What really happens in somones head?
Admission to a psych hospital and beyond; my personal depression experience.
I’ve just had email confirmation that my prescription was approved and I’ll receive my first Saxenda pen tomorrow.
Hopefully I can manage to inject myself. Hopefully the side effects are tolerable.
Hopefully I’ll lose some weight.
You need to get active too Loopy!
Loopy x
It’s official, I’m the fattest I’ve ever been. I’m honestly disgusting. When I lay on my side, I can feel a cushion of squidgy horribleness where my hip bones used to be.
I know why this has happened, a combinatiin of binging, lack of excercise and poor diet has culminated in grotesque lipid deposits, eveeywhere!!! Orlistat can’t compesate for this.
I need to hit the gym! I need to hit it now!!
Loopy x
I need help. My daily zopiclone usage is back to 15mg and rising. I’m craving the knock out effect. I’m craving the mind fog and slowed thoughts. When I’m alert at night, my mind races. It attacks me. It tells me I’m ugly, and stupid and useless. It tells me I’ll fail.
So I pop a zopiclone, which then rises to 2, and to 3, and to 4. I’ve been here before. How do I stop??
Added to this, is my daily ritual of throwing up my dinner. If it weren’t for the smell, I’d also do lunch, but I can’t easily purge at work. I hate my gut and yet the pounds keep creeping on. The scales register heavier and heavier. So I puke, but it has no effect.
How do I stop?
I wish someone would help me.
Loopy x
I love flumps. I’ve enjoyed them since childhood. Today however, flumps are proving quite troublesome. For those of you unsure, flumps are marshmallow logs, that are bloomin delicious.
I enjoy them immensely but like many sweet treats, soon after consumption, the guilt and self loathing sets in.
I’m purging again. I need to, I’m grotesque. If you’re suffering from disordered eating and purging, I have a word of warning for you…..
Flumps FLOAT!!!!!!!, making them very difficult to flush 😦
Loopy x
Let’s be honest. There is no such thing as a harmless purge. My scientific brain is screaming; tooth decay!! vocal chord damage!! throat sores!! bloating!! digestive problems!! bad, bad, BAD!!!
But then I look in the mirror. I see fat and buldges, and yuck! I remember all the calories I’ve binged on. I’m ugly, I’m ugly, I’m UGLY!!!!
Now my mouth is dry and sore.
Loopy x
This one’s a bit gross………
So it’s day 4 of orlistat use. It has certainly kicked in. If you’re ever tempted to try it, or you’re prescribed it; be warned!!
If your diet contains alot of fat (like mine as it turns out), your poop will be orange!!! Not some kind off; hmmm is it brown, is it red? No it’s bright frigging orange!!!!
I’m determined to lose weight. I’ve done it before, so I can do it again. I know I shouldn’t be using orlistat, I know I should address my diet, I know there are healthier ways to do this. But right now I’m proud of thus evenings walk, this evenings cycle and dare I say it; my orange poop.
Loopy x
I’ve not yet touched the laxatives in my bedroom drawer. I want to, but my scientific brain, with its knowledge of gut physiology is arguing against me.
I’m struggling however, and the purging is becoming more frequent. I’ve settled on an alternative approach as my title suggests.
Orlistat is essentially a fat blocker that inhibits gastric and pancreatic lipases (the little suckers that break down fats into an absorbable form) thus preventing the absorption of fats. I’ve just ordered some through the usual unscrupulous online pharmacies.
The side effects (predominantly gas and oily stools) may prove intolerable. I need to lose weight though, I’m grotesque.
Loopy x
I’m exhausted, physically exhausted. It’s inexplicable really, or maybe it’s just a come down now that we are officially home.
In truth it doesn’t feel much like home to me. It feels claustrophobic, feels like I’m being scrutinised and just overall feels a little uncomfortable. OH’s family are lovely but I need my own space. I’ve not yet secured employment so for now we’re stuck.
I’m getting frustrated at my lack off alone time. I need to burn but I can’t get any space to do it. There’s always someone around, and it’s causing me to feel more tense.
I’m also sporting a marvellous blubbery rubbery mess around my midsection that Michelin or Bridgestone would be proud off. I wonder if I dug out some grooves for grip, would it be more efficient now to tip me on my side and just roll me to my destinations!
Loopy x
Thanks for that little question sis. I couldn’t believe it as those words poured from her lips. She’s knows I’m on a list of meds as long as my arm and hence would not be getting pregnant. She knows that I’m self conscious about my weight. Surely she knows better…
Well at least those words have confirmed what I already know; I’m a fat ugly mess!!!
I want to burn deep tonight. I want to swallow sleeping pills, not to die, but to dull my racing thoughts and self hatred.
I want to hit the gym!
Loopy x
Fat and happy. I can’t find happiness though, beneath the rolls of fat.
I’m back in my own house again, and have been to the gym. I really needed those exercise induced endorphins today. I’ve been crashing.
No amount of exercise can combat this horrible weight gain though. I feel grotesque and really want to stop my meds. My head is full of conflict. It’s a familiar feeling but an unwelcome one. I’m beginning to fear food. I’m calorie counting and I’m stressed.
Loopy x
What really happens in somones head? 