Or I just can’t live full stop…….
We’ve been home now for a couple of days. When I say home, I actually mean with OH’s parents in their house. This is where we’re moving to, in a matter of weeks, in an attempt to get more support, ease the pressure on us, and ultimately to create a better life for us all.
Here’s the problem though, I HATE IT… I don’t know how I’m going to live here. I don’t know how to feel at home, or just feel at ease.
I HATE IT. I’m desparate to get back to our own little house, where I can hide away and not have to interact with people. I’m desperate to be alone.
I’m struggling with little man, and I’m angry that OH appears to be exhausted and tired all the time. I thought his role as a prison officer was to blame, but nope it’s Little man.
Neither of us are any good at this. I’m unable to sleep again. I’m craving pills and I’m fat as all hell.
I was shocked to be honest, when I picked up my new meds. I saw a psychiatrist today, and whilst increasing my venlafaxine, she added propranolol. Why was I shocked? I now have boxes of the stuff, over a grams worth. A potentially lethal dose.
I asked her how to stop the zopiclone. Her response; go cold turkey!! She won’t prescribe me more than 5 days worth at 7 mg. Which is really two days worth given my recent consumption. The goal posts have moved. My regular psych was more understanding on this front. My CPN has even said, maybe now is not the time. Do they not share notes?
My current cocktail is;
Venlafaxine 150mg am, 75mg pm. Quietiapine 100mg am, 200 mg pm. Mirtazapine 45mg pm. Propranolol 20 mg am and 20 pm.
I also have a little stash of zopicline, all prescribed, but not yet touched.
It’s too many pills. I wish someone would mind them for me. I’m too impulsive right now.
OH and little man are home. OH is working tomorrow. I have a day of house viewings (potential buyers) and a toddler caught in the grips of the terrible two’s.
Today, I phoned for my blood test results. I had a full work up. The voice on the line said; “yes they’re all normal”
I don’t understand. I don’t believe her. I want to see the numbers and rhe the eeferenxe ranges. I don’t know how this is possible. I was sure they’d indicate some physcal deficiency. I’d hoped for it. Something we could “treat” to make me feel better.
Most people would be thrilled to get the all clear. I’m devastated.
I don’t understand…….
Is it all in my head?
Last night at the gym, I hit play on my “insane” playlist. These were the tunes that I had listened to daily whilst confined to a psych ward.
As I pumped hard on the cross trainer my mind travelled back to that place and honestly I longed to be there again. Just for a night or two, just to get a break from reality and life. Just to be surrounded with amazing support staff and nurses who care and listen, and nurture.
There are some I’d love to chat with again, some I need to tell me off, and others I just want back in my life.
I can see why people, go in and out. I can understand the desires to self harm sufficiently to be ‘re-incarcerated.” I can understand why in lieu of a proper suicide attempt, it could be tempting. It could be one more try at finding the help you need.
Just a few nights to escape, to force me to give up sleeping pills, to ban me from self harming and comfort me while I do.
Not going to happen though
I left work an hour early. I had errands to run. I needed to swing by a pharmacy (20 mins each way) , pick up my newly serviced bike, and be back in time to pick little man up from nursery.
But then…….. what a flipping Muppet, I missed my train stop! I’d gone 3 stops past before I noticed!!!!! This pretty much sums up my head off late. I’m just not functioming properly.
Now I’m home alone with a very grumpy toddler. It’s just us, this weekend. OH has had to fly home to see his Dad before a big heart op next week.
I’m not sure I’m going to cope. Physically I’m not feeling great, and mentally, I’m quite unstable.
On the bright side, my bike feels like new.
I’ve gone back too soon. I’m fragile and teary, and they’re piling too much on me. It’s too fast!
I can’t prep for practicals and lectures, and moderate modules and mark scientific reports
It’s too much to plan, to organise and prioritise. My threshold for stress appears quite low. How do I tell my boss to hit the brakes? How is my career ever going to survive this?
Myself and OH also had a family therapy assessment today before I went to work. I have no optimism in this regard. I can’t be fixed, nor can I speak freely in front of OH. The damage is too ingrained.
There’s too much stuff in my head, too many spinning plates. I’ve phoned and asked for more PRN, until then, I guess I just need to keeping breathing.
I’ve burned and I want to binge. I must not eat, I MUST NOT EAT!!