…….

Is it all in my head?

Loopy x

255. The impossible question.

Do you have a plan to end your life?

I’ve lost it, completely lost it. My capacity to function with some sense of normality, has gone. I felt sorry for my CPN today. I was her last appointment, and it wasn’t a “yes everything is great, you can go home early kind of chat” Did I mention that I’ve lost it?

I could see her rapidly calculating risk, going through the “toolkit” of mental health evaluations. Do we need to call 999, or will she last until tomorrow?

And then I was asked, that question that always seems so bizarre to me. Answer wrong and I’d be shipped off to somewhere “safe”.

Off course I’ve thought about it. Imagined my red long sleeve t-shirt, knotted tight! around my neck. I’ve played it over and over and over, in my mind. I’ve pictured the scene that would await, police, or paramedics, or worse OH and my beautiful little boy. I’ve thought about, the logistics, off flying me home. The anger over delays, and paperwork, that would draw out an already difficult time.

Right now I’m staring at my clothes iron. Hair straighteners aren’t working anymore. I can’t get any relief. Would a larger more intense burn help?

I answered the question correctly. She left, which is partly what I wanted her to do. The other part, wanted a hug. A tight, body stabilising, “you’ve got this! hug.

Loopy x.

247. Zopiclone!

I’m a little surprised really. They’ve prescribed me 42 zopiclone x 3.75mg and they know I already have some in my possession. Once again I am finding myself with to many pills. Tonight will be my first night on a reduced dose; 10.5mg and a promethazine to fill the void. Not exactly a break for my liver.

My blood pressure, is normal, well the nurse said normal. Actually it’s just a little high at 126/80, and definitely higher than “my normal”.

I’m still a wreck. Physically really unwell (nausea, pounding headaches and full of tremors) and emotionally totally drained. A phone call with my GP today has at least resulted in blood tests. She’s asking for the full works, but it will be a whole week before I can see a phlebotomist.

I need the tests now!

Loopy x

243. Giving up my crutch.

I’m supposed to be tapering of zopiclone this week. I’m supposed to stop taking more than 15mg. I’m supposed to get a frigging grip, but I can’t do it.

My arms are a total mess, but no one has asked me directly how I’m doing on that score, so I’ve kept it to myself.

I feel out of control and stupid. I feel unwell, and I know that it’s my own fault. I’ve not been able to hit the gym whilst OH was away, so the guilt took hold ensuring I expelled most meals to some extent, before digestion.

This morning started fairly brightly. I had fun with spotty little man out on his balance bike. He’s getting rather good.

By evening I’d crumbled, burned and binged. Then binged some more..

My CPN will see me wednesday as will a nursery nurse to discuss little man’s delayed speech.

I’m disgusting and stupid, and crap at parenting and there isn’t a pill in the world that can fix that.

Loopy x

233. Nausea.

I feel like I’m pregnant again. To be clear, I am not!

My head aches, I’ve thrown up (not deliberately) and I’m on edge. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.

On a side note, I’m worried about my future drug supply. Today I had my first online prescription rejection. I can apparently try again in 3 months. I’ve exhausted all the half reputable dealers and by that I mean the ones that appear less dodgy.

Today I came across bulk ordering from clearly questionable sites. I can buy hundreds of pills, but god knows what’s in them.

The trouble is, my desperation is rendering me tempted.

I need help.

Loopy x

224. Moles, moles everywhere!!

I’m lying in bed now starting to freak out. I need to sleep, I’m up at 6.

Tomorrow for the first time, I’m in charge of running a lab prac. Considering i walked out and had a meltdown last week, doesn’t bold well for tomorrow.

The morning session looks easy enough and so I thought; “o.k loopy, you’ve got this”. A couple of basic chem titrations to determine unknown conentrations of Vit C in juices and tablets. Simple!

Tonight though I’ve prepped for the afternoon session. I really need more time to pull it off with a swagger. The whole afternoon is dedicated to calculations, specifically paracetamol toxicity calculations and other mathematical tools to read blood parameters and figure out why our poor mystery patient is in so much trouble.

A practical on frigging drug overdoses!!! Seriously. Maybe next year I could suggest zopiclone toxicity. I suppose although this cuts a little close to the bone for me, I would never ever use paracetamol as a suicide agent.

The main problem with tomorrow is the sheer harassment I’ll get from students and paid demnstarors on how to perform the tasks set. It will be exhausting!!.

They better be able to calculate Moles per litre, and convert this into all manners of solutions. They better be happy with dilution factors and ratios. They better ace drawing standard curved and extrapolation of data. They better frigging listen when I talk them through things.

My head already hurts from the fatigue of prepping. Tomorrow, if I can limp over the line with these students, I shall count it as a victory. Tomorrow afternoon is definatly too much too soon.

Loopy x