503. I want to quit.

I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want the therapy. I don’t want to talk about my insecurities. I don’t want to expose myself anymore. I want to quit counselling.

She’s lovely, but I want to run. I want to hide and I want to stay silent. I can’t do it JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

I’m too embarrassed, too ashamed. I’m too pathetic. Can we just stop. I need to stop!!

It feels too raw, too uncomfortable, too hard.

I’ve never really felt like this in therapy before. Is it just too much now, whilst being a new mum. Am I already spinning too many plates or am I just scared? Scared of failure at it, scared of being silently judged, scared off saying too much……or too little.

Loopy x

365. Nothing to say.

I used to find blogging cathartic but at the moment I just can’t be bothered.

It’s a familiar feeling. The stats indicate that no one is reading it anyway.

Posts would be treading over old ground. The cyclical feelings of worthlessness, ugliness and increasing hoplesness. What the hell is wrong with me?

On a side note, I’ve ordered pills. It sounded dodgy from the start. Indian voices on a crackled line have kinda prepped me for identity theft, a bank account clear out, and a package that will never arrive. If it does arrive, god knows what’s in them!! I don’t really remember placing the order, or consuming the choclate bar, whose wrapper I found on my bedside locker this morning. Life’s becoming a little hazy.

Loopy x

243. Giving up my crutch.

I’m supposed to be tapering of zopiclone this week. I’m supposed to stop taking more than 15mg. I’m supposed to get a frigging grip, but I can’t do it.

My arms are a total mess, but no one has asked me directly how I’m doing on that score, so I’ve kept it to myself.

I feel out of control and stupid. I feel unwell, and I know that it’s my own fault. I’ve not been able to hit the gym whilst OH was away, so the guilt took hold ensuring I expelled most meals to some extent, before digestion.

This morning started fairly brightly. I had fun with spotty little man out on his balance bike. He’s getting rather good.

By evening I’d crumbled, burned and binged. Then binged some more..

My CPN will see me wednesday as will a nursery nurse to discuss little man’s delayed speech.

I’m disgusting and stupid, and crap at parenting and there isn’t a pill in the world that can fix that.

Loopy x

174. Nervous.

Tomorrow I’m going against every fibre in my being. All I wasn’t to do is hide away.

Tomorrow I’m braving a toddler group and I’m bricking it! I was supposed to be met outside, but a phoncall confirmed that my hand holder would in fact be late. I’m trying to be positive but my head has filled with fears;

The other woman will stare at me and mock me behind my back for looking like crap.

They’ll have there own alrezdy established impenetrable cliques.

No one will talk to me.

I’ll struggle to help littleman with any activities due to my crap sight or worse I’ll lose him in the room

Little man won’t play nice, will likely poop and throw a tantrum at something. I’m worried he’ll make a scene.

Wish me luck I guess, if I don’t bottle it. I said I’d go, and a nurse is coming for my benefit so I guess I can’t bottle it.

Loopy x

165. Changing my trajectory.

“So what are you going to do today?” This is a question I guess I’ve come to expect.

Think fast Loopy!; “umm I’ll probably go to the gym after lunch”. In truth I had no intention of going to the gym today. I was going to go to bed. I don’t like lying though, so I went to the gym! I’m glad the question was posed and I’m glad I turned my lie into a truth.

It was good; bust my lungs on the rowing machine good, burned a shed load of calories good, released some happy chemicals good.

I’ll go again tomorrow.

Loopy x

162. Taking me by the hand.

I’ve reached a new level of pathetic. I’ve had a phone call today on behalf of our health visitor. They’ve found a spot for myself and little man at a toddler group and they’re going to meet me outside. They’re practically taking me by the hand and I’m dreading it. Politeness made me agree to it, but every ounce of me is hoping something will come up and they’ll have to cancel on me.

I really don’t want to go. To top it off I was handed a “you’re a crap mum, let us intervene” leaflet yesterday. I guess I’m not the only one who’s realised I’m failing Little man.

Please, just let me hide away for a while.

Loopy x

71. Dog tired.

I’m so tired today.  My body is weak and heavy.  I dozed of on a window sill.  I feel like I haven’t slept in weeks (but I have).  My mind is also running quite slow though which is nice I guess.

I’ve also just had another psychology session.  It went well I think.  I did feel quite rude yawning the whole way through it though. We did some breathing exercise at the end and although I started off giggling, it got a little better.  There was no music played during the breathing exercise, and I think for me that was a good thing.

It feels like the start of some progress maybe.

Loopy x.