Tag: one day at a time

487. The anomaly scan

Today was our big 20 week scan. These are always a bit nerve wracking, more so today than with my first. I think I had talked myself into the notion that something must be wrong. After all the stuff I’ve been up to, and with depression and meds etc, I was just worried. I’ve also not been feeling any movements which I certainly should be by now, given it’s a 2nd baby.

Well the first thing we saw was a very active little baba, punching away and kicking, and pouting. It is certainly moving. Then we did the usual; heart, head, kidneys, spine etc and I’m happy to report that all looks as it should. What a weight lifted!!

Now the big reveal…………………………………….

It’s a boy!!

Mum and sis are just a little disappointed, but I’m delighted to be honest. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m far from a girly girl, more content with footballs, tools and nerf guns!!

Another little man, 🙂

Loopy x

486. A night off meds.

I’m home, I’m coping (outwardly anyway) and my little man has completely showered me with hugs and kisses and spontaneous outburst of; “my love you mammy”. Little man has been frigging wonderful, a true tonic for my sadness and doubts. His bond is real, and strong and full of love. I must be doing something right after all…

Baba though, oh you little bugger!! I have to say the growing bump, the regular scans and the family excitement is finally bringing me a little joy. Some hope, some excitement and dare I say it, some confidence.

The sickness though, jeez will it ever go away.? O.k it has lessened but last night I projectile vomited just before bed. Unfortunately that included my nighttime meds. Wow what a massive impact that had! I couldn’t sleep and when I did dose I’d immediately wake up with terrors. Very random, very scary dreams. Even OH confirmed I’d been swearing. As for my mood, it plummeted, and has stayed very low all day. I’ve been in bed, I’ve been crying and for the first time since leaving hospital, I’ve felt suicidal.

How scary is that? How can one missed dose of nighttime meds have such a devastating impact or was it just coincidence? Whatever, I’m glad this day is done.

To end on a positive note, I had a frigging excellent psychologist in hospital and his work has stuck with me, more than any other. I can hear him (not I) challenging my negative thoughts or at least prompting me to. To be honest I kinda wish I had recorded him :), but anyway….

Loopy be proud, you got up today, dressed and fed little man, showered him with love and walked him to school. You really really wanted to self harm, but you fought it and resisted, and finally you rang a friend to check how she keeping (even though she didn’t answer), and you know you’ll ring again.

Little steps Loopy, little steps…..

Loopy x

484. Being discharged

Well folks, that’s another hospital admission over. I’ve been in here for 6 weeks. It’s time to go home.

I’m filled with the usual terror and uncertainty that’s always accompanied these situations. How will I cope? Can I ever properly change things? How do I move forward in a positive way?

My intense crisis has passed though and some hope has returned which itself will sustain me for a while. Come on Loopy, you’ve got this!!

There’s a baby on the way. It’s hard to see it now, but this IS a good thing.

Loopy x

446. Face to face again.

I’m a lecturer in case you’ve not been a long time follower. I’m a socially anxious, highly self conscious, paranoid being, but I took up this profession when my confidence was high. It’s odd really, walking into the room, I’ll feel a thousand eyes on me, my body will be trembling, and then I’ll do my little routine. Log in to the pc, take a sip off water as I stroll around my “stage” all non chalant. I’ll gaze at the crowd as if I’m counting them, but I’m not really.

Then boom; “ok folks we’ll make a start” it’s my usual opener, and something odd happens. My work persona kicks in and I act my ass off. I act confident and knowledgeable, I act professional and calm. I’ll field questions with a smile and speak happily with those odd few who always stay behind to probe further. I’ll get through it, and once done, I’ll take a huge breath and steady myself, for real this time. A cup of tea will be needed.

Tomorrow’s a short module intro talk, but I’ve not been in front off a crowd like this since March. Tonight I’m feeling grotesquely fat, ugly all over, and paranoid they’ll quickly realise I’m a mess. Time to hit the gym hard again. Time to up my Orlistat.

Thank goodness most of my teaching this year is remote. Just get through tomorrow loopy.

Let’s get some sleep, 15mg tonight I think, you’ve an early star

Loopy x

435 A 2nd attempt.

If at first, you don’t succeed, try try again!!

I’ve mentioned in previous posts, that I’ve taken a shine to building stuff. My first attempt at a dog house was not toooooo bad, but I had roof pitch problems and gappy joints.

I took it apart, and made little mans mud kitchen.

My 2nd attempt however, well now, it would seem I have a head for this. This ones not complete yet, but it’s sturdy, safe, and dare I say it; “sellable”

Some corner trim, finish off the cladding, add the plywood roof and felt and boom!

Not too shabby!

Loopy x

431. Loopy’s Lodge

It’s taking shape. I’ve never in my life built anything from wood, so despite the somewhat wonky roof, I’m rather proud of this. I’ve been at it all day today. It’s kept me focused on something, and is proving to be a great distraction.

I need all the distractions I can get. I had my psychology assessment this week. They rang me back quickly after, saying that I needed 1 to 1 therapy. Here’s the kicker though… the waiting list is apparently 9 months from now.

I’ve been home a year. All my notes and treatment reccomdations came with me. Yet I wasn’t actually referred until about 4 weeks ago. I’m seriously considering launching an official complaint. No wonder suicide is so devastatingly common here……………………

Just keep building loopy!

Loopy x

428. A 100 Km…480 to go….

I’ve just passed the 100km mark [104.64 km to be exact] on the cycle challenge, I set at work. It’s me vs Dr. E. She’s as competitive as I am, which is great. It’s keeping me motivated.

I’m proud of myself, and I’ll keep going. 480km to go!!!

Loopy x

413. The best medicine.

I’m a mum, I’m a good mum, no actually I’m a great mum!!! I need to be kinder to myself. 

COVID had been horrendous for many reasons but for me the isolation and lockdown with my beautiful, funny, cheeky, boisterous little man, has shown me I can do this.  I love him and he loves me too. 

Just take each day as it comes and tackle one thing at a time.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Loopy x

225. Small victories.

I survived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And this evening I’m feeling a little stronger.  O.K I did not pull off todays practical with a swagger, but nor did I limp helplessly through it.  There were definetly some head scratching moments as my explanations caused some students more confusion than clarity, and some of their rebutals made my head spin but ultimately I was able to remain relatively calm, relatively composed and most importantly adequatly competent to get us all through the session.  Today was the closest I’ve felt to the old work Dr. Loopy.  I was in control of 3 demonstrators and 60 odd students and it didn’t reduce me to the aticipated crumbling mess that I was after last Thursdays prac.

I am not firing on all cylinders just yet, but I have more hope today that i will get there. This evening I played with little man as OH went boxing.  I then went to the gym upon OH’s return home. About an hour of solid cardio, a quick shower and tonight I’ve spent about another hour and a half preparing for my next big test.

Friday will see me stand, once again in a lecture hall, faced with a wall of students.It’s on the cardiovascular system, pretty apt really, as my heart will certainly be thumping? Tonight i finalised the slides: tomorrow I shall finalise my script.

I’m exhausted now, time for bed.

Loopy x.

202. Occupational Health Review.

Well it’s official, I’m going back to work. It took some lies and half truths, but the doc eventually agreed it will be good for me.

I’ve read his report;;” I recommend that Dr. Loopy is completely supernumarery for the first couple off weeks” This makes me feel a bit pathetic. I can return but not be entrusted with anything. I can return but treat me delicately or I might crack.

I’m at the stage where I do need to go back. Financially we can’t struggle on any longer and I need another reason to get up in the morning.

I’m scared though; absolutely petrified that I’ll crumble again. I’ve not recovered to quite the extend I would have hoped for by now.

I guess I’ll never truly know how I’ll cope until I try. So tomorrow I shall phone my boss and set the wheels in motion.

Loopy x