491. Teary eyed

When you get out of hospital, there’s a bit of an adrenaline rush I think. I was doing all the right things, washing, bathing, dressing, eating, caring for and playing with Little man, contributing to the house, giving OH some much needed breaks and returning to work.

Professionals would comment on how far I’ve come, how well I’m doing etc. People would ask how I feel: “I’m great”. Over the weeks my reply wouldn’t change but in reality I was good, then o.k, then less than o.k, exhausted, burnt out, depressed, miserable…………..suicidal.

The world feels overwhelming again, my anxiety is rising, my self worth plummeting. I’m drowning here.

Start talking Loopy, you need to talk.

Loopy

490. It could have been me.

I blogged some time back about a nurse who tragically killed her 3 children but failed in her own suicide attempt. This week she was found not guilty, by reason of insanity.

I’ve heard people scorn; ‘you just don’t harm your kids!!’

My neighbour came out outraged until she sized up my view. See here’s the thing. It’s a scary and a sad truth but…..that could have been me.

This poor woman hated herself, and was convinced she was an awful mother, damaging her kids beyond hope. She feared that her illness had sentenced them to a life of mystery. I’ve had those very same feelings towards little man.

This mother knew in her own mind that her children would be better off dead. Such is the harsh reality of mental ill health and delusions. I at one point also knew that little man would be better off dead. How scary is that?

I’m lucky though, somewhere in my head, despite the constant barrage of self hatred , despite the constant attacks on my abilities, and the constant fears for little man, I knew from some tiny nugget of logic that my thoughts were irrational. I knew something was wrong and that healthy people don’t feel like this. I knew I needed help.

By all accounts this poor woman had also reached out for help. She expressed some scary thoughts to professionals. She tried in my view, to manage things.

Like me though, she hid it all from her OH. I know why she did that, it’s the reason I do it too. She felt ashamed, ashamed of her condition and her thoughts. She probably felt he wouldn’t understand and that he might even hate her. She probably also wanted to hide that fact that she was a horrible person. Yes in her head this was fact!

I personally have no doubt that she went insane. I feel so so sorry for her, her husband and those 3 beautiful kids. I hope she gets the help she needs to somehow live with this. I hope lessons have been learned by those professionals who had treated her. I hope that those who now hate her, can somehow forgive her.

But most of all I hope I never have those thoughts again, and that if I do, I’ll find the strength to reach out. I hope that the little nugget of logic that saved me before, saved us before, saves us again.

Loopy x

488 Facebook stalking.

We all do it, don’t we?? I read somewhere once that if you creep on peoples Facebook pages, you’ll pop up in their friend suggestions. I don’t know if that’s true or not. If it is I’ll be popping up in a couple soon.

I’m feeling a little bit down and emotional tonight, and I don’t know why, as I had a good day. Sometimes when I’m feeling down I think about people who have helped me in the past. It’s partly because I’d like to know how they’re doing and partly because I’d just love the chance to be able to talk to them again.

I’m not creeping or stalking, more reminiscing, and just wanting to see those friendly faces. So if I do pop up in someone’s friend suggestion, I promise, it only means that you were very very important to me and helped me immensely when I needed it most. I miss you (and this is a plural you). It takes many awesome teams to put a person back together.

Loopy x

487. The anomaly scan

Today was our big 20 week scan. These are always a bit nerve wracking, more so today than with my first. I think I had talked myself into the notion that something must be wrong. After all the stuff I’ve been up to, and with depression and meds etc, I was just worried. I’ve also not been feeling any movements which I certainly should be by now, given it’s a 2nd baby.

Well the first thing we saw was a very active little baba, punching away and kicking, and pouting. It is certainly moving. Then we did the usual; heart, head, kidneys, spine etc and I’m happy to report that all looks as it should. What a weight lifted!!

Now the big reveal…………………………………….

It’s a boy!!

Mum and sis are just a little disappointed, but I’m delighted to be honest. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m far from a girly girl, more content with footballs, tools and nerf guns!!

Another little man, 🙂

Loopy x

486. A night off meds.

I’m home, I’m coping (outwardly anyway) and my little man has completely showered me with hugs and kisses and spontaneous outburst of; “my love you mammy”. Little man has been frigging wonderful, a true tonic for my sadness and doubts. His bond is real, and strong and full of love. I must be doing something right after all…

Baba though, oh you little bugger!! I have to say the growing bump, the regular scans and the family excitement is finally bringing me a little joy. Some hope, some excitement and dare I say it, some confidence.

The sickness though, jeez will it ever go away.? O.k it has lessened but last night I projectile vomited just before bed. Unfortunately that included my nighttime meds. Wow what a massive impact that had! I couldn’t sleep and when I did dose I’d immediately wake up with terrors. Very random, very scary dreams. Even OH confirmed I’d been swearing. As for my mood, it plummeted, and has stayed very low all day. I’ve been in bed, I’ve been crying and for the first time since leaving hospital, I’ve felt suicidal.

How scary is that? How can one missed dose of nighttime meds have such a devastating impact or was it just coincidence? Whatever, I’m glad this day is done.

To end on a positive note, I had a frigging excellent psychologist in hospital and his work has stuck with me, more than any other. I can hear him (not I) challenging my negative thoughts or at least prompting me to. To be honest I kinda wish I had recorded him :), but anyway….

Loopy be proud, you got up today, dressed and fed little man, showered him with love and walked him to school. You really really wanted to self harm, but you fought it and resisted, and finally you rang a friend to check how she keeping (even though she didn’t answer), and you know you’ll ring again.

Little steps Loopy, little steps…..

Loopy x

485. Gut wrenching.

I have low self esteem. I often see the very very worst in myself. I didn’t know that as part of my discharge/care plan that OH had agreed that I would have no unsupervised contact with little man.

OH didn’t actually tell me, but I’ve had several follow up calls from various professionals who kindly dropped this little bombshell on me. I don’t think OH was ever going to tell me.

When you feel like the crappest mum in the entire world, and then you’re told; ‘we don’t want you to be alone with your son” , it’s quite frankly devastating, heartbreaking and a real kick in the gut.

I would never ever ever put my little man in harms way. I’ll jump through whatever hoops I need to, to get my life back on track, but sorry social services, this is just cruel!!

Where was all this “help’ and ‘support’ this past 12 months when I’ve been literally crying out for it?

Loopy x

484. Being discharged

Well folks, that’s another hospital admission over. I’ve been in here for 6 weeks. It’s time to go home.

I’m filled with the usual terror and uncertainty that’s always accompanied these situations. How will I cope? Can I ever properly change things? How do I move forward in a positive way?

My intense crisis has passed though and some hope has returned which itself will sustain me for a while. Come on Loopy, you’ve got this!!

There’s a baby on the way. It’s hard to see it now, but this IS a good thing.

Loopy x

483. Shutters up

I’m still in hospital, I’m still quite low, I’m still a bit of a mess.

They asked me this week, “do you write things down?”. I guess I’ve stopped lately and I’m not sure why. I think I was maybe scared of being boring.

I feel sad, I feel alone, blah blah blah. I think I’m getting sick of even listening to myself. I’m very pathetic.

At this time, I want to run away. I don’t want to see, or talk to, or be around anyone, and I mean ANYONE.

I’m ignoring family calls, cutting conversations with little man short, ending text conversations abruptly and delaying booking visits for OH.

I’m ignoring bump. Trying to pretend it’s not happening,. Trying to block it out.

I want to be alone. I don’t want to have reasons to fight anymore, but I do. Its really hard because I want to die alone……

I’ve put the shutters up, I don’t ever want to take them down.

Loopy x

482. Contraband

A nurse burst in this morning, declaring; ‘it’s time to change your bedcovers!” Those words instill fear in any patient, storing contraband in their pillowcase!

Oh crap, oh crap, OH CRAP! I rolled onto my tummy and began frantically searching. Pillow 1- nope!. Pillow 2-Nope!

Are they under my sheet? Are they in my pockets? Have they fallen down on the floor!

I begin stripping the bed myself. They think I’m being helpful, but I’m not. I’m almost frantic!

Then boom, tucked down the side of my mattress I finally find them.

You can take away my straighteners, you can take away my clothes, you can take away my dignity, and freedom, but you can never take away…………………

My Tweezers!!

Loopy x

481. Jelly bean

Well there’s defo one in there. I had my 12 week scan and so far all appears healthy.

Why am I not happy? Why can I not enjoy this? How can I be so cold and detached?

Loopy x