434. Memory problems…..

and muscle aches!

I’ve been having a lot of muscle aches and pains lately, and memory lapses. It’s starting to worry me. I’d kind off switched from zopiclone to diazepam at night. Above the recommended dose off course. No one seems to care, that I’m a drug addict, off sorts. They just keep prescribing benzos and Z’s without question. I’m digressing.

Anyway I reckon the diazepam was/is causing the muscle pains. I’ve gone off it anyway after one horrendous, almost out of body, night terror experience. I woke myself up screaming! Had the worst realistic nightmare I’ve ever had. Was physically shaking, heart racing upon awakening. It scared me. Zopiclone has never done that.

As for my memory, I put things down and instantly forget. I walk into rooms and don’t know why? Today topped it all. I was chatting to my neighbour and her doggy over the fence. I talk to Flynn (doggie) daily. Today though, I could not for the life off me, recall his name.

Like I said, I’m worried.

Loopy x

432. It’s not just me……..

I’m not the only one in this house who suffers from depression. This past few years, I’ve probably made things all about me. I’ve been the one in and out of hospital. I’ve been the one who cries, complains off stress, anxiety and unstable moods. I’ve been the one under the care of a community team (well I used to be.. I couldn’t call it “care” over here).

The reality, one that I’ve known for some time is that it’s not just me who suffers. OH has struggled too since the arrival of little man. OH is always tired, distant and short tempered. His mood affects mine, and more worryingly our moods affect little man. OH snaps and swears and withdraws. He exhibits most off my symptoms.

It’s not fair on him, it’s not fair on me and it’s not fair on little man.

I’ve been selfish, but if we’re to survive as a family, it’s time we addressed the elephant in the room.

Loopy x

429. A project

I need a hobby. Pretty much every mental health professional has asked me; “what do you enjoy doing?” I pause, searching my brain for an answer, and then I blurt out; ‘”cycling”

It’s not a lie, I do enjoy cycling, but it sometimes gets aggressive, compulsive and a little destructive really, as it occasionally morphs into an essential fat burning mission. If you’ve been following I’ve now completed 140km of my 580km cycle challenge..

Cycling is good, but often, even whilst riding, my mind wanders to darker places. I’m not good a focusing on the here and now. Focusing on my surroundings, or I guess just being mindful. So…………

I need a hobby. One that requires concentration on the task at hand. I’m a Tom boy, and always have been. Growing up, myself and my cousin had toolkits, hammers and saw’s and we would venture off to build dens, cut big branches and occasionally slice our fingers!! We were about 6 or 7 at the time…

Something I’ve wanted for a while now, is a decent outdoor playhouse for little man. I reckon I can build it. Whooaaaa Loopy, baby steps!!!

We’ve amassed tools over the years and as my father is a carpenter by trade, I’ve made sure to buy ‘proper tools’

I took a delivery of timber today, and I’ve gathered up some bits and bobs. I’m going to start with a dog kennel

Wish me luck………

Loopy x

Ps the ruler is actually pretty cool. If you’re into crafts and cutting stuff with Stanley knives, this has a finger guard to stop you accidentally chopping your fingers off!!!Got it off amazon; “safety cutting ruler” 😉

428. A 100 Km…480 to go….

I’ve just passed the 100km mark [104.64 km to be exact] on the cycle challenge, I set at work. It’s me vs Dr. E. She’s as competitive as I am, which is great. It’s keeping me motivated.

I’m proud of myself, and I’ll keep going. 480km to go!!!

Loopy x

427. Psychology!!!!!!!!

I’m in shock. I thought it would never come but almost a year now, living back home and finally, I’ve received a psychology assessment appointment. July 8th over the phone.

Is it weird that I was almost excited, reading the letter.

Let’s hope this is the start of something that will ultimately be positive. I do worry a little that I’ll feel worse first.

Loopy x

423. Why do I do it to myself.

I’ve been struggling. In truth I’m stressed with work,and when I’m stressed, I quickly lose my ability to cope.

OH is working a long day, so it’s just been me and little man. I found it hard to cope. I shoved my eyepad before his eye as much as I could. I avoided him, I grew frustrated with him, and in turn he grew whiney, and clingy.

Its not his fault, it’s mine. So this evening I’ve given in to temptation, I’ve done what I needed to do, to get me through today.

It hurts now. Why do I do this to myself.

Loopy x

421. A lung buster!!

I’m back on the roads, pumping pedals as hard as I can and sweating buckets!!!
I did probably 18 miles today in scorching heat.

I got stuck behind two ladies kitted in lycra and obviously road bike fanatics, and I must admit I felt a little smug being able to keep up with them.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m competitive, often to my own detriment, so let’s face it I wasn’t going to let them get out of sight!! But nonetheless it boosted my endorphins.

I know this routine by now, June, July I’ll be energised, I’ll cycle, I’ll cope and I’ll improve and then come August BLAM!!! I’ll start to crash. 

It’s a pattern, one that  I’ve never really discussed but one that is ingrained by now.

So while this lasts I’ll enjoy the little mood boosts, and continue to cycle harder and faster.

Oh by the way, I’m nearly off the zopiclone.  I’ve gone it alone (I had to!!, there’s no help here!!) and Im coping.  3.75mg / night.  This is the lowest dose I’ve been on in nearly 2 years. 

Oddly, lockdown is suiting me, I’m liking hiding away, not seeing ppl, not showering (gross I know) and lounging in football tops. I’m scared of coming out of it

Come on Loopy, keep your head up!!

Loopy x

418. The black dog.

He’s been sniffing around today I can’t explain it, but my body feels tense and on edge. My mind feels useless and scatty. My future looks hopeless and worthless.

I hate when I feel like this. I want to buy pills, I’m toying with self harm. I’ve thrown up. I’m slipping somewhat and it scares me.

Just go to bed loopy. No buying pills, no self harm, no undoing the progress you’ve made lately.

Just go to bed!!

Loopy x

416. On bad days.

On days like this, I want to stay in bed.  I want to avoid the world and be alone.  I blog on bad days.
Here’s the thing though. I’ve had more good days lately, than bad.  I should be writing about those.

This past week I’ve been reducing my zopiclone and diazepam usage. I’ve been playing with and loving little man.  I’ve been productive work wise, and have even 99% landed an external examiner post.  I’ve been on my bike, I’ve been cuddling with OH.  I’ve been having argument free chats with dearest sister.  I’ve been puking less and no self harm.  I’ve been doing well.

The reality here is that, to some extent COVID lockdown is giving me breathing space, a chance to bond, a chance to reset.

Today was a bad day, but the week has been good.

Focus on the good!!!
Loopy x

414.Work probation.

I’ve only gone and done it!! I’ve passed my probation period at work and have been confirmed in post despite my recent absence.

I’m in shock, I’m thankful and oh my god, I’m so relieved. Apparently I’ve proven I can do the job, and I’ve hit all my probation objectives.

A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

My boss knows of my llness (depression) and gave the green light anyway. I could seriously hug him!

Be proud today loopy, and you know what, go on buy that new bike you want.

Loopy x