189. I’m done.

My little man is currently screaming the house down. Going home has completely messed up his night time routine.

I can’t hack it. If I go into that room, I’ll smack him, so I’ve sent OH up.

I swear I’m done. I’m no good for him, or anyone else. I’m done! I’m so fucking done!!!!

Loopy x

122. Bumps in the road.

I guess I should have expected this.  It’s two steps forward and one step back.  I’ve found today quite challenging.  At 8.00 am little crying sounds penetrated my eardrums; “Please go back to sleep, please please please!”

I really didn’t want to get up today and If I’d had the choice, I would have stayed cocooned in my duvet. With the Little man though, I have no choice. He stirred for a little while and by 9 am, I was up and preparing his breakfast.  I didn’t have the energy today.  It may be a coincidence but often when I’m low, Little man is more difficult. Off course this is partly explained by my inability to cope with normal day to day behaviours, but  sometimes I think he is attuned to my inner demons and when they rise, his quickly follow suit. He tested me today, and I guess I should be thankful that we both survived.

OH arrived home from work around 1. I found him tiresome. As I’ve mentioned before, he is in need of help himself.  We negatively bounce of each other, on days like this.  There is a general feeling of malaise. I tried to persuade him to hit the gym.  I’ve tried everyday since my hospital discharge, and everyday he finds a reason to decline.

I’ve also had trouble organising my medication since leaving hospital. Several phonecalls to the ward, my GP and my CPN have quite frankly stressed me out.  I was finally able to pick up the script this afternoon, only to find, that I’ve been given enough for 7 days.  Only 7 days! I guess when you try to overdose; GP’s become a little more cautious, but the thought of battling against the receptionists and the locums again next week, is enough to send me into a cold sweat.

I’m tired now, really tired, but if the past few nights are anything to go by; it will be a few hours yet before sleep finds me.

On a brighter note; I’m seeing my psychologist tomorrow, who I’m very fond off.

Loopy x.

101. Little Man

Today only one thing is occupying my thoughts; My little man.  I’m going to see him tomorrow for the first time in around 4 weeks and I should be feeling excited but my heart is filled with dread.

What kind of mother fears seeing her own child?  I’m worried that he won’t come to me, that he’ll have forgotten me or worst still that I won’t be able to tolerate his company. This is the first time seeing him, since my family reaffirmed my ASD suspicions.  My mother had his hair cut in a style I do not like and he has changed so much since I last saw him.

He’s a proper little heart breaker though; blond hair, chubby cheeks and a cheeky little face. How do I stop myself looking for symptoms and just enjoy the company of my beatiful little boy?

How will I cope if he has one of those tantrums that he often threw on our commute to work?

I’m consumed with guilt for abandoning him this past few weeks and for not missing him this past few days.

Tomorrow is a big day.

Loopy x.

80. Too much noise.

I can’t tolerate it, music is on loud, lots of patients are chatting over each other. One in particualr is being overly loud and obnoxious.  There are too many noises to cope with.  It’s too much traffic.  I could scream!!!!

I can’t tolerate lots of different noises going on.

Loopy x.