246. Another rejection…

Yesterday my psychologist told me; “we can’t proceed with therapy at this time, you are too distressed”

This is not the first time I’ve asked for help and have been turned away because I’m too messed up. It was a devastating blow. Is it me? Why do people keep fobbing me off to other services.

Why am I impossible to work with? How on earth do I move forward when service after service keep knocking me back.

My thoughts race constantly, flipping from chores, to work duties, to self hatred,to my endless list of failings and suicide plans. Can someone please turn off my head?

Loopy x

243. Giving up my crutch.

I’m supposed to be tapering of zopiclone this week. I’m supposed to stop taking more than 15mg. I’m supposed to get a frigging grip, but I can’t do it.

My arms are a total mess, but no one has asked me directly how I’m doing on that score, so I’ve kept it to myself.

I feel out of control and stupid. I feel unwell, and I know that it’s my own fault. I’ve not been able to hit the gym whilst OH was away, so the guilt took hold ensuring I expelled most meals to some extent, before digestion.

This morning started fairly brightly. I had fun with spotty little man out on his balance bike. He’s getting rather good.

By evening I’d crumbled, burned and binged. Then binged some more..

My CPN will see me wednesday as will a nursery nurse to discuss little man’s delayed speech.

I’m disgusting and stupid, and crap at parenting and there isn’t a pill in the world that can fix that.

Loopy x

238. I’m a waste of time.

She didn’t say so, but I could see it in her face. This evening I had a chat with my CPN. I’m doing nothing to help myself, so how on earth can they help me.

I’m starting to feel like, they think I’m an attention seeker. I think they’re fed up with me. I think I should just cut all ties and go it alone.

I can’t answer the “what is it that’s making you sad questions, nor can I answer the what is happy loopy like questions.

The only thing I know, is that life does not feel worth living. Life is too hard.

I need to find the courage to end it now, and do it right this time.

Loopy x

222. Kick me when I’m down

“You should think about going down to 50% until September” Those where the words that spilled from my boss’s mouth this morning, during a meeting that I had to request, in order to discuss how I’m doing on my phased return.

They stung! You’re no good to me now Loopy, you can’t handle anything and it’s costing us too much, is what I heard. All I needed was a supportive, “you can do this” but instead the last remaining shred of optimism for my future was ripped away.

I’m a burden, I’m incompetent and I’m very nearly done.

Tonight’s little sleeping pills are the same brand as those I used in August. It’s the first time a pharmacy has dispensed the same kind, in all these months. It’s a coincidence that they arrived today, on a day when I want to consume them all. I don’t have enough though, so I’ll just have to settle for a slightly comatosed sleep.

I have no capacity for stress, no tolerance for the all to familiar stares from other commuters, no cut off valves, when my face decides to spontaneously leak and no hope that this will ever change.

I wish I could see my old CPN. She’d know how to make me feel a little better. God I wish she’d come back…..

Loopy x

204. Swimming upstream.

I’ve just completely broken down on OH. There are many reasons that I’m finding today tough;

I’m going in tomorrow to discuss my return to work and I’m not ready. I lied a little to get the nod from Occi Health and right now I’m regretting those lies.

I’ve had a psychiatrist review today and that’s resulted in yet another dosage increase. They have no answers either for my F##ked up head.

Today was my last contact with my CPN as she leaves to take on a new role. Words can’t describe how much this loss has floored me. She’s been my lighthouse in the fog, my buoyancy aid through rough seas and my corner man through every punch that life has thrown at me off late. I’m struggling to process this.

And to top it all off there’s just the weight of greyness, cripplung doubts and self loathing that I cannot shake.

As I’ve said, I’ve broken down on OH. He sat quietly for a moment, drank his mug of tea and has now taken himself off to bed to “lie down for a bit”

All I really needed was a hug. Can someone please swoop me into their arms?

Loopy x

203. Head Fog

I’ve noticed lately that thoughts are becoming more and more muddled. I have frequent memory lapses and today at lunch with a friend, I couldn’t flipping string sentences together.

OH has noticed slurred speech at times, though usually after my night time sleep aid indulgence. However I’ve also noticed difficulties during the day. My mouth is often Sahara dessert dry, which could be a factor, but I am a little worried.

Loopy x

140. A Compassionate Letter.

For this weeks psychology homework, I’ve been tasked with writing a compassionate letter to myself. The last time I sat and wrote a hand written letter was when I penned my suicide note on August 3rd.  That in itself made this feel a little difficult.

I did give it a go, but I found this really tough.  The perfectionist in me wanted to plan it out, write it logically with good flow and appropriate paragraghs, but the advice given on the homework sheet was to just let it flow.  I’m not a let it flow kind of person. I feel like I’ve failed at this although I guess it will just take practice.  When I’ve written one I’m happy with I will share it with you all. I have a psychology session tomorrow and I’m not sure I’m even comfortable sharing it with her.

I ended the letter with “you need to stop binging”.  I’m struggling with food at the moment.  Even though I’m hitting the gym regularly the numbers on the scale keep rising.  I hate my fat disugusting body, which paradoxically makes me binge………….and then I purge…. I’m at a loss here. It must be the meds, and I can’t stop those. I really don’t know how to control this.

Loopy x.