500.

Wow 500 posts, I can’t believe it. I never knew when I started a few years ago that I’d still find blogging cathartic. I know people read it, but it’s very much a blog for me. I dump my thoughts here, some of which I could never say out loud.

So what shall I talk about in my 500th post?

Sorry followers I know we’re all sick of it, but it has to be COVID. See getting dangerously I’ll, having a child and recovering from a C-section isn’t quite enough for me. I thought I’d catch covid too….

Bloody hell, what timing!! It’s all the in-laws fault! After 2 odd years of escaping this thing, I finally got a positive notification this morning. It’s spreading through the family and I became unwell over the weekend. Fingers crossed it doesn’t floor me. More importantly, fingers crossed it doesn’t hurt my little men.

I am worried about bubs, but what can you do? We’ve stocked up on Calpol.

So far I’ve experienced what feels like a bad head cold. I had a fever yesterday, but it’s gone today. Sore head, ears, throat and a cough. Some chills and muscle aches. Feeling a bit better today in comparison with yesterday. I hope that’s it.

Watch this space.

Loopy x

498. Avoidance

I dont know why I do it, but I do. I’m starting to avoid little bubs. I’m robbing him off on Daddy. I’m lying in bed more and more.

This is what I do when I’m starting to struggle. I dont know why. I want to escape, runaway hide or whatever.

I avoid!

Maybe some people just aren’t cut out to be parents. Maybe some people should never have kids. Maybe I’m one of those people??

Damn it Loopy!

Loopy x

495. Deranged.

Oh my goodness, what a fortnight I’ve had. Little baba is 2 weeks old today!! He arrived 5 weeks early, by emergency C-Section. I’m not being dramatic, we both could have died.

I’d been feeling really really unwell for weeks. I’d had iron infusions that did nothing for my extreme fatigue, and I had an oral glucose tolerance test that proved I wasn’t diabetic, despite my insane thirst. And I do mean insane! 3 litres, 4 litres, 5 litres and more! Nothing would quench my thirst. I was tight chested, out of puff, sore everywhere! I was starting to think it was long COVID. No one was really listening.

Then the itch started, followed shortly after by little pink spots breaking out on my hands and arms. Throw in some right side abdomen pain, ferocious Brixton hicks and oh yes!, I knew something was wrong, and as my consultant wasn’t listening, I rang my GP. He was great to be fair and quickly organised a barrage of blood tests. Early the next day, I got the call. “Loopy your liver and kidney results are deranged.

Deranged was a term I’d hear a lot over the next few days. Here’s what it meant. My kidneys and liver were struggling, working overdrive, values through the roof. The GP had queried HELLP syndrome, but the conclusion was probably even marginally worse. I was diagnosed with acute fatty liver in pregnancy. It’s all a bit of a haze, but baby needed to come out now!

At 6.44pm two weeks ago today little man no 2 was delivered. It was scary. He wasn’t breathing, moving or crying. He was deadly silent and all we could do was wait. It felt like forever, but the fantastic team did their magic and suddenly a little squishy tiny baby man was plonked on my chest. The rest of that day, the next few days in fact is hazy.

12 days in the nicu, and now on the children’s ward, we’re getting ready for home. I only spent my first night with him last night. It was bizarre and beautiful. Lots of questions still to be answered, lots of blogs to come.

We’d planned this birth meticulously. It wasn’t going to be traumatic. It was going to be special, controlled, calm. Nothing ever goes to plan!

For now though, he’s getting stronger every day, he’s stolen my heart and he’s my little warrior.

Loopy x

494. Times going too fast.

I’m booked in to deliver baby on Sept 22nd. I’m not ready! I’m freaking out! I don’t want to do this!

I’ve been prepping. Washing little mans old baby clothes, buying new stuff, sorting a crib, new car seat, cleaning our old travel system, buying little toys, food prep essentials, cute blankets, cute hats and off course hospital bag essentials. You’d think this would bring me some joy, some excitement, anything….. but it doesn’t. I’m like a robot going through the drill, but I’m really dreading it all. Right now I want him out of my belly, but not back to my house. How awful is that?

I’ve had multiple scans and I fight back tears at every single one. I look at the screen but I don’t want to. I listen to the doc explain positions, heartbeat and healthy signs but I just want them to shut up.

I don’t want to be a mum anymore. I just don’t think I can. I’m exhausted, I’m scared and I’m not ready.

Oh shit!!!

Loopy x

491. Teary eyed

When you get out of hospital, there’s a bit of an adrenaline rush I think. I was doing all the right things, washing, bathing, dressing, eating, caring for and playing with Little man, contributing to the house, giving OH some much needed breaks and returning to work.

Professionals would comment on how far I’ve come, how well I’m doing etc. People would ask how I feel: “I’m great”. Over the weeks my reply wouldn’t change but in reality I was good, then o.k, then less than o.k, exhausted, burnt out, depressed, miserable…………..suicidal.

The world feels overwhelming again, my anxiety is rising, my self worth plummeting. I’m drowning here.

Start talking Loopy, you need to talk.

Loopy

490. It could have been me.

I blogged some time back about a nurse who tragically killed her 3 children but failed in her own suicide attempt. This week she was found not guilty, by reason of insanity.

I’ve heard people scorn; ‘you just don’t harm your kids!!’

My neighbour came out outraged until she sized up my view. See here’s the thing. It’s a scary and a sad truth but…..that could have been me.

This poor woman hated herself, and was convinced she was an awful mother, damaging her kids beyond hope. She feared that her illness had sentenced them to a life of mystery. I’ve had those very same feelings towards little man.

This mother knew in her own mind that her children would be better off dead. Such is the harsh reality of mental ill health and delusions. I at one point also knew that little man would be better off dead. How scary is that?

I’m lucky though, somewhere in my head, despite the constant barrage of self hatred , despite the constant attacks on my abilities, and the constant fears for little man, I knew from some tiny nugget of logic that my thoughts were irrational. I knew something was wrong and that healthy people don’t feel like this. I knew I needed help.

By all accounts this poor woman had also reached out for help. She expressed some scary thoughts to professionals. She tried in my view, to manage things.

Like me though, she hid it all from her OH. I know why she did that, it’s the reason I do it too. She felt ashamed, ashamed of her condition and her thoughts. She probably felt he wouldn’t understand and that he might even hate her. She probably also wanted to hide that fact that she was a horrible person. Yes in her head this was fact!

I personally have no doubt that she went insane. I feel so so sorry for her, her husband and those 3 beautiful kids. I hope she gets the help she needs to somehow live with this. I hope lessons have been learned by those professionals who had treated her. I hope that those who now hate her, can somehow forgive her.

But most of all I hope I never have those thoughts again, and that if I do, I’ll find the strength to reach out. I hope that the little nugget of logic that saved me before, saved us before, saves us again.

Loopy x

488 Facebook stalking.

We all do it, don’t we?? I read somewhere once that if you creep on peoples Facebook pages, you’ll pop up in their friend suggestions. I don’t know if that’s true or not. If it is I’ll be popping up in a couple soon.

I’m feeling a little bit down and emotional tonight, and I don’t know why, as I had a good day. Sometimes when I’m feeling down I think about people who have helped me in the past. It’s partly because I’d like to know how they’re doing and partly because I’d just love the chance to be able to talk to them again.

I’m not creeping or stalking, more reminiscing, and just wanting to see those friendly faces. So if I do pop up in someone’s friend suggestion, I promise, it only means that you were very very important to me and helped me immensely when I needed it most. I miss you (and this is a plural you). It takes many awesome teams to put a person back together.

Loopy x

487. The anomaly scan

Today was our big 20 week scan. These are always a bit nerve wracking, more so today than with my first. I think I had talked myself into the notion that something must be wrong. After all the stuff I’ve been up to, and with depression and meds etc, I was just worried. I’ve also not been feeling any movements which I certainly should be by now, given it’s a 2nd baby.

Well the first thing we saw was a very active little baba, punching away and kicking, and pouting. It is certainly moving. Then we did the usual; heart, head, kidneys, spine etc and I’m happy to report that all looks as it should. What a weight lifted!!

Now the big reveal…………………………………….

It’s a boy!!

Mum and sis are just a little disappointed, but I’m delighted to be honest. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m far from a girly girl, more content with footballs, tools and nerf guns!!

Another little man, 🙂

Loopy x

486. A night off meds.

I’m home, I’m coping (outwardly anyway) and my little man has completely showered me with hugs and kisses and spontaneous outburst of; “my love you mammy”. Little man has been frigging wonderful, a true tonic for my sadness and doubts. His bond is real, and strong and full of love. I must be doing something right after all…

Baba though, oh you little bugger!! I have to say the growing bump, the regular scans and the family excitement is finally bringing me a little joy. Some hope, some excitement and dare I say it, some confidence.

The sickness though, jeez will it ever go away.? O.k it has lessened but last night I projectile vomited just before bed. Unfortunately that included my nighttime meds. Wow what a massive impact that had! I couldn’t sleep and when I did dose I’d immediately wake up with terrors. Very random, very scary dreams. Even OH confirmed I’d been swearing. As for my mood, it plummeted, and has stayed very low all day. I’ve been in bed, I’ve been crying and for the first time since leaving hospital, I’ve felt suicidal.

How scary is that? How can one missed dose of nighttime meds have such a devastating impact or was it just coincidence? Whatever, I’m glad this day is done.

To end on a positive note, I had a frigging excellent psychologist in hospital and his work has stuck with me, more than any other. I can hear him (not I) challenging my negative thoughts or at least prompting me to. To be honest I kinda wish I had recorded him :), but anyway….

Loopy be proud, you got up today, dressed and fed little man, showered him with love and walked him to school. You really really wanted to self harm, but you fought it and resisted, and finally you rang a friend to check how she keeping (even though she didn’t answer), and you know you’ll ring again.

Little steps Loopy, little steps…..

Loopy x

485. Gut wrenching.

I have low self esteem. I often see the very very worst in myself. I didn’t know that as part of my discharge/care plan that OH had agreed that I would have no unsupervised contact with little man.

OH didn’t actually tell me, but I’ve had several follow up calls from various professionals who kindly dropped this little bombshell on me. I don’t think OH was ever going to tell me.

When you feel like the crappest mum in the entire world, and then you’re told; ‘we don’t want you to be alone with your son” , it’s quite frankly devastating, heartbreaking and a real kick in the gut.

I would never ever ever put my little man in harms way. I’ll jump through whatever hoops I need to, to get my life back on track, but sorry social services, this is just cruel!!

Where was all this “help’ and ‘support’ this past 12 months when I’ve been literally crying out for it?

Loopy x