432. It’s not just me……..

I’m not the only one in this house who suffers from depression. This past few years, I’ve probably made things all about me. I’ve been the one in and out of hospital. I’ve been the one who cries, complains off stress, anxiety and unstable moods. I’ve been the one under the care of a community team (well I used to be.. I couldn’t call it “care” over here).

The reality, one that I’ve known for some time is that it’s not just me who suffers. OH has struggled too since the arrival of little man. OH is always tired, distant and short tempered. His mood affects mine, and more worryingly our moods affect little man. OH snaps and swears and withdraws. He exhibits most off my symptoms.

It’s not fair on him, it’s not fair on me and it’s not fair on little man.

I’ve been selfish, but if we’re to survive as a family, it’s time we addressed the elephant in the room.

Loopy x

413. The best medicine.

I’m a mum, I’m a good mum, no actually I’m a great mum!!! I need to be kinder to myself. 

COVID had been horrendous for many reasons but for me the isolation and lockdown with my beautiful, funny, cheeky, boisterous little man, has shown me I can do this.  I love him and he loves me too. 

Just take each day as it comes and tackle one thing at a time.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Loopy x

411. Officially discharged

I’ve been out on leave for the past 4 days, but today I was officially discharged.  It’s weird, but this always comes with a little sadness on my part.  I think you get so used to being wrapped in a 24/7 blanket of care, that leaving it makes you feel vulnerable and a little alone. 
The staff were generally great.  They wouldn’t usually tolerate patients who behaved as I did.  Any self harm over here gets you shipped immediately to a PICU, but covid stopped that, and they managed me as best they could.  They even took my wardrobe, the actual furniture away. 

I now have a clearer picture on what my priorities must be. 

1. Get help for my PND.
2. Get help for my eating issues and drug use, although since leave I have reduced my zopiclone down to 7.5mg only. 
3. Seek support or at least clarification regarding my BPD traits.
4 Learn to like myself again and accept my emotions in a more positive way.

You can only tackle these one at a time Loopy, but you can do it!!

Loopy x

369. Dear family….

DISCLAIMER… Sorry readers, this ones rather sweary…..

Dear Family, Shut the fuck up, and fuck the fuck off!!!!!!!!!

My mental state is deeply routed in the constant judgement, and opinions that I’m subjected to.

“Oh he’s definitely autistic, sure you know what’s he’s like….. Why are you being so defensive!… you need to get him assessed.  You know he’s going to need support.  Sure he’s so odd.  There’s definitely something wrong with him.” .. Thanks for that dear sister, now fuck off….

“Sure you know there’s nothing wrong with him… Sure how would he not be odd, sure you and Daddy are odd a fuck.  Do ya know what he needs, a good slap once in a while. Sure he’s spoiled!! Yas have him ruined”…… Thanks for that dear mother, now fuck off!!!!

“Oh I’m not sure about that school, they’re very small. If he needs any help sure it’ll take years. Our J sent his children to HF. It’s a great wee school. You should apply there…..Thanks for that dear mother in law, now fuck off!!!!!!!

All I want, even just once, is for someone to tell me; “actually you’re doing a good job”  “he’s a credit to you both”

Not in my family….
Loopy x

291. Potty training!!!

My little man asked to go Pee pee at the weekend. He’s been following Granda alot and has become interested.

Today we’ve set up his potty, stripped his bottom bare and now we’re running after him with paper towels at the ready.

We’ve had several puddles on the floor, but he definitely does like his new potty (the built in flush sound is a hit)

Watch this space. I’ll post what I’ve learned from the experience if this go is successful. We really haven’t a clue what we’re doing. I’ve only ever trained puppies. Little people are a whole other prospect.

Loopy x

255. The impossible question.

Do you have a plan to end your life?

I’ve lost it, completely lost it. My capacity to function with some sense of normality, has gone. I felt sorry for my CPN today. I was her last appointment, and it wasn’t a “yes everything is great, you can go home early kind of chat” Did I mention that I’ve lost it?

I could see her rapidly calculating risk, going through the “toolkit” of mental health evaluations. Do we need to call 999, or will she last until tomorrow?

And then I was asked, that question that always seems so bizarre to me. Answer wrong and I’d be shipped off to somewhere “safe”.

Off course I’ve thought about it. Imagined my red long sleeve t-shirt, knotted tight! around my neck. I’ve played it over and over and over, in my mind. I’ve pictured the scene that would await, police, or paramedics, or worse OH and my beautiful little boy. I’ve thought about, the logistics, off flying me home. The anger over delays, and paperwork, that would draw out an already difficult time.

Right now I’m staring at my clothes iron. Hair straighteners aren’t working anymore. I can’t get any relief. Would a larger more intense burn help?

I answered the question correctly. She left, which is partly what I wanted her to do. The other part, wanted a hug. A tight, body stabilising, “you’ve got this! hug.

Loopy x.

242. Chickenpox!

Nursery had an outbreak a few weeks ago. I’ve been watching little man closely, and this weekend; BOOM!

The spots are literally erupting before my eyes. We could really be doing without this right now. I’m going to have to take time off work. I’m not in any position to asking for time off, given my recent episodes.

Little man is grumpy. Indeed I would be too. I’ve had them as a child, but oh dear, tonight I’m feeling rather itchy.

Let’s hope it’s just a psychological reaction to having pox in our house. My immune system is probably already working overdrive. Can it cope with chicken pox?

Loopy x.

222. Kick me when I’m down

“You should think about going down to 50% until September” Those where the words that spilled from my boss’s mouth this morning, during a meeting that I had to request, in order to discuss how I’m doing on my phased return.

They stung! You’re no good to me now Loopy, you can’t handle anything and it’s costing us too much, is what I heard. All I needed was a supportive, “you can do this” but instead the last remaining shred of optimism for my future was ripped away.

I’m a burden, I’m incompetent and I’m very nearly done.

Tonight’s little sleeping pills are the same brand as those I used in August. It’s the first time a pharmacy has dispensed the same kind, in all these months. It’s a coincidence that they arrived today, on a day when I want to consume them all. I don’t have enough though, so I’ll just have to settle for a slightly comatosed sleep.

I have no capacity for stress, no tolerance for the all to familiar stares from other commuters, no cut off valves, when my face decides to spontaneously leak and no hope that this will ever change.

I wish I could see my old CPN. She’d know how to make me feel a little better. God I wish she’d come back…..

Loopy x

194. The 3 B’s

Today my downward spiral continues. It’s a day that needs to end. I’ve binged, I’ve biked and I’ve burned.

I slept in, slightly comatosed from last night’s sleep aid. I rushed little man out the door to nursery, and when I arrived home, I made a cuppa and sat with my thoughts.

I wanted to leave little man at nursery indefinitely, and actually dreaded picking him up this evening. I’m no good for him, and sometimes, I think I hate him, or is it the life I now lead since his arrival?

I’ve shoved chocolate bars, cereal bars, real butter smothered scones, bananas, crisps, yogurts, sweets, and anything else edible in my possession, into my face; as if preparing for a winter hibernation.

I off course felt grotesque, and this feeling forced me to go and pump some pedals. Upon returning home I binged some more, fueling further disgust.

Two fingers down my throat expelled some off this disgust, and straightening irons held firmly against my arm expelled some more, and brought me temporary calm.

Now though, with some hours remaining before bedtime, my arm is in agony, my jaws are crying out for more junk food and my legs, (already fatigued from overdoing things lately) are jittery as my head is telling me, I need to pedal some more.

Loopy x

189. I’m done.

My little man is currently screaming the house down. Going home has completely messed up his night time routine.

I can’t hack it. If I go into that room, I’ll smack him, so I’ve sent OH up.

I swear I’m done. I’m no good for him, or anyone else. I’m done! I’m so fucking done!!!!

Loopy x