I’ve not really been sleeping and it was starting to reach crisis point. My psych consultant offered sleeping pills. I was shocked!
Long term followers will know that I previously battled a zopiclone addiction. I was buying it online, consuming 4,5,6,7………. pills at a time.
I was longing for addiction help, but it never came. I did it on my own. I quit. Stopped searching for them stopped buying them and to some extent stopped craving them.
The truth is you never really get completely over an addiction. You battle with it. Want to turn to it when you’re down, angry, lost and tired.
My psych offered me zopiclone. I said no. How about zolpidem? I reluctantly said yes.
The pills sat untouched on my dresser for a few nights. I was scared to take them………..then I did
I love that feeling, need that feeling, want more of that feeling! Now I’m scared for when the prescription will end.
I’m looking online, I’m craving them. I want to take a box full. I want to buy a truck load!!!
I need them!!!!!
Damn it loopy!!!!
Damn it psych!!!!!
I spent all day yesterday throwing my guts up. I’m telling people it was a bug. I don’t believe that to be true. I upped my Saxenda dose prematurely and I think that’s the culprit.
It was awful, like the worst hangover I’ve ever had. Vomiting, sweating, chills, dehydration, headache: the works!
It has scare me a little. Maybe I need a new approach or maybe I just need to go slower with the dosing.
Starting to feel a little better, I’ve turned to lucozade, and KFC. I always crave KFC when I feel like crap. There goes my diet!
I scoffed, I puked and I wept. Scoffed some more, puked some more and wept some more.
Tonight my arm is scorched white. I want to use an iron, a clothes iron, but I’ve resisted. Hair straighteners brought that wonderful sense of calm. The pain is so intense, that the calm feels all that sweeter.
I’m disgusting, I’m ugly and I stink. Literally stink. Bathing has felt all too much lately.
I want to buy Liraglutide. The Orlistat simply isn’t cutting the mustard.
So the shops are now open and people are going friggin crazy, piling up clothes and underwear and homeware and all manner of crap. It’s insane.
I wandered out today for the first time in ages. Apart from my weekly jaunt to the pharmacy to collect my cocktail of meds, I’ve stayed pretty much hidden away from the world. Today has reaffirmed that I wish to stay hidden away forever.
As I walked up the street, entered shops and stood in queues, I could feel a 1000 eyes on me. Real or imagined, it doesn’t matter, the feeling is the same. I felt strange, uneasy and anxious. I wanted to run home, literally run, but I resisted.
Once in the door I reached for my diazepam and a huge tub off ice cream.
I’m eating Orlistat like smarties these days, and especially on days like this………….even though I cycled 21km this morning.
I need therapy, I need help, and I’ve no idea how to get it? I want to talk to someone. I’m bottling up all my insecurities, worries and stress again. My new key worker/CPN is possibly very nice, but I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I don’t know her, or trust her yet. The very first time we spoke, she said she’d check in again in a month, so roughly 2 more weeks to go. How is that helpful?
Come on loopy, your not a child. It’s not up to others to check on you, probe you, or read between the lines. Take control for gods sake!!!!!!!! you useless whimp!!
I feel an explosion coming
At my last psych review I half heartedly agreed to change meds. I’d slowly reduce the venlafaxine and start sertraline (keeping the quietiapine and mirtazapine).
I’d had some success with sertraline during my uni days, but then with a little time to reflect; I remembered the weight gain!!! I frantically called my CPN. “N we can’t change the meds, I won’t take them!”
Our pharmacy, who to be honest, have been struggling to keep track of my meds off late, have now dispensed the wrong ones. So tonight I have no quietiapine or mirtazapine. I’m freaking out, stupidly, freaking out!!!! How will I sleep???? What will I do???
As readers you may guess the answer to that one. I’m a wreck, and no one’s really noticed.
I mentioned in a previous post that I’d ordered pills online. Since the clampdown on Uk online pharmacies selling sedatives, I’ve been becoming a little desperate.
I was expecting my account to cleared out, my identity to be stolen and that the pills would never arrive.
Today I recieved my little package. The contents perceptible by touch. They’ve not even bothered with a box.
I lied to my psychiatrist and CPN today. I felt ashamed. “Have you ordered any Loopy?” Nope, I have not……..
They’ve travelled from Mumbai to Coventry, and then Ireland. I’m a little shocked, but now they’re calling to me; “go on, just try one”
So I have………
When I look back over the year I’ve had, and consider all the mysery, loneliness, isolation, inpatient stays, and stress, I can honestly say that right now; I am happier!!!
I’m happier, I’m happier, I’M HAPPIER!!
Moving home, the family support, the new job and now our new little home has all made me happier.
Little man is also flourishing. He’s happier. He’s growing, he’s talking and he’s frigging beautiful!!!
Maybe this mood is partly due to having breaks from always parenting or working. Maybe it’s due to the lovely folks I work with. Maybe it’s due to the love I feel from OH or the fact that tomorrow night will be my third night in a hotel in the last 6 weeks.
Maybe I’m just a little manic!!!
Do you have a plan to end your life?
I’ve lost it, completely lost it. My capacity to function with some sense of normality, has gone. I felt sorry for my CPN today. I was her last appointment, and it wasn’t a “yes everything is great, you can go home early kind of chat” Did I mention that I’ve lost it?
I could see her rapidly calculating risk, going through the “toolkit” of mental health evaluations. Do we need to call 999, or will she last until tomorrow?
And then I was asked, that question that always seems so bizarre to me. Answer wrong and I’d be shipped off to somewhere “safe”.
Off course I’ve thought about it. Imagined my red long sleeve t-shirt, knotted tight! around my neck. I’ve played it over and over and over, in my mind. I’ve pictured the scene that would await, police, or paramedics, or worse OH and my beautiful little boy. I’ve thought about, the logistics, off flying me home. The anger over delays, and paperwork, that would draw out an already difficult time.
Right now I’m staring at my clothes iron. Hair straighteners aren’t working anymore. I can’t get any relief. Would a larger more intense burn help?
I answered the question correctly. She left, which is partly what I wanted her to do. The other part, wanted a hug. A tight, body stabilising, “you’ve got this! hug.
Yesterday my psychologist told me; “we can’t proceed with therapy at this time, you are too distressed”
This is not the first time I’ve asked for help and have been turned away because I’m too messed up. It was a devastating blow. Is it me? Why do people keep fobbing me off to other services.
Why am I impossible to work with? How on earth do I move forward when service after service keep knocking me back.
My thoughts race constantly, flipping from chores, to work duties, to self hatred,to my endless list of failings and suicide plans. Can someone please turn off my head?
I’m supposed to be tapering of zopiclone this week. I’m supposed to stop taking more than 15mg. I’m supposed to get a frigging grip, but I can’t do it.
My arms are a total mess, but no one has asked me directly how I’m doing on that score, so I’ve kept it to myself.
I feel out of control and stupid. I feel unwell, and I know that it’s my own fault. I’ve not been able to hit the gym whilst OH was away, so the guilt took hold ensuring I expelled most meals to some extent, before digestion.
This morning started fairly brightly. I had fun with spotty little man out on his balance bike. He’s getting rather good.
By evening I’d crumbled, burned and binged. Then binged some more..
My CPN will see me wednesday as will a nursery nurse to discuss little man’s delayed speech.
I’m disgusting and stupid, and crap at parenting and there isn’t a pill in the world that can fix that.