426. Social anxiety.

So the shops are now open and people are going friggin crazy, piling up clothes and underwear and homeware and all manner of crap. It’s insane.

I wandered out today for the first time in ages. Apart from my weekly jaunt to the pharmacy to collect my cocktail of meds, I’ve stayed pretty much hidden away from the world. Today has reaffirmed that I wish to stay hidden away forever.

As I walked up the street, entered shops and stood in queues, I could feel a 1000 eyes on me. Real or imagined, it doesn’t matter, the feeling is the same. I felt strange, uneasy and anxious. I wanted to run home, literally run, but I resisted.

Once in the door I reached for my diazepam and a huge tub off ice cream.

I’m eating Orlistat like smarties these days, and especially on days like this………….even though I cycled 21km this morning.

I need therapy, I need help, and I’ve no idea how to get it? I want to talk to someone. I’m bottling up all my insecurities, worries and stress again. My new key worker/CPN is possibly very nice, but I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I don’t know her, or trust her yet. The very first time we spoke, she said she’d check in again in a month, so roughly 2 more weeks to go. How is that helpful?

Come on loopy, your not a child. It’s not up to others to check on you, probe you, or read between the lines. Take control for gods sake!!!!!!!! you useless whimp!!

I feel an explosion coming

Loopy x

423. Why do I do it to myself.

I’ve been struggling. In truth I’m stressed with work,and when I’m stressed, I quickly lose my ability to cope.

OH is working a long day, so it’s just been me and little man. I found it hard to cope. I shoved my eyepad before his eye as much as I could. I avoided him, I grew frustrated with him, and in turn he grew whiney, and clingy.

Its not his fault, it’s mine. So this evening I’ve given in to temptation, I’ve done what I needed to do, to get me through today.

It hurts now. Why do I do this to myself.

Loopy x

411. Officially discharged

I’ve been out on leave for the past 4 days, but today I was officially discharged.  It’s weird, but this always comes with a little sadness on my part.  I think you get so used to being wrapped in a 24/7 blanket of care, that leaving it makes you feel vulnerable and a little alone. 
The staff were generally great.  They wouldn’t usually tolerate patients who behaved as I did.  Any self harm over here gets you shipped immediately to a PICU, but covid stopped that, and they managed me as best they could.  They even took my wardrobe, the actual furniture away. 

I now have a clearer picture on what my priorities must be. 

1. Get help for my PND.
2. Get help for my eating issues and drug use, although since leave I have reduced my zopiclone down to 7.5mg only. 
3. Seek support or at least clarification regarding my BPD traits.
4 Learn to like myself again and accept my emotions in a more positive way.

You can only tackle these one at a time Loopy, but you can do it!!

Loopy x

410. It was hard but ……

we made it………

I had little man all day, whilst Daddy went to work.  Our first real time together since I’ve come out off hospital.

It was a difficult day, but also one I’m proud off.  I shed some tears, almost called the ward for help, almost called granny to say I couldn’t cope, but then the emotional wave passed and I perserveered.

My conclusion though is that my main issue is 100% untreated postnatal depression and recovery from that needs to be my main focus.

The meds will not solve anything and the self esteem issues and self hatred will hopefully ease if I can just get the right help. 

I hope little man had no idea.  I hope I’m not damaging him.  I hope he knows that i do Iove him and i hope I can beat this.

Loopy x

408. Home again

6 weeks on a psych ward and pretty much zero improvement.  I’m out on leave until Tuesday and then I’ll be discharged. 

Basically we all recognised that the stay was off no benefit, and without being allowed to burn, my use of ligatures just escalated. 

So I’m back home, on a ridiculous regimen of meds, and little hope going forward.  How do I get help here? How do I get better? How on earth will I cope when little man comes home from granny’s on Sunday.


I am happy to be back in my own bed though, with no restrictions and OH’s arms wrapped tightly around me.

Loopy x

400

I started this blog around 2 years ago, when I was first sectioned and subsequently admitted to a psych hospital. 

I can’t believe it’s post 400, but worse I can’t believe I’m writing this from my bed on a different psych ward.

My mood is low today.  My future hopes are well not exactly hopeful.

I’ve not seen little man in weeks (damn covid 19).  What I have seen thought is that little man and OH do well without me. 
They’ve moved back into granny’s for a bit. That’s where they belong. 
Little man deserves a happy home, and all the love and care and support that I can’t offer him.

I love you little man, but you deserve so much more.
This drug addicted, self destructive, self centred mum is no good for you.

I’m not leaving you buddy, I’m freeing you…

Loopy x

389. Back on a ward.

I met with the crisis team yesterday, and it all escalated very quickly.  I’ve been hospitalised, and I’m feeling rather pathetic. I’m worried about losing my job,losing control, losing my family, losing it all.

There’s not much to say really. this is my 3rd stint. The ward is small, mixed and I guess comfortable enough.

The staff seem very nice, but it will take me time to settle.  I don’t want to be here long. 

I can’t believe I’m back here again.

Loopy x

387. Monday.

I have a work thing after work on Monday. I’m staying in a hotel after.

I think it’s time now, time to put an end to all this. I think, I’m just broken and I can’t be fixed.

I’m pale and ugly and useless. I’m out off control. I’m a drug addict. I’m stressed, I’m lonely, I’m horrible to live with, I’m done.

I know OH and little man love me. I know I have friends and family who care. I know this is selfish, and devastating and cruel……….but I can’t go on like this. I need it all to stop. I need to take control…. I love them too, and god I hope they’ll be ok.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,

Monday……..

Loopy x

374. Nissan Jukes

Everytime I see one, I think of L. L was my first ever CPN, and the arrival of her juke onto my driveway always brought just a little light into those darkest days.

I will never forget the day she offered to watch little man, so I could have a shower.  I was a wreck, a mess, and probably stunk.  Even though I refused, I felt cared for, I felt that I mattered to someone. She often, made me feel better 

I miss her terribly, more than anyone else that was involved with my care.  I’ve been thinking about her all day.  I have so much to tell my new CPN, but I can’t.  I’d give anything to talk to L.

The crisis team stole her from me about a yeat ago, but she’d talked about re-trainong as a counsellor or therapist.  I wonder where she’s working now?  I wonder how she’s doing?  i wonder does she still drive a juke?

I wonder would she consider relocating, to be my CPN again??????

God I miss her……..

Loopy x

369. Dear family….

DISCLAIMER… Sorry readers, this ones rather sweary…..

Dear Family, Shut the fuck up, and fuck the fuck off!!!!!!!!!

My mental state is deeply routed in the constant judgement, and opinions that I’m subjected to.

“Oh he’s definitely autistic, sure you know what’s he’s like….. Why are you being so defensive!… you need to get him assessed.  You know he’s going to need support.  Sure he’s so odd.  There’s definitely something wrong with him.” .. Thanks for that dear sister, now fuck off….

“Sure you know there’s nothing wrong with him… Sure how would he not be odd, sure you and Daddy are odd a fuck.  Do ya know what he needs, a good slap once in a while. Sure he’s spoiled!! Yas have him ruined”…… Thanks for that dear mother, now fuck off!!!!

“Oh I’m not sure about that school, they’re very small. If he needs any help sure it’ll take years. Our J sent his children to HF. It’s a great wee school. You should apply there…..Thanks for that dear mother in law, now fuck off!!!!!!!

All I want, even just once, is for someone to tell me; “actually you’re doing a good job”  “he’s a credit to you both”

Not in my family….
Loopy x