This week my niece (9) and nephew (5) are up staying with us. What have I let myself in for!! In truth, they are very good kids, well mannered and great with little man. But the noise, oh my god the noise!!! They are most definitely the loudest kids in Ireland!!!
Noise is something myself, OH and little man struggle with. Especially little man, who often holds his hands over his ears. I’m still concerned about him, to be honest. He’s very very sensitive to noise and I swear he has OCD. Can a child off 3, have OCD?
In other news, I’ve been building… Base frame and 1 wall frame done, with other timbers cut ready for assembly. I’m actually really enjoying this carpentry malarkey. Who knows, I may quit academia and live the quiet life, building crap out off wood, and selling it at a loss (proper stuff is quite expensive)
Finally, I have my psychology assessment tomorrow. I’ve no idea where to start or what my priorities are. I’m hoping it’s quite a structured chat. I’m nervous. What if they say; ‘you’re not suitable?”
I’m terrified off lockdown easing, I’m scared little man is damaged, I’m self harming, using diazepam in excess at night, abusing Orlistat and generally, I’m just messed up.
Where should we start………
Talking about your zopiclone addiction with a GP is never easy. Trying to do it over the phone in a busy bus station, certainly made it tougher. I wish they’d called me earlier.
So this week my CPN called my GP to discuss my reliance on sleeping pills. He promptly suggested 7.5mg for 1 week and then 3.75mg for a week, then stop. She agreed, not knowing my current usage. She agreed, having no real clue, what’s going on with me. I pretty promptly had to call them direct.
Hence the akward phonecall. A lovely GP called me, and we agreed a more realustuc plan. But she insisted I come in, whuch has been arranged for next week, with a not so lovely GP. I’m dreading it.
For now, Im getting 7.5mg and 3.75ng daily, dispensed every 2 days.
The change in regulations, governing online pharmacies in the UK is a good thing. But my addicted brain, is screaming at me to find a drug dealer. I’m not ready to taper off. I’m not ready to give them up.
It has been quite a while now since I’ve held hot irons against my arm, but I could hold it off no longer, and tonight the little sounds created by melting flesh, where my reward. The pain, too, brings a sort of comfort that I still don’t fully understand.
My current meds regimen is as follows;
Venlafaxine am 75mg, quietiapine pm 300mg, mirtazapine pm 30mg, zopiclone (self medicating) pm 7.5mg, orlistat (self medicating) with meals 120mg. I should also be taking propranolol 20 mg twice a day, but I’m not. I’m stock piling, I guess it’s a kind of back up plan. Enough off that and my heart will stop!!!
I need to talk to someone, but there’s no one to listen.
I’m back inside, back on level 2’s, back to chaotic wards and cold toast.
I’m not where I want to be. I wish they’d move me to my old stomping ground.
I guess for now, I’ll just stay compliant.
Life is literally crumbling around me. I have no strength or fight left.
I want to give up. I don’t want to be here anymore. My arms are raw and sore, my love for zopiclone is unsustainable, and all other interventions are failing me, and I stink!
I’ve been asked would I go into hospital. I’ve said yes. I wish C could come with me though.
There really isn’t much else to say.
I’m a little surprised really. They’ve prescribed me 42 zopiclone x 3.75mg and they know I already have some in my possession. Once again I am finding myself with to many pills. Tonight will be my first night on a reduced dose; 10.5mg and a promethazine to fill the void. Not exactly a break for my liver.
My blood pressure, is normal, well the nurse said normal. Actually it’s just a little high at 126/80, and definitely higher than “my normal”.
I’m still a wreck. Physically really unwell (nausea, pounding headaches and full of tremors) and emotionally totally drained. A phone call with my GP today has at least resulted in blood tests. She’s asking for the full works, but it will be a whole week before I can see a phlebotomist.
I need the tests now!
I feel like I’m pregnant again. To be clear, I am not!
My head aches, I’ve thrown up (not deliberately) and I’m on edge. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.
On a side note, I’m worried about my future drug supply. Today I had my first online prescription rejection. I can apparently try again in 3 months. I’ve exhausted all the half reputable dealers and by that I mean the ones that appear less dodgy.
Today I came across bulk ordering from clearly questionable sites. I can buy hundreds of pills, but god knows what’s in them.
The trouble is, my desperation is rendering me tempted.
I need help.
I went to the gym again last night. I didn’t go because I wanted to. I went because there was a strong compulsion to go, a compulsion driven by the fish supper I’d eaten earlier as comfort, but couldn’t expel as OH was loitering around me.
I also went because I was disgusted with myself, and I was craving the intensity, followed by calm that burning would usually provide.
My chest is in agony from a pulled muscle but I attacked the cross trainer with gusto! It did not lift my angst, or ease the self loathing that persisted to penetrate through my blasting headphones. I could barely breathe as I struggled to hold myself together, wheezy chested and tears tricking down my face camoflauged with sweat under a peaked cap.
I attacked the spinning bike before I left until my body couldn’t muster anymore effort, and my limbs were truely exhausted.
It was not a healthy gym session. It served it’s calorie burning purpose but there was no endorphin rush, just sheer exhaustion.
I came home soaked in sweat, showered and in place of the burning I still desperately craved I swallowed 3 sleeping pills.
Still sleep eluded me. Tonight I’ll swallow 4.
I’m not totally sure why I did it. I’d been fantasizing about it all day, and just now after a bike ride and a shower I’ve burned. It’s a good one.
My head has been fried lately trying to sort out my prescriptions with my GP and despite numerous faxes from my CPN, they continued to mess it up. 2 more phone calls today and I eventually made progress. But it was really stressing me out.
I’m still on only 7 days worth at a time, and to cover my Christmas hols I’ll need 2 weeks worth. I can predict hurdles!
Why is nothing ever simple????
I wrote in a previous blog (No. 120) about my concerns over how easy it is to purchase prescription medications online in the UK. This ease of purchase nearly killed me, and is a constant threat to my future well being. Indeed as previously stated, I wrote to the Prime Minister.
My concerns have gained some momentum. I recieved the following email today.
Dear Doctor ———–,
My name is ———– and I am the Senior Policy Adviser on the Enforcement Group at the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) – we are the Government regulator responsible for medicines and medical devices, an Agency of the Department of Health and Social Care.
I am contacting you in relation to you letter of 30th September concerning purchasing medicines online. I am sorry to learn of your distress and hope that I can at least offer some assistance and support.
The digital healthcare area is complex and straddles regulatory boundaries – there are areas of concern within Government and I have been working with other regulators – the Care Quality Commission (regulators of healthcare services), the General Pharmaceutical Council (regulators of pharmacists and pharmacies), the General Medical Council (for doctors registration) and our counterparts in the Devolved Administrations. Sadly, yours is not the first nor only example of supply of Controlled Drugs / Prescription only medicines in this way. This presents significant risks to patient safety and we are reviewing the legislative framework in UK and importantly, identifying the gaps. In order to investigate this, I would be grateful for additional information;
As Zopiclone requires a prescription, did you have one and submitted that, or were you offered an online consultation with a doctor through the website and the medicine was prescribed remotely?
Please provide the names / links to the sites.
Many of the points you raise are the responsibility of the General Pharmaceutical Council – as above, GPhC is responsible for activities in a registered pharmacy and, as I want to ensure you receive a full explanation and action can be taken, I need to contact GPhC and also alert the Care Quality Commission and General Medical Council. I wanted to check with you that I can share information with them. I wish to thank you for raising your justifiable concerns on this matter and I look forward to receiving your reply.
I’m not going to let this go. Companies will be named and shamed. I worry for the safety of my future self and the safety of others with similar mental health demons.