333. Fake it……..

until you make it!!! I’m experiencing imposter syndrome. How the heck did I walk into my current job. I’m coming up on two weeks, and I’m waiting. Any day now they’ll realise I’m not up to it and they’ll kick me out.

I was doing some serious foot tapping today. It’s a sign that my mind is struggling. Anxiety and self doubts are creeping in. Left unchecked they could quickly sabotage my prospects.

Come on Loopy, you can do this!! Plan a treat for yourself, you deserve it.

Loopy x

332. A twitch.

I often get little muscle twitches. They usually happen with my fingers. Uncontrollably one of my fingers will jolt from bent to straight, and back again.

I attribute this to my meds. I’m not entirely sure which one is the culprit but I do know that stress, fatigue and the nights I take higher doses of zopiclone, all make it worse.

Today however, catching me completely by surprise; my face twitched. I couldn’t tell precisely where on my face, but I felt it.

I can tell you though, that I’m worried about it

Loopy x

328. A show of love.

I’m harsh on my parents if truth be told. They never did ’emotions”. I blame my upbringing to some degree for my current emotional instability, but I do know that they loved us.

They would show this love, not through hugs and kisses, not through hours of play or help with homework, or encouraging pats on the back, but oh my word at Christmas!! We were spoiled at Christmas, ruined in fact. Our living room floor would mimic a toy store. My parents were never rich. They worked long hours for minimum pay, and would have to scrimp and borrow, but at Christmas, myself and my sister would have all the must have toys, gizmos and gadgets. I can recall that one year, Santa even brought a horse!!

And to this day, that’s how love is shown. Tonight my mum secretly handed me a wad of cash. A thick wad, that I know she can’t afford.

I took it though (albeit uncomfortably) because I now know what it stands for. She’s proud of my new job, of my latest achievement and in her own unique way, she loves me.

I only wish she could just say those words.

Loopy x

326. The all clear.

I’m in shock to be honest. I’ve just had a phone call from the occi health department of my new employer.

“The physician had a look at your forms, and is happy to sign you off as fit”

Really? You don’t even want to see me?

I declared my mental ill health on the forms and have been worried, really worried that they’d withdraw my job offer. But no, I’ve been given the all clear.

I intend to pay for private therapy. I intend to book regular massages and other enjoyable treats.

This is my fresh start. Do it right loopy, look after yourself.

Loopy x

325. Back in the game!

I’ve just read my last post, and it’s hard to imagine that’s how I felt just days ago. Switching from utter despair to my present uplifted buoyancy is exhausting, but the good days keep me afloat.

Yesterday was a good day, a great day in fact. I went to meet my new boss, and I had a tour of where I’ll be working. Everyone was so friendly and welcoming. It was really really nice to feel that sense of professional loopy again.

I finished off last night with an endorphin boosting gym session.

I’ve not yet been cleared to start by Occi Health but I’m a little more hopeful.

Loopy x

324. Wash away the sadness.

I’ve just had a shower. It’s a bad sign for sure when you start to pick up on your own “odour” I hadn’t washed in days and no one thought to prompt me.

Today, after an entire day lying and sobbing in bed, I figured “go one loopy, try a shower; it might help”. Although my mood is much the same, there is something pleasantly therapeutic about flushing days of grime down the plughole.

Today both my body and my mind failed me. Each time I tried to rise, they literally crumbled under the sheer weight of life, or at least my perception off it, and all its mysery. I felt a sadness today, that almost drove me to dangerous actions. I felt a level of hoplesness, and indeed still do, that I believe will be my undoing. I want to die. I want to end all these turbulent thoughts once and for all, but I want to do it in such a way, that won’t hurt anyone….

Impossible right? I’m stuck.

I have come to a decision though. If my job offer (a massive part of my identity and sense of “self”) is indeed resinded, I shall kill myself and I shall do it right. .

It will hurt both OH and little man, but ultimately me not being around, would be much better for both of them.

Loopy x

323. Anxious!!

My anxiety levels are through the roof. I’ve been offered my dream job, but I fear it shall be snatched away from me.

The medical questionnaire was very in depth. If I lied too much, I could be easily caught out. I fear I’ve spilled too much. I fear the prejudices and stigma around mental health will come to the fore and rob me off my future.

I can’t bear it. Best case scenario I’m pulled into Occi Health for an assessment. Worse case……..well…………….

If I lose it now, I’ll be more than crushed.

I should have lied!!!

Loopy x