It has been quite a while now since I’ve held hot irons against my arm, but I could hold it off no longer, and tonight the little sounds created by melting flesh, where my reward. The pain, too, brings a sort of comfort that I still don’t fully understand.
My current meds regimen is as follows;
Venlafaxine am 75mg, quietiapine pm 300mg, mirtazapine pm 30mg, zopiclone (self medicating) pm 7.5mg, orlistat (self medicating) with meals 120mg. I should also be taking propranolol 20 mg twice a day, but I’m not. I’m stock piling, I guess it’s a kind of back up plan. Enough off that and my heart will stop!!!
I need to talk to someone, but there’s no one to listen.
I’m back inside, back on level 2’s, back to chaotic wards and cold toast.
I’m not where I want to be. I wish they’d move me to my old stomping ground.
I guess for now, I’ll just stay compliant.
Life is literally crumbling around me. I have no strength or fight left.
I want to give up. I don’t want to be here anymore. My arms are raw and sore, my love for zopiclone is unsustainable, and all other interventions are failing me, and I stink!
I’ve been asked would I go into hospital. I’ve said yes. I wish C could come with me though.
There really isn’t much else to say.
I’m a little surprised really. They’ve prescribed me 42 zopiclone x 3.75mg and they know I already have some in my possession. Once again I am finding myself with to many pills. Tonight will be my first night on a reduced dose; 10.5mg and a promethazine to fill the void. Not exactly a break for my liver.
My blood pressure, is normal, well the nurse said normal. Actually it’s just a little high at 126/80, and definitely higher than “my normal”.
I’m still a wreck. Physically really unwell (nausea, pounding headaches and full of tremors) and emotionally totally drained. A phone call with my GP today has at least resulted in blood tests. She’s asking for the full works, but it will be a whole week before I can see a phlebotomist.
I need the tests now!
I feel like I’m pregnant again. To be clear, I am not!
My head aches, I’ve thrown up (not deliberately) and I’m on edge. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.
On a side note, I’m worried about my future drug supply. Today I had my first online prescription rejection. I can apparently try again in 3 months. I’ve exhausted all the half reputable dealers and by that I mean the ones that appear less dodgy.
Today I came across bulk ordering from clearly questionable sites. I can buy hundreds of pills, but god knows what’s in them.
The trouble is, my desperation is rendering me tempted.
I need help.
I went to the gym again last night. I didn’t go because I wanted to. I went because there was a strong compulsion to go, a compulsion driven by the fish supper I’d eaten earlier as comfort, but couldn’t expel as OH was loitering around me.
I also went because I was disgusted with myself, and I was craving the intensity, followed by calm that burning would usually provide.
My chest is in agony from a pulled muscle but I attacked the cross trainer with gusto! It did not lift my angst, or ease the self loathing that persisted to penetrate through my blasting headphones. I could barely breathe as I struggled to hold myself together, wheezy chested and tears tricking down my face camoflauged with sweat under a peaked cap.
I attacked the spinning bike before I left until my body couldn’t muster anymore effort, and my limbs were truely exhausted.
It was not a healthy gym session. It served it’s calorie burning purpose but there was no endorphin rush, just sheer exhaustion.
I came home soaked in sweat, showered and in place of the burning I still desperately craved I swallowed 3 sleeping pills.
Still sleep eluded me. Tonight I’ll swallow 4.
I’m not totally sure why I did it. I’d been fantasizing about it all day, and just now after a bike ride and a shower I’ve burned. It’s a good one.
My head has been fried lately trying to sort out my prescriptions with my GP and despite numerous faxes from my CPN, they continued to mess it up. 2 more phone calls today and I eventually made progress. But it was really stressing me out.
I’m still on only 7 days worth at a time, and to cover my Christmas hols I’ll need 2 weeks worth. I can predict hurdles!
Why is nothing ever simple????