435 A 2nd attempt.

If at first, you don’t succeed, try try again!!

I’ve mentioned in previous posts, that I’ve taken a shine to building stuff. My first attempt at a dog house was not toooooo bad, but I had roof pitch problems and gappy joints.

I took it apart, and made little mans mud kitchen.

My 2nd attempt however, well now, it would seem I have a head for this. This ones not complete yet, but it’s sturdy, safe, and dare I say it; “sellable”

Some corner trim, finish off the cladding, add the plywood roof and felt and boom!

Not too shabby!

Loopy x

414.Work probation.

I’ve only gone and done it!! I’ve passed my probation period at work and have been confirmed in post despite my recent absence.

I’m in shock, I’m thankful and oh my god, I’m so relieved. Apparently I’ve proven I can do the job, and I’ve hit all my probation objectives.

A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

My boss knows of my llness (depression) and gave the green light anyway. I could seriously hug him!

Be proud today loopy, and you know what, go on buy that new bike you want.

Loopy x

359. It’s Christmas!!!

Well almost anyway. I’m now off for my Christmas break!!!

Tomorrow my little man turns the big 3. I can’t believe it. I’m glad that I’m alive for him.

Cuddles and pressies and cake all round tomorrow.

Loopy x

358. Wearing many hats.

I’m actually a little proud of myself. This week, was a big one at work. We had panel meetings and curriculum scrutiny, and through it all I remained calm, somewhat competent and dare I say: confident.

I was pulled in as course co-ordinator, module co-ordinator, learning and teaching committee member, disability advisor and all round jack of all trades.

Today was the final day of term, AND I SURVIVED!! This morning I marked presentations, sorted exams, and then spent the afternoon laughing, joking and Christmas quizzing with my wonderful new colleagues. I’m now slightly tipsy on mulled wine, but I don’t think that’s the sole cause of my optimism.

Well done Loopy, seriously well done!!

Loopy x

330. Welcomed with open arms.

I feel almost whole again. I attribute far too much self worth to my career, but oh my word, I’m happy to be back at work.

I’ve just completed day two off my new job, and the staff could not have been any friendlier. I feel instantly at home, which is a huge relief.

The pressure will start to kick in next week when the students arrive. I will quickly assume senior level responsibilities but I’m hopeful that I’ll cope.

Loopy x

279. The interview!

Today was D day. At 2.20 I recieved the Skype call, and was faced with a panel of 5! I was grilled!!!

I’ve come away exhausted, sure I haven’t got it, but I’m not deflated. I’ve done incredibly well to do this, the day after discharge from a psych hospital. It has given me courage to apply again.

You did well loopy. Be proud of yourself no matter the outcome.

Loopy

214. It was boss!!

Today for the first time ever, I got to spend time with S, outside the confines of a hospital visiting area. Today was the first time, we both basked in freedom, drank mochas and laughed from the pit of our bellies. She has not yet been discharged, but her progress has been such that she is allowed accompanied leave. In her words; “It was boss!!”

She continues to inspire me, and although those days in a psych ward were some of my darkest, they brought me a friendship that was unexpected, and a friend who makes me stronger.

Loopy x.

117. Clarity of vision and leg rasies.

Despite struggling to get out of bed this morning, today has actually been a slightly more upbeat day. Another tick on my road to better mental health, was having my eyes tested today. I’ve been having headaches for months and I think it is down to eye strain.  My vision is 6/38.  Basically what the average person can see from 38 metres away, I can only see within 6 metres away.  Pretty poor really but for the first time in my life; there was a noticable difference with lenses. I can’t see any more lines on the chart but with lenses the letters became a little sharper.  So I’ve purchased glasses, with reactions lenses to help filter light and glare treatment to ease the strain when viewing computer screens. Hopefully this will be a positive move.  I’m also going to ask my GP for an opthalmologist referral so that I can be fully evaluated and properly registered in this country.

My little man also filled me with joy today.  He’s grown up so much whilst I’ve been away.  Now he loves to wrestle, be tossed around, be michievious and just generally play. I’ve enjoyed his company today which is a massive leap forward.  I’m also a little less concerned now about ASD, having spent much more time with him.  He certainly has his quirks and I want to get him reviewed but I’m more optimistic that he’s actually going to be fine.

On a different note, my slightly eleavated mood has given me the push to try the “Bring Sally Up” challenge.  This was mentioned to me; by my stalker (an excellant support worker) whilst I was still an inpatient.  Look it up if you don’t know what I’m talking about.  I’d never heard of it either.

It’s one of those workouts that looks so simple but……………

I tried it first with push ups; EPIC FAIL!! (I’ve always been terrible at push ups)

I then did it with leg raises, and I could certainly feel it. I will continue with the leg raises for a while until my core is stronger. It’s a great little challenge though as you can do it with most excercises (sit ups, squats, planks, free weights etc etc).  It will only take around 3 minutes out of your day, and you get a decent work out.

I’m glad I’m ending today more upbeat and optimistic. Tomorrow will be my first day at home alone all day with Little man.  I’ve been dreading it since discharge but tonight it doesn’t seem so scary.

Keep it up Loopy.

Loopy x.

 

110. 31%!!!!!!!!!

31%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!; That’s a scary number when it relates to your body fat mass. I had my gym induction today and I swear I could hear my organs weeping under all that fat. My visceral fat has definitely increased since my hospital admission but oh dear lord!!! Then I’m told my BMI is 23. This is the highest my BMI has ever been (I like to stay around 20). O.k lets be honest BMI is a pretty useless measure but when you combine it with such a high body fat percentage, lets face it, I’m on the fast track to cardiovascular disease.

It’s not exactly what you want to hear, when you’re already feeling rather vulnerable but I guess my life needs to be goal orientated this next few months, so lets add that one to the list. By Christmas my BMI will be back to around 21 and my body fat will be in the mid 20’s. On the bright side, despite the devastating news for my arteries, the gym did boost my mood a little.

I will however miss the hospital gym, as I had it all to myself, but more importantly I could wear whatever I wanted without shame.  The scars on my arms didn’t much matter in that environment. I almost forgot myself today, and only just rememberd to pull on a long sleeve T-Shirt when I clocked myself in the mirror, just before leaving the house.  I hate these scars just a little more now that I’ve been released but I shouldn’t.  They are my battle scars and despite their ugly appearance they served an important purpose, and in a weird way played a role in my recovery.  Let’s just try not to create any more.

You’re out now Loopy. Make and keep those goals and you WILL start to feel better.

You’ve got this!!

Loopy x.

107. Fresh air in my lungs!

Alot has happened today and I have begun to tick important things off my list in the search for better mental health.  I’ve had my brows and lashes tinted, booked a haircut, deleted work email from my phone and joined our local gym.

The day didn’t get off to the best start, with me forgetting to take my morning meds (oops, although I remembered around lunch time.) and then my CPN not showing up when I was expecting her (it was maybe because I’ve not been officially discharged yet, or also highly likely that I’ve mixed up the times).  Both little events left me feeling low. I’ve realised that I’m still very depressed and everything takes huge effort.

I did however decide to brave town today (I figured with the rain it may be a little quieter). I felt a little anxious and uneasy on the train surrounded by glaring eyes again, however a little debit card abuse (new clothes for little man as he has grown so much during my absence) cheered me up a little.

When I got home, I forced myself to go out on my bike (who’s name is Ariel by the way).  I need to shift this quetiapine weight!!!. For the first time in what seems like forever I could feel the sea breeze on my face and the freshest of air in my lungs. It definitely beats the tobacco stench of the psychiatric hospital yard.

I must promise to myself that I will continue to cycle. It was gusty and extremely difficult to pedal against the breeze (and my legs are still aching from bashing Wilson everyday) but it was also the tonic for my mental health that I needed today.  Coming back to the house I felt uplifted, more positive than I had been this morning, and more determined than ever to be discharged officially tomorrow.

Loopy x.

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