85. Less tired today.

I’ve been on a higher does of quetiapine now for 3 nights.  Sleep still eludes me but today I’m feeling less knocked out by the quetiapine.  I guess I’m starting to adjust. Today the overwhelming sensation is stress; which is a little easier to cope with than yesterdays suicidal ideation.  I have no desire to ligature today.

Despite being in hospital, I’m still having to organise everything. Contact nursery, pay bills and liaise with grandparents regarding the care of little man. My head is going to explode. It’s a tangible and all to familiar feeling. It’s like a physical squeezing on my head.

I’ve also pulled a leg muscle which is frustrating as it means I can’t kick Wilson as much as I need to.  How will I cope with the urges to self harm today? My mood is a little better though.

Loopy x.

75. “You need to get back to your son”

A simple comment by another patient that sparked a quick downward spiral.  I’m not missing him today, and I’m mad at myself for that.  I’ve been having better days, and I’ve not seen my son in weeks.  Is our bond ireparably broken? I’m a horrible mother.  I’m a horrible person.  I need to burn.

I needed distracting from these thoughts. A game of draughts with a member of staff has settled me a little (and prevented me from burning).

Today the confilct in my head is edging (see 74), towards the injection.  My moods really are all over the place.

Loopy x.

68. Wilson Reincarnated.

For those of you who may have missed some posts, Wilson is my football. Wilson has been punched and kicked daily, but he remains my best friend.  The problem is, I keep kicking him over the roof!!

So after my earlier rant, I did then get my hair sorted and I did manage to go out with OH. I was even left unacompanied with hair straighteners and I did no harm.

After a trip to Sports Direct the new incarnation of Wilson is once again in my possession. I’ll try not to kick you so high this time my good friend.

As for my trip out with OH; it went much better today. I was very stressed on the ward today so getting out was like breathing for the first time, when you feel like you’re drowning. We didn’t stay long with each other but the time we did have was relaxed and nice. I am missing Little man though; which is a really good sign.

I’m much calmer now and my mood has lifted.

Loopy x.

58. My son hates me.

OH has just popped in for a vist and as such we thought it would be a good idea to facetime with little man who’s over with his Granny.  Hiya Daddy! he exclaimed as he came to the phone.  He’s never called me Mum or mummy of anything like that and it shouldn’t upset me, but it does.

Little man is doing so well with his gulladuff grandparents at the moment that I know he’d be o.k if I left him now.  I’m no good for him, and I feel like he hates me. He’s not even 2 yet but he doesn’t show me the same enthuasism that he seems to show Daddy, and I think that’s because he doesn’t like me very much.

Feeling quite suicidal right now.  Definately feeling the urge to self harm. I should really speak to someone.

Loopy x.

53. Horrible mother

it’s nearly 12am and my head is racing. I’ve had my meds but still my head is full of thoughts.  It’s been an odd day by all accounts.  I’ve had multiple photographs of my little man sent to me today from Granny C and with every ping I thought, jeez not another one. I looked at them all, and could see a beautiful little boy enjoying himself but i felt nothing.  I don’t miss him right now and that scares the hell out me.  It felt like getting photographs of a freinds child; you look but aren’t really bothered.

Staff in here often ask about him; “will he in today?, who’s looking after hum?, I bet you miss him etc”.  I am a truely horrible mother.  I feel the guilt though, that mum guilt that eats away at you when you think you should be doing better. I want to look after him, raise him surrounded by love and encouragment, but right now I can barely be in the same room as him.  It’s the weirdest feeling and I don’t like it.  He seems so happy and content without me.

And there’s that thought again; if i just killed myself now it would be easier on him.  He would never have really known me.

Loopy x.

45. Obs’

So what are obs’?  Well obs’ in here are really how often staff check on you to make sure you’re not doing something self destructive.  I’ve just had a chat with our nurse; a big step for me.  Why did I do it?  I did it because today I feel extremely low, the same feelings I had 4 weeks ago when I OD’d.  I can’t really put into words those feelings but as we chatted, she commented that I need to survive if not for myself then for my family (I’m badly paraphrasing).

The trouble is those words meant nothing to me.  I do off course think about the repercussions my suicide would have, but today (and I know this is selfish), I do not care. My desire to leave this world is greater than my guilt for those left behind. I off course think of my son. These past few weeks have taught me though, that he would be very well loved and looked after in my absence.  He deserves more than what I can give.

I’m in a little protected bubble in this place, not the same level of stressors or responsibilities or societal expectations, that I’ll have once again when I leave.

I’m a horrible person.

Loopy x.

12. Do I hate my son?

Today has been a more positive day for me in many ways. I guess the start of it, was that I actually managed to share some of my inner thoughts and fears with a member of staff this morning. Today, I said for the first time out loud, those words that no mother should ever utter; I hate my son!.  The truth I guess is that it’s not so much that I hate him, but that I hate the person I’ve become since having him.  I’ve become someone who is utterly useless at everything I do.  I spend hours at work procrastinating, either from exhaustion or from the mere fact that my head has become so much busier since I’ve had my boy.

I wanted him so badly.  I had my first miscarriage during my PhD.  I never knew I wanted to be a mum so badly until it was cruelly taken away from me just a few weeks into gestation.  Tow more miscarriages would follow, each one more devastating than the last.  We had fertility tests, I had a diagnostic laparoscopy, we were then going on the waiting list for IVF.  Whilst all this was happening I applied for a new job, accepted it and then boom, immediately found out I was pregnant.  The joy is indescribable, as is the fear of telling my new boss, but what did that matter really, I was pregnant and this time it was meant to be.

On the 18th of Dec 2016 I gave birth to the most beautiful little boy you could ever imagine.  The labour was quite traumatic ending in a ventouse delivery, but he was perfect, at least for the first couple of days. Then all of a sudden, and I hate saying this, but I began to be terrified of the life I had now created for myself.  I’d lie awake at night listening for his breathing, petrified of cot death.  I’d try daily to get him to latch on so that I could feed him as nature intended, but he couldn’t.  I’d grow tired of his crying and I’m not sure when exactly this happened but I soon began going through the motions of motherhood, not really feeling that this little guy was mine, or that he loved me.  For 14 weeks I hated my existence, and I spoke to a GP, but it was brushed off as baby blues.  Given my past, I knew this was a little more than baby blues but I never went back.

Then one morning at 14 weeks old the clouds lifted, the resentment faded and I began to fell the love that every mother should for their child.  Every little milestone, giggles, rolling, following objects etc made me burst with pride.  It was what I imagined motherhood would be, full of love and laughter.

But then in August, I went back to work and I think that’s probably when this downward spiral reignited.

If you’re a mum and your trying your best, then believe me, you are the best mother in the world.

Loopy x.