242. Chickenpox!

Nursery had an outbreak a few weeks ago. I’ve been watching little man closely, and this weekend; BOOM!

The spots are literally erupting before my eyes. We could really be doing without this right now. I’m going to have to take time off work. I’m not in any position to asking for time off, given my recent episodes.

Little man is grumpy. Indeed I would be too. I’ve had them as a child, but oh dear, tonight I’m feeling rather itchy.

Let’s hope it’s just a psychological reaction to having pox in our house. My immune system is probably already working overdrive. Can it cope with chicken pox?

Loopy x.

240. Hypotensive?

I’m not sure but I think my blood pressure has dropped. A combination of weight loss, hard gym sessions, weeping burns and my overuse of sedatives could certainly be the cause.

I’m nauseous, fatigued, have a reduced appetite, get dizzy, have headaches and I’m shaky, unbelievably shaky.

I hope it’s hypotension. My list of symptoms could also indicate a struggling liver.

I’m quite worried.

Loopy x

239. He wasn’t happy.

I requested a meeting with my boss today. He’s had a rough day. One off my colleagues resigned,overworked and over stressed.

My boss could not hide his contempt when I told him I might now need Thursday mornings off. I’ve been taking little man along to psychology but It’s not working. I was honest at the end off my last session.

The therapy model may now be changing. We’re going to discuss it next week. But it will also mean changing day, so that little man is being cared for elsewhere.

Could you not do it on Mondays? His tone was scornful. I’m pretty useless to be fair, and I don’t know how to fix it.

The fact I was twitching like a maniac wouldn’t have helped.

Loopy x.

238. I’m a waste of time.

She didn’t say so, but I could see it in her face. This evening I had a chat with my CPN. I’m doing nothing to help myself, so how on earth can they help me.

I’m starting to feel like, they think I’m an attention seeker. I think they’re fed up with me. I think I should just cut all ties and go it alone.

I can’t answer the “what is it that’s making you sad questions, nor can I answer the what is happy loopy like questions.

The only thing I know, is that life does not feel worth living. Life is too hard.

I need to find the courage to end it now, and do it right this time.

Loopy x

236. I don’t know what to do.

Nor do I know what to type here. Blogging is usually cathartic, but when I can’t find the words, it frustrates me.

Today, I’ve shipped little man off to nursery, and I’ve returned to bed. Today I’ve binged and burned. Today I’m feeling weak and hopeless.

Today I want to die. I don’t have any strength left, and I’m missing L. She just somehow always managed to soothe me.

I need her back. I can’t bring myself to call my newest CPN for help.

And anyway, I’m beyond help.

Loopy x

235. Chaos.

That’s probably the best way to describe toddler football. I signed little man up before Christmas and finally a spot opened up.

Today we had our taster session. Toddlers certainly follow the 2nd law of thermodynamics. Entropy increases!!! It was absolute chaos but I’ve signed him up anyway. There were other little kids his age, and despite ignoring every instruction from the coaches, he had fun.

It was also comical watching over zealous father’s trying to create the next Messi. One actually (accidently) threw his little 18 month old into the goal, whilst swinging him pendulum style to kick a ball.

As for me, it was more to my taste than the toddler groups. I can chat to parents if I like, but I can also spend the time with little man, showing him dribbling and celebrating his goal successes.

I was more at ease in that environment.

Loopy x.

234. Just a minute!

“Maybe we should bring the buggy!!” came bellowing from Just outside my bedroom door.

Seriously Mum, please just bugger off for a few minutes. You were down stairs a second ago, why the hell can you not stay there for just a few minutes!!!

I can’t get any flipping time alone with my straighteners this weekend. Between OH and mum being here. I could scream!!!!

I’m a mess, and I desperately need to burn.

I’m feeling defeated again.

Loopy x