What really happens in somones head?
Admission to a psych hospital and beyond; my personal depression experience.
Nope that’s not a typo. I like this brand, and have had success with it before.
New year, new body-the usual blah blah blah. Better starting point this year though, not the same level of weight gain to banish.
I’ve run out of orlistat, and I’ve decided not to re order anymore. I’m also resisting the urge to write negative, self esteem bashing blog posts and should I relent then I must at least include some positivity too. The recovery continues!!
Loopy x
Hello all, I’m back. I took a bit of a blogging break for a while there. I read somewhere that we’re all basically big gooey organ filled, high thinking batteries and sooooo…..we should drop the things that drain us and keep those thing that charge us back up
My last blog was a while ago. I found myself drained doing them. Almost like sitting in an actual therapy session but without the support. I have started to miss blogging though.
So I’m back!!
Loopy x
I’m desperate to lose weight. I needed a challenge to motivate me. Black and white thinking is a bitch.
Go hard or go home! I signed up Great Ormund Street hospitals 500,000 steps in November to raise some money for the great work they do.
I’ve just had a baby! Everything is stretched and sore but yeah OK loopy walk 10k a day, that’s no bother!!! Need to hit at least 16,666 every day.
Day 3 and my numbers are good. I’m already becoming a bit obsessed with it. I really need to lose weight.
Now that baby’s out, I’m throwing up again. Not lots, but enough I hope.
Loopy x
Little bubs birth was planned. It was going to be lovely. He’d be immediately placed on my chest. He’d gaze up at me. We’d get a hit of gushy hormones and we’d fall in love.
As you might know, things didnt go to plan. It was ages before I held him and then he was whisked off to the nicu. I didnt hold him again for a few days I think. It’s all still a bit hazy.
No proper snuggles or skin to skin at all whilst in hospital. Not the start I wanted. But I cant dwell on that now. That wasnt my fault.
Now we’re home, I’m soaking him in. After little man heads off to bed myself and bubs sit for about to hours, with him snuggled in my chest.
I dont know what skin to skin does exactly but it feels just lovely. It calms me right down and he snoozes so content. I cant stop looking at him. I love him, I really do.
Things feel a little different this time around. Good different.
Loopy x
When you get out of hospital, there’s a bit of an adrenaline rush I think. I was doing all the right things, washing, bathing, dressing, eating, caring for and playing with Little man, contributing to the house, giving OH some much needed breaks and returning to work.
Professionals would comment on how far I’ve come, how well I’m doing etc. People would ask how I feel: “I’m great”. Over the weeks my reply wouldn’t change but in reality I was good, then o.k, then less than o.k, exhausted, burnt out, depressed, miserable…………..suicidal.
The world feels overwhelming again, my anxiety is rising, my self worth plummeting. I’m drowning here.
Start talking Loopy, you need to talk.
Loopy
I bailed half way through a counselling appointment last week. I told her I wanted to end the session. I have psychology coming up, being fast tracked due to the whole pregnancy thing, but I’m dreading it. At the moment I don’t want to talk. The counselling is a self referral stop gap. You get 6 sessions and then you have to re refer. I really friggin liked her, but even with her, I started to clam up.
At the moment I’m doing a lot of crying, a lot of self appraisal and a lot of failing.
I’m so ashamed of how I’m feeling. I thought I’d pop on here and spill with ease but nope, I can’t even write down how I’m feeling.
I’m a horrible horrible person.
I wish the counsellor would contact me, but it’s not her job to do that. She left the door open, but I can’t quite walk through it. I need her to pull me through it.
Loopy x
So much better than later Grey’s. I’m back binge watching Grey’s Anatomy. I do this every year or two, usually when my moods erratic. It’s like comfort food and since I can’t enjoy any actual food at the minute, I thought feck it, bring out McDreamy!
Maybe he could re-wire my nausea medullary centres, and no that’s not a euphemism. I’m soooooooo sick of feeling….and being sick…..
Loopy x
I’m done with this pregnancy. It’s a horrible thing to say, but I don’t think I want another child. I won’t cope with 2. I’m already terrible looking after 1.
I’m thinking about suicide. I don’t think I could ever harm an unborn child though. I’m feeling trapped, and scared…..and alone.
Loopy x
I’m crying a lot. Everything is upsetting me and I can feel my bouts of rage returning. I’ve been tapering off my meds. I’m afraid they’ll harm bump, but I’m now starting to worry that I might harm bump and me…..I’m very low tonight.
On a positive note though, I’m also laughing again. I’d kind off lost that ability over the past few years. Mood stabilisers don’t just dull the lows, they also rob you off joy. I used to be a proper belly laugher, finding comedies and comedians hilarious, but the drugs slowly robbed me of that. So even though the lows are coming back, so are the belly laughs.
Right Loopy go and find a comedy to watch!
Loopy x
It’s great news, it really is. We don’t want to get our hopes up just yet. I’ve not had a great track record with pregnancies, but oh my god; I’m preggers!
I’m cautiously excited, but probably equally scared. I need a meds review ASAP.!!
That’s it Loopy: No more drugs, no more purging, no more self destruction!
Dump the Saxenda and the Orlistat. Throw out that box of zopiclone you found. Don’t burn, don’t panic and don’t keep beating yourself up. You’ve got this!
We’re in shock really. Despite my worries and fears, I’ve always said I’d like little man to have a sibling.
Hold on in there little one, and I’ll do my best to keep you safe.
Loopy x
What really happens in somones head? 