What really happens in somones head?
Admission to a psych hospital and beyond; my personal depression experience.
Today I indulged in some shock therapy. D.I.Y style!! I swear the longer I work from home, the more brain cells I am losing.
My drill broke, and suspecting that there may be some dust in the cable end, I took it upon myself the suck the dust free.
Next time loopy, UNPLUG IT FROM THE MAINS!!!
On the bright side, I’ve spent most of the evening, chuckling to myself, at my stupidity. Who know’s, maybe E.C.T would work on me. 😉
Loopy x
And not that oul soccer shite. Proper football!! Gaelic football!!! ;0 (Ok I do like soccer too)
I made an effort. I found a club and made enquiries. Tonight despite all my anxiety and fear, I forced myself to go!!! Â The original “Beautiful Game”
I’m glad I did. Ok I was probably the most geriatric there! (@34) I lacked kicking accuracy and down right sprinting pace but fuck it, I gave it guts and had some fun.
The next training session is Friday, and I’ll be there!
Good job Loopy!!
Loopy x
Loopy x
I’ve not had the motivation to cycle lately. I’ve been lazy, lethargic and just blah
Work wise we are operating through MS teams and I know some of my colleagues like to cycle so I’ve set us a challenge.
How fast can we as a group cover the length of beautiful ireland. I’d kind off forgotten we’re all in academia, which means that we’re quite a competitive bunch.
The race is on to do the 581 km, not just as a group, but Individually!!!
Hell yeah, I’m competitive!! It’s just what I needed to get me pedalling again. 16km down, only 565 to go!!
Loopy x
I’m back on the roads, pumping pedals as hard as I can and sweating buckets!!!
I did probably 18 miles today in scorching heat.
I got stuck behind two ladies kitted in lycra and obviously road bike fanatics, and I must admit I felt a little smug being able to keep up with them.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m competitive, often to my own detriment, so let’s face it I wasn’t going to let them get out of sight!! But nonetheless it boosted my endorphins.
I know this routine by now, June, July I’ll be energised, I’ll cycle, I’ll cope and I’ll improve and then come August BLAM!!! I’ll start to crash.
It’s a pattern, one that I’ve never really discussed but one that is ingrained by now.
So while this lasts I’ll enjoy the little mood boosts, and continue to cycle harder and faster.
Oh by the way, I’m nearly off the zopiclone. I’ve gone it alone (I had to!!, there’s no help here!!) and Im coping. 3.75mg / night. This is the lowest dose I’ve been on in nearly 2 years.
Oddly, lockdown is suiting me, I’m liking hiding away, not seeing ppl, not showering (gross I know) and lounging in football tops. I’m scared of coming out of it
Come on Loopy, keep your head up!!
Loopy x
I took a lot from the time I spent on a psychiatric ward. I learned that there are amazing people in this world. I was cacooned in a place of safety and warmth (ignoring the odd erratic patient outbursts). I met people who in the face of staff shortages, shit pay, and regular abuse; gave themselves wholly to the caring of others.
They are truly inspirational, but the one who inspires me the most, was my room neighbour, football companion, confidante and the newest member off my treasured friends list.
I went to visit her today; and her smile and progress since my last visit have lifted my spirits this evening. She was moved to a different unit, and it hit her hard, but today I met a girl transformed. A girl with hope and drive to beat her demons. A girl whose battles are greater than mine, but her strength and resolve are remarkable. I’ve told her many times that 2019 will be our year!!! Chatting and laughing with her today has given me some hope, for both off us.
Come on S, we can do this!
Loopy x
And oh god I needed it!! I’m so grateful right now for the constant gentle supportive nagging that I’ve had about finding hobbies again. I totally forgot how much I used to enjoy judo and how much fun it is to chuck 15st dudes around. Tonight’s class was all wrestling; proper wrestling!
Let’s face it, these things tend to be male dominated and you know what? That’s part of the rush. I’m 5 ft 3, and currently weigh 55 kg, and I’ve just spent an hour grappling with guys twice my size.
I got floored several times and my flat chested fried eggs, are now pancakes!, but it was awesome.
Last night I had hit rock bottom, and cried a flood before bedtime, but tonight, I’m feeling rather elated. I’m going to be bloomin sore tomorrow.
Loopy x
I’ve had endless conversations with my psychologist and my CPN about finding hobbies again. Endless conversations about improving my social circle and I’ve always come back with, ‘I don’t know what I like, or indeed used to like.
I don’t care much for girly chats about fashion, shopping, manicures and the latest trends in dieting. I feel ugly in groups of women and judged.
I’m a Tom boy, through and through, and I’ve been thinking lately about the judo I used to do at uni and the lovely support worker who brought in pads and gloves for me to use in hospital. I’ve been googling local clubs lately and trying to muster up the courage to go.
I changed my outfit like 4 times, brushed my teeth 5 times, kept scolding the reflection in my mirror but I did it. I managed to go out of my comfort zone and try a new class.
The BJJ and kick boxing, that I’ve just attended, may be the answer to venting all the angst and rage that I used to vent with “Wilson”
Loopy x
I’m trying, I’m really frigging trying. I had a discussion this week with my CPN about ways to better communicate with OH and ways to improve our overall family wellbeing.Â
We discussed forest walking as a way to be in each others company, away from the daily grind of life. She mentioned that this is popular in Japan. She was off course right. I was intrigued and have done a little reading.Â
“Forest bathing—basically just being in the presence of trees—became part of a national public health program in Japan in 1982 when the forestry ministry coined the phrase shinrin-yoku and promoted topiary as therapy.”Â
There is a lot in the literature that does indeed support the health benefits of exposure to nature and green spaces on human systems. But we all know this already; right?
OH was off work today so we took a trip to a nearby forest (and beach). Little man loved it! There is definitely something calming about being out in nature. I don’t know why we don’t do this more. We will from now on. The odd thing is, both myself and OH were raised in the countryside amongst cows and fields and freedom. It’s in our DNA, so being out in nature is something we should strive for regularly.Â
I need people right now to point out he obvious to me, and push me to do things that will bring me back to life. I’m thankful that I have such excellent community support at the moment and a psychologist who is honest and realistic with me.Â
Loopy x.Â
Despite struggling to get out of bed this morning, today has actually been a slightly more upbeat day. Another tick on my road to better mental health, was having my eyes tested today. I’ve been having headaches for months and I think it is down to eye strain. My vision is 6/38. Basically what the average person can see from 38 metres away, I can only see within 6 metres away. Pretty poor really but for the first time in my life; there was a noticable difference with lenses. I can’t see any more lines on the chart but with lenses the letters became a little sharper. So I’ve purchased glasses, with reactions lenses to help filter light and glare treatment to ease the strain when viewing computer screens. Hopefully this will be a positive move. I’m also going to ask my GP for an opthalmologist referral so that I can be fully evaluated and properly registered in this country.
My little man also filled me with joy today. He’s grown up so much whilst I’ve been away. Now he loves to wrestle, be tossed around, be michievious and just generally play. I’ve enjoyed his company today which is a massive leap forward. I’m also a little less concerned now about ASD, having spent much more time with him. He certainly has his quirks and I want to get him reviewed but I’m more optimistic that he’s actually going to be fine.
On a different note, my slightly eleavated mood has given me the push to try the “Bring Sally Up” challenge. This was mentioned to me; by my stalker (an excellant support worker) whilst I was still an inpatient. Look it up if you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’d never heard of it either.
It’s one of those workouts that looks so simple but……………
I tried it first with push ups; EPIC FAIL!! (I’ve always been terrible at push ups)
I then did it with leg raises, and I could certainly feel it. I will continue with the leg raises for a while until my core is stronger. It’s a great little challenge though as you can do it with most excercises (sit ups, squats, planks, free weights etc etc). It will only take around 3 minutes out of your day, and you get a decent work out.
I’m glad I’m ending today more upbeat and optimistic. Tomorrow will be my first day at home alone all day with Little man. I’ve been dreading it since discharge but tonight it doesn’t seem so scary.
Keep it up Loopy.
Loopy x.
I spend a lot of my time complaining that this ward is a difficult place to be, but every now and again one of the characters makes me smile.
E; “Why did George Michael have chocolate on his face??………………………………..”
….……………………………………………………………………………………………………..
“Because he was careless with his Wispa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”…………………….
I needed to smile today. Thank you E.
Loopy x.
What really happens in somones head? 