417. Black Beauty.

After passing probation and being confirmed in my job, I treated myself. 
My last bike was good, but this one??? Oh baby!!!!
When I can muster the motivation to actually drag my arse out the door and go, cycling clears my head, fills me with joy and boosts my mood.

I love it!  Now it’s time to shift all those pounds I’ve been gaining during lockdown.

Loopy x

416. On bad days.

On days like this, I want to stay in bed.  I want to avoid the world and be alone.  I blog on bad days.
Here’s the thing though. I’ve had more good days lately, than bad.  I should be writing about those.

This past week I’ve been reducing my zopiclone and diazepam usage. I’ve been playing with and loving little man.  I’ve been productive work wise, and have even 99% landed an external examiner post.  I’ve been on my bike, I’ve been cuddling with OH.  I’ve been having argument free chats with dearest sister.  I’ve been puking less and no self harm.  I’ve been doing well.

The reality here is that, to some extent COVID lockdown is giving me breathing space, a chance to bond, a chance to reset.

Today was a bad day, but the week has been good.

Focus on the good!!!
Loopy x

413. The best medicine.

I’m a mum, I’m a good mum, no actually I’m a great mum!!! I need to be kinder to myself. 

COVID had been horrendous for many reasons but for me the isolation and lockdown with my beautiful, funny, cheeky, boisterous little man, has shown me I can do this.  I love him and he loves me too. 

Just take each day as it comes and tackle one thing at a time.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Loopy x

407. An unhelpful stay.

I’ve been in hospital.now for just over 5 weeks, and I feel no better now than the day I came in.
I’ve made no progress, learned nothing new about myself and I have no hope that I will ever live content. 

COVID 19 hasn’t helped.  No visitors, no occupational therapy, no on ward activities..nothing…

The ward sister has called me ridiculous very loudly and with venum in her tone on the few occasions that I’ve ligatured, and not once has she asked if I’m ok.

The nurses generally are nice, but limited in what they can do. 

I do occasionally play with an old battered wilson (see pic), but the yard is tiny and the nurses don’t endure the noise for very long.

This stay isn’t like the others   The levels of empathy and encourgment are much lower than my last two stays.

I’m lost, and I need out.

Loopy x

397. Zombied and hopless.

The plan these days seems to be “keep her doped with lorazepam”
Any little sign of anxiety and BAM!!; “Loopy will you take some prn”?

I will, but so far they’ve done nothing for my mood. I’m more zombied now but still,  I’m done, I’m done, I’m done.

My whoie day is spent scanning for ligature points and ways out.  My mood is dark. My voice is flat, and my flaws are endless.

Your a stupid, selfish, horrible bitch loopy, and you should do the world a favour.

My thoughts are not enttirely rational.  I want to die.  I just want to die. I need to just do it.

Loopy x

392. Little man

I look at him and I can see he’s cute and funny and full of prospects, but he just doesn’t feel like my boy. 
It’s like looking at someone else’s child.  I feel cold towards him, resentful and angry that I’m not doing better. 
I’m no good for him.  He deserves so much more.

His visit today has upset me, and I’m struggling.

Loopy x

389. Back on a ward.

I met with the crisis team yesterday, and it all escalated very quickly.  I’ve been hospitalised, and I’m feeling rather pathetic. I’m worried about losing my job,losing control, losing my family, losing it all.

There’s not much to say really. this is my 3rd stint. The ward is small, mixed and I guess comfortable enough.

The staff seem very nice, but it will take me time to settle.  I don’t want to be here long. 

I can’t believe I’m back here again.

Loopy x