332. A twitch.

I often get little muscle twitches. They usually happen with my fingers. Uncontrollably one of my fingers will jolt from bent to straight, and back again.

I attribute this to my meds. I’m not entirely sure which one is the culprit but I do know that stress, fatigue and the nights I take higher doses of zopiclone, all make it worse.

Today however, catching me completely by surprise; my face twitched. I couldn’t tell precisely where on my face, but I felt it.

I can tell you though, that I’m worried about it

Loopy x

331. A little sad tonight.

I have no idea where this feeling has come from, but tonight I wish I was back on the female ward in the hospital with the clock.

Tonight I’m thinking off all the support workers and nurses and I’m wishing that for just one night, I could talk with them, have a cuppa with them and get some support from them.

I’ve got this feeling of sadness, and overwhelm that just snook up on me, and I need more help than I’ve been getting since moving home.

I wish I could call C again. I really miss her.

Loopy x

329. Handbags!!!!

I’m not a girly girl. You’re more likely to find me kicking a ball, wrestling MMA style with OH, or playing with little man’s toy trucks……but tonight?????

OH my word, I’m searching frantically for bags!! Tote bags, small bags, printy bags; kipling, Michael kors, Burberry and every high street I can think off.

My new job is awakening my inner diva!!!

Day 1 is fast approaching and I must strutt in with style……

Loopy x

328. A show of love.

I’m harsh on my parents if truth be told. They never did ’emotions”. I blame my upbringing to some degree for my current emotional instability, but I do know that they loved us.

They would show this love, not through hugs and kisses, not through hours of play or help with homework, or encouraging pats on the back, but oh my word at Christmas!! We were spoiled at Christmas, ruined in fact. Our living room floor would mimic a toy store. My parents were never rich. They worked long hours for minimum pay, and would have to scrimp and borrow, but at Christmas, myself and my sister would have all the must have toys, gizmos and gadgets. I can recall that one year, Santa even brought a horse!!

And to this day, that’s how love is shown. Tonight my mum secretly handed me a wad of cash. A thick wad, that I know she can’t afford.

I took it though (albeit uncomfortably) because I now know what it stands for. She’s proud of my new job, of my latest achievement and in her own unique way, she loves me.

I only wish she could just say those words.

Loopy x

327. Rage!!!!

Unjustified, innapropriate rage!! I can’t control it. I hate myself for it. The simplest and most insignificant of things can ignite me, and I blow!!

Little man only wanted to go outside to play. He only wanted to do, what he’s always allowed to do. The weather is fierce though and I insisted no.

He ignored my insistence . He pushed and pushed and pushed me. Look! I’m blamng him!, but its not him, its me. For god sake Loopy he’s only 2!

I wanted to shove him through the wall. I wanted to plunge a knife into my gut!! I wanted to explode!!!

I did none of these things, but I don’t trust my self control. What the hell is wrong with me?

Loopy x

326. The all clear.

I’m in shock to be honest. I’ve just had a phone call from the occi health department of my new employer.

“The physician had a look at your forms, and is happy to sign you off as fit”

Really? You don’t even want to see me?

I declared my mental ill health on the forms and have been worried, really worried that they’d withdraw my job offer. But no, I’ve been given the all clear.

I intend to pay for private therapy. I intend to book regular massages and other enjoyable treats.

This is my fresh start. Do it right loopy, look after yourself.

Loopy x

321. Am I so repulsive?

We don’t sleep together much, OH and I. It’s a combination of his low libido and my new found depression induced self hatred and lack of confidence.

I bring it up occasionally, and last Thursday night during pillow talk, I suggested that tonight (saturday) we’d have some scheduled sexy time. The only caveat was that he must make the moves. He agreed.

Tonight we’ve gone to bed a little early. He’s climbed in, turned his back to me and is now spark out. It’s an all too familiar story. It’s one that crushes me every time.

Am I so ugly and undesirable? Am I really that repulsive???

I shall just knock myself out instead.

Loopy x