152. A kick in the teeth!

I braved it, I forced myself to go, I didn’t want to but everyone is telling me to be more sociable. I went to my friends for a cuppa, but I should have stayed at home!

It was awful from the start. My little man was extremely difficult, he roared and cried and even hit me. He exhibited all the little traits that spark my ASD fears. It was unbearable and upsetting.

I can’t go to groups with him, what if he has a meltdown down there too. I need us to stay hidden from the world. Things are just calmer in our own space. I can’t cope with the stress. I need to burn….

Loopy x

151. Too ugly to go.

I’ve been invited around to my friends for a cuppa. I accepted the invite yesterday but today I’m feeling too ugly to go. I look like crap. I just want to hide away.

I’m trying to be rational. Your friend knows what you look like Friends don’t care what you look like.

I’m on the brink if cancelling. Just go Loopy!!!

Loopy x

150. Mum guilt!!!!

“Off course his speech is delayed, you abandoned him for months”.  O.k I’m paraphrasing but that’s what it sounded like to me.  I had a chat today with a new Health Visitor and a Nursery Nurse regarding my concerns over Littlemans development or should I say lack off.  It was an upsetting afternoon.

They were both nice but all I can think, is that my issues have led to my Littlemans problems.  I’m the reason his speech is delayed.  I’m the reason he’s been so stressed.  I’m his Mum and yet all I’ve done is damage him.

Advice wise it was the same old story, “Join some groups!”.  I swear every health professional in my life right now is reading from the same script!  Maybe if I hear it enough times, I’ll give in.  The HV did offer to go to one with me though as a “friend” so that I didn’t have to walk in alone, which in fairness might be helpful.

The thoughts that my Littleman would be better off without me, are very intrusive this evening.

Loopy x.

148. Reset, Reboot and Go.

Today was about getting back on track.  I’ve had a troubled few days, but I’ve hit the reset button, and am ready to start looking after myself again.

I visited a friend today.  I talked in an earlier blog about the temporary friends you make when you’re in a psych hospital, but I failed to mention that I also made a keeper. I visited her today. Chatting with her helped me to gain some perspective. I can recognise disordered thinking in others.  It’s as glaringly obvious as a bright sun in clear blue skies. This friend of mine, is someone who has no idea how beautiful she is both inside and out, and unfortunately it’s slowly destroying her. Someone made a comment to her today; “you’re looking really well.” My friend gave me an insight into the hell that is body dysmorphia, because this well meaning comment equated to “You’ve gained weight” By the time I saw her at lunchtime, she’d done 60,000 steps. I wish I could help her, but I can’t.  I also need to tread a little carefully as I have a habit of taking on other peoples baggage.

Seeing her though has made me thankful that I’m out, and made me determined to work a little harder on finding the right path to better mental health.

I’ve just come back from the gym and it has made me feel good this evening. Now if only I could stop my mirtazapine…………

Loopy x.

 

 

147. Turbulent Times.

Last night, I longed for death, tonight I want to fight. My head is all over the place.

I don’t have the will power to be anorexic. However my relationship with food is difficult at the moment.

I’ve abandoned my compassionate self, and lost sight of the “fab four”

I’ve self harmed again, and it felt good. Damn it!

Loopy x

146. Happy Birthday.

I’ve turned 33 today. Right now, I really don’t want to see 34. Put simply, I’m feeling really sad. I want to go to bed and never wake up.

OH surprised me with a fitbit this morning. It’s just what I wanted, but I’ll likely be returning it. I can’t read the display. I’m a little gutted and honestly I’m sick of my crappy vision.

Myself and OH went out for dinner, as mum is here to babysit. If mum wasn’t here I’d be throwing up right now. I feel absolutely disgusting. To quote my mum; “you’ve not gained weight on your face, just your gut!”

I feel really guilty about having dessert.

I love OH and my Little man but I really really can’t do this anymore. There’s that inner conflict again. I really want to give up.

I’m no good for either of them.

Loopy x

143. Scatty brained!

I’m home, and I hate it. It’s too loud. It’s too busy and I want to scream. We’ve just come back from a children’s disco. Bad idea!! Little man just stared at the lights and then became distressed. My distress struck before his. Neither off us could cope in that environment.

I’m also becoming increasingly worried about my scatty brains lately. I’ve just spent ages looking for our baby wipes, gave up and then discovered I’d put them in the fridge!

I’ve accidently stolen from Sainsbury’s twice in the last week. I always load up Little man’s buggy pockets with stuff, and then unload when I’m paying, but lately I completely forgot about an item I’d placed in the hood, on TWO separate occasions.

I also keep forgetting to take my meds. If not for my phone reminders, I’d be very non compliant.

I’m pretty miserable today. and wish I was alone, but I’ll have to fake smiles and conversation all afternoon. I wish I could talk to someone who understands. I’m desperate to burn.

I can’t fake it anymore.

Loopy x