320. It crackled and fizzed.

It has been quite a while now since I’ve held hot irons against my arm, but I could hold it off no longer, and tonight the little sounds created by melting flesh, where my reward. The pain, too, brings a sort of comfort that I still don’t fully understand.

My current meds regimen is as follows;

Venlafaxine am 75mg, quietiapine pm 300mg, mirtazapine pm 30mg, zopiclone (self medicating) pm 7.5mg, orlistat (self medicating) with meals 120mg. I should also be taking propranolol 20 mg twice a day, but I’m not. I’m stock piling, I guess it’s a kind of back up plan. Enough off that and my heart will stop!!!

I need to talk to someone, but there’s no one to listen.

Loopy x.

261. The oak.

I’m back inside, back on level 2’s, back to chaotic wards and cold toast.

I’m not where I want to be. I wish they’d move me to my old stomping ground.

I guess for now, I’ll just stay compliant.

Loopy x

260. The H word.

Life is literally crumbling around me. I have no strength or fight left.

I want to give up. I don’t want to be here anymore. My arms are raw and sore, my love for zopiclone is unsustainable, and all other interventions are failing me, and I stink!

I’ve been asked would I go into hospital. I’ve said yes. I wish C could come with me though.

There really isn’t much else to say.

Loopy x

247. Zopiclone!

I’m a little surprised really. They’ve prescribed me 42 zopiclone x 3.75mg and they know I already have some in my possession. Once again I am finding myself with to many pills. Tonight will be my first night on a reduced dose; 10.5mg and a promethazine to fill the void. Not exactly a break for my liver.

My blood pressure, is normal, well the nurse said normal. Actually it’s just a little high at 126/80, and definitely higher than “my normal”.

I’m still a wreck. Physically really unwell (nausea, pounding headaches and full of tremors) and emotionally totally drained. A phone call with my GP today has at least resulted in blood tests. She’s asking for the full works, but it will be a whole week before I can see a phlebotomist.

I need the tests now!

Loopy x

233. Nausea.

I feel like I’m pregnant again. To be clear, I am not!

My head aches, I’ve thrown up (not deliberately) and I’m on edge. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.

On a side note, I’m worried about my future drug supply. Today I had my first online prescription rejection. I can apparently try again in 3 months. I’ve exhausted all the half reputable dealers and by that I mean the ones that appear less dodgy.

Today I came across bulk ordering from clearly questionable sites. I can buy hundreds of pills, but god knows what’s in them.

The trouble is, my desperation is rendering me tempted.

I need help.

Loopy x

205. No endorphin boost.

I went to the gym again last night. I didn’t go because I wanted to. I went because there was a strong compulsion to go, a compulsion driven by the fish supper I’d eaten earlier as comfort, but couldn’t expel as OH was loitering around me.

I also went because I was disgusted with myself, and I was craving the intensity, followed by calm that burning would usually provide.

My chest is in agony from a pulled muscle but I attacked the cross trainer with gusto! It did not lift my angst, or ease the self loathing that persisted to penetrate through my blasting headphones. I could barely breathe as I struggled to hold myself together, wheezy chested and tears tricking down my face camoflauged with sweat under a peaked cap.

I attacked the spinning bike before I left until my body couldn’t muster anymore effort, and my limbs were truely exhausted.

It was not a healthy gym session. It served it’s calorie burning purpose but there was no endorphin rush, just sheer exhaustion.

I came home soaked in sweat, showered and in place of the burning I still desperately craved I swallowed 3 sleeping pills.

Still sleep eluded me. Tonight I’ll swallow 4.

Loopy x

178. A deep one.

I’m not totally sure why I did it. I’d been fantasizing about it all day, and just now after a bike ride and a shower I’ve burned. It’s a good one.

My head has been fried lately trying to sort out my prescriptions with my GP and despite numerous faxes from my CPN, they continued to mess it up. 2 more phone calls today and I eventually made progress. But it was really stressing me out.

I’m still on only 7 days worth at a time, and to cover my Christmas hols I’ll need 2 weeks worth. I can predict hurdles!

Why is nothing ever simple????

Loopy x