299. Can I take her with me?

Today I had my last appointment with my current CPN. C has been absolutely fantastic this past few months and I’m very sad to be losing her.

She has organised my transfer of care and given me copies of all the necessary paperwork. I actually have an appointment with my new CMHT next Monday. God I hope they’re as good as my current one.

I really wish I could take C with me.

Loopy x

294. I get very attached.

Next week we are leaving our current house to move home to live with OH’s parents for a while. I’m nervous.

I’ll be under thr care of a new CMHT and the most daunting part of this for me, is that I’ll be losing my wonderful CPN. I’m gutted. When I find care providers that I like, I must admit that I do get very attached.

I was gutted losing L months ago, but C stepped in and for this past few months she’s been my rock. She’s supported me before, during and after my latest hospital admission. She’s talked with me, laughed with me and honestly has simply been frigging amazing!

She’s had a huge impact on my life, and I’ll miss her terribly. These losses never get any easier.

Loopy x

289. Teeeeeee!!!

I heard it bellowed in the airport, once the initial confusion passed, and he realised Mummys home!!!

My little man embraced me, with the best cuddle I’ve ever had. He smiled, and giggled and held my hand tightly. After 11 weeks of distance, I was worried, but I needn’t have been.

It was exactly what I needed. It was exactly what he needed. We’re a family again, and one that I must work harder to sustain. I must do better for you.

I love you little man, and I’ll always be your Teeeeee!!!

Loopy x

286. Dying young

I can’t explain this but I have this awful niggling feeling that I’m going to die soon. It’s a feeling that comes and goes, but tonight it’s quite strong.

I can see the devastation on OH and little man. I can see my family crowding round my coffin at my wake. I can see a doctor confirming that my cancer is terminal. I can see it all.

I’m having little chest pains tonight, which I guess are fueling my thoughts a little

Do other people think like this? I don’t like it.

Loopy x

285. I’m phoning Dad.

My father has always been the more affectionate of my parents. He has tried to shower us with kisses and hugs and warmth at times, and I’ve always awkwardly recieved them, often pulling away from him.

That is how my mum reacts and that is how I’ve learned to react. It seems a little cruel to me now, that I’ve essentially shot him down so many times, despite wishing my mum would act more like him.

Psychology has helped me to realise that my father really loves me, and that I give love, much like he does. I will no longer shoot him down. I will hug him with all my might, I will phone him more, and I will end every call, with ;”I love you too Dad”.

I’ve already started, and you know what; it’s awesome…

I love you Dad!!!

Loopy x

282. Afraid to answer.

I emailed my boss this morning, as I’ve not heard from him, as I was supposed to. His secretary replied asking for my phone number. The phone just rang, and frozen with anxiety and fear, I couldn’t answer

I can’t explain the fear. I can’t explain why today, all day, my stomach is in knots. Today I’m glad of my propranolol on prescription.

Today my head is running riot, and I can’t settle. Emotionally today is a struggle.

I’m frustrated

Loopy x

279. The interview!

Today was D day. At 2.20 I recieved the Skype call, and was faced with a panel of 5! I was grilled!!!

I’ve come away exhausted, sure I haven’t got it, but I’m not deflated. I’ve done incredibly well to do this, the day after discharge from a psych hospital. It has given me courage to apply again.

You did well loopy. Be proud of yourself no matter the outcome.

Loopy