433. Muddy madness.

I’m building again. I’d been looking at mud kitchens for little man before.

Today, I’ve gone ahead and built one.. It’s not quite finished, but he seems to like it.

Now loopy, focus on your actual job for a few days. No more excuses!!

Loopy x

424. A happy childhood memory.

I don’t really remember much from my childhood, and the memories I do have are always negative.

Left alone at a young age with my sister. Lists of chores that had to be completed or else!!! Cooking, cleaning, lighting fires, and sibling rows that would rival Ali’s rumble in the jungle.. We were alone, and I was beat up regularly, and shit scared to ever tell.

But I’ve remembered something good. I give myself a hard time, because with my crappy sight, I struggle to read bedtime stories for little man. It’s hard to find good books with insanely large text. So I’ve changed tactic, and have started making up stories, that see him as a big strong robot getting into all kinds off adventures, fighting sharks and dinosaurs, rescuing friends from fires, racing cars and well basically anything that I can bring to mind ad hoc.

By doing this, it suddenly dawned on me, that my sister used to do the same for me. Our parents never read us bed time stories, and my sister’s sight is worse than mine, but frequently she’d make up tales about Lego men and their crazy adventures, and you know what; I’m thankful for that.

As I’ve said, I have very few good childhood memories but this one has made me feel all warm and fuzzy

I’ll continue telling tales for little man.

Loopy x

420 My love you….

“My love you too Mammy”…………. On days like today, little man, just melts my heart.  He’s Mammys boy through and through. 

The sun is scorching, our paddling pool is out, and little man is full of laughter and joy.  He had a little naked protest earlier.  How does one explain to a 3 year old that no one wants to see his bear bum or willy???

The other day we went to a garden centre and as strangers approached, little man stomped one foot out in front of himself, flung his two arms in the direction of the strangers, palms out and declared, at the top of his vouce; “stand back!!!” 

It was pretty hilarious but it got me thinking about the effects of COVID on our little people.

Lots of things from my childhood and beyond affected my emotional development.  I do wonder will COVID’s rein of terror live beyond the life cycle of the virus, in the form of children afraid to be near, afraid to hug, afraid to love one another……….

I know it’s necessary right now, but when strangers cross the street or hide in alleys or whatever in an attempt to stay 2 metres from me, it makes me feel somehow defective, something to be feared.

Its not nice, and it’s certainly not a culture I want to in still in little people.

Loopy x

412. It’s caught me off guard.

I’ve chomped my nails, down to the stumps, I’ve binged and purged.  I’ve burned and tonight for the first time since discharge, I want to knock myself out with zopiclone and diazepam, both of which I have in my possession (not loads)

I can’t explain it but a huge wave of sadness, hopelessness, self doubts and self destructive urges have hit me hard this evening…

And so the cycle begins again……………

Loopy x 

409. I had to bring him home.

I’m out on leave from the hospital, and our plan was to see how it goes for a few days before bringing little man home from granny’s 

I’ve been low all day.  I’ve been a little weepy and lost for things to do.  I’ve contemplated downing drugs and other means.

What surprised me though, is that my heart ached for little man.  I practically begged OH to trust me, and bring him home.

At granny’s my little hero leaped out the front door, sprinted shoeless across pebbles and tarmac, and flung his arms around me.  We squeezed each other tightly and both faught back little tears.

Our relationship is a little complicated, and I need help with that but……

Little man is home where he belongs! and I must must MUST not let him down or abandon him again.

Loopy x

405. Hello buddy.

I’m still on a psych ward. I’m still feeling suicidal and I’m still struggling with facing up to all my little demons.

Covid 19 has been tough on me, with no visits allowed.  I’ve not held or played with little man in weeks.  I feel so guilty for dumping him again.  I feel so scared about mapping out a future that will not damage him.  Some days I doubt my love foe him.  Some days I want to give him back, but everyday from in here i face time with hum.

“Hello buddy” 

And I do it because I want him to know I love him, and that I’m trying to be better for him. 

There is a long and difficult path ahead for us as a little family.  It’s one tonight, that I want to run from.  I want to ligature, but no loopy, not tonight.  Fight for your little man.  Fight for what could be fun fullfilling future for you all.

Come on Loopy, no more “setbacks” please.

Loopy x

398. Mothers day

I could only see him over whatsapp.  Bloody corona virus!!!
I’ve felt sad all day, but I’m not sure what it truly stems from.

Is it that I’m missing little man today, or is it that saying goodbye on WhatsApp brought me some refeif. 
He kissed the phone and smiled at me, but he was also rather distracted by the telly.  I was not top off his interests.

Why would I be? I suck!

Loopy x

396. Afraid off my own child.

I’m afraid of failing him.

I’m afraid of damaging him.

I’m afraid of not loving him.

I’m afraid of my coldness towards him.

I’m afraid of spending time together.

I’m afraid I’m going to break him.

I’m afraid his head will grow like mine, full off demons and self doubts.

I’m afraid I’m no good for him.

I’m afraid off it all, and I want to run away.

What a horrible selfish bitch of a mother I am.

I don’t deserve him, and he certainly deserves better than me.

Loopy x

368. Big Monster Coming!!!

Little man is currently obsessed with 2 things; transformers and monsters.

Every evening when I get home from work, I’m taken by the hand, dragged upstairs and I’m instructed to RUN!; “RUN MAMMY…RUN…BIG MONSTER COMING!!!

Little man pulls off all manner of robot like moves as he frantically fights and shoots at this terrible thing, protecting Mammy at all costs, whilst barking instructions!

40 minutes later, exhausted and even sweaty, I gaze into my little man’s eyes, kiss him on the forehead, and tuck him in tightly, knowing in my heart, that despite our struggles and upheavel; My little man is my greatest achievement, and he deserves all the effort and love I can muster.

The nieghbours must think we’re bonkers, but i dont care. I love you little man……

Loopy x

346. A disappointing Halloween.

I’d bought a costume. I had good intentions, but then OH was working, and I get home quite late. I don’t drive, and grandparents never thought to offer.

Little man didn’t get to be a pirate. He didn’t get to binge on goodies, see fireworks or help daddy carve a pumpkin.

I feel really bad. I feel disappointed for him, and for myself.

Maybe next year. I must do better.

Loopy x