279. The interview!

Today was D day. At 2.20 I recieved the Skype call, and was faced with a panel of 5! I was grilled!!!

I’ve come away exhausted, sure I haven’t got it, but I’m not deflated. I’ve done incredibly well to do this, the day after discharge from a psych hospital. It has given me courage to apply again.

You did well loopy. Be proud of yourself no matter the outcome.

Loopy

214. It was boss!!

Today for the first time ever, I got to spend time with S, outside the confines of a hospital visiting area. Today was the first time, we both basked in freedom, drank mochas and laughed from the pit of our bellies. She has not yet been discharged, but her progress has been such that she is allowed accompanied leave. In her words; “It was boss!!”

She continues to inspire me, and although those days in a psych ward were some of my darkest, they brought me a friendship that was unexpected, and a friend who makes me stronger.

Loopy x.

117. Clarity of vision and leg rasies.

Despite struggling to get out of bed this morning, today has actually been a slightly more upbeat day. Another tick on my road to better mental health, was having my eyes tested today. I’ve been having headaches for months and I think it is down to eye strain.  My vision is 6/38.  Basically what the average person can see from 38 metres away, I can only see within 6 metres away.  Pretty poor really but for the first time in my life; there was a noticable difference with lenses. I can’t see any more lines on the chart but with lenses the letters became a little sharper.  So I’ve purchased glasses, with reactions lenses to help filter light and glare treatment to ease the strain when viewing computer screens. Hopefully this will be a positive move.  I’m also going to ask my GP for an opthalmologist referral so that I can be fully evaluated and properly registered in this country.

My little man also filled me with joy today.  He’s grown up so much whilst I’ve been away.  Now he loves to wrestle, be tossed around, be michievious and just generally play. I’ve enjoyed his company today which is a massive leap forward.  I’m also a little less concerned now about ASD, having spent much more time with him.  He certainly has his quirks and I want to get him reviewed but I’m more optimistic that he’s actually going to be fine.

On a different note, my slightly eleavated mood has given me the push to try the “Bring Sally Up” challenge.  This was mentioned to me; by my stalker (an excellant support worker) whilst I was still an inpatient.  Look it up if you don’t know what I’m talking about.  I’d never heard of it either.

It’s one of those workouts that looks so simple but……………

I tried it first with push ups; EPIC FAIL!! (I’ve always been terrible at push ups)

I then did it with leg raises, and I could certainly feel it. I will continue with the leg raises for a while until my core is stronger. It’s a great little challenge though as you can do it with most excercises (sit ups, squats, planks, free weights etc etc).  It will only take around 3 minutes out of your day, and you get a decent work out.

I’m glad I’m ending today more upbeat and optimistic. Tomorrow will be my first day at home alone all day with Little man.  I’ve been dreading it since discharge but tonight it doesn’t seem so scary.

Keep it up Loopy.

Loopy x.

 

110. 31%!!!!!!!!!

31%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!; That’s a scary number when it relates to your body fat mass. I had my gym induction today and I swear I could hear my organs weeping under all that fat. My visceral fat has definitely increased since my hospital admission but oh dear lord!!! Then I’m told my BMI is 23. This is the highest my BMI has ever been (I like to stay around 20). O.k lets be honest BMI is a pretty useless measure but when you combine it with such a high body fat percentage, lets face it, I’m on the fast track to cardiovascular disease.

It’s not exactly what you want to hear, when you’re already feeling rather vulnerable but I guess my life needs to be goal orientated this next few months, so lets add that one to the list. By Christmas my BMI will be back to around 21 and my body fat will be in the mid 20’s. On the bright side, despite the devastating news for my arteries, the gym did boost my mood a little.

I will however miss the hospital gym, as I had it all to myself, but more importantly I could wear whatever I wanted without shame.  The scars on my arms didn’t much matter in that environment. I almost forgot myself today, and only just rememberd to pull on a long sleeve T-Shirt when I clocked myself in the mirror, just before leaving the house.  I hate these scars just a little more now that I’ve been released but I shouldn’t.  They are my battle scars and despite their ugly appearance they served an important purpose, and in a weird way played a role in my recovery.  Let’s just try not to create any more.

You’re out now Loopy. Make and keep those goals and you WILL start to feel better.

You’ve got this!!

Loopy x.

107. Fresh air in my lungs!

Alot has happened today and I have begun to tick important things off my list in the search for better mental health.  I’ve had my brows and lashes tinted, booked a haircut, deleted work email from my phone and joined our local gym.

The day didn’t get off to the best start, with me forgetting to take my morning meds (oops, although I remembered around lunch time.) and then my CPN not showing up when I was expecting her (it was maybe because I’ve not been officially discharged yet, or also highly likely that I’ve mixed up the times).  Both little events left me feeling low. I’ve realised that I’m still very depressed and everything takes huge effort.

I did however decide to brave town today (I figured with the rain it may be a little quieter). I felt a little anxious and uneasy on the train surrounded by glaring eyes again, however a little debit card abuse (new clothes for little man as he has grown so much during my absence) cheered me up a little.

When I got home, I forced myself to go out on my bike (who’s name is Ariel by the way).  I need to shift this quetiapine weight!!!. For the first time in what seems like forever I could feel the sea breeze on my face and the freshest of air in my lungs. It definitely beats the tobacco stench of the psychiatric hospital yard.

I must promise to myself that I will continue to cycle. It was gusty and extremely difficult to pedal against the breeze (and my legs are still aching from bashing Wilson everyday) but it was also the tonic for my mental health that I needed today.  Coming back to the house I felt uplifted, more positive than I had been this morning, and more determined than ever to be discharged officially tomorrow.

Loopy x.

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105. Brutally honest.

This is it, my final blog post from within the confines of a psychiatric hosptial (all being well the next two nights whilst on overnight leave). Today as I sat at my kitchen table with OH, the words of a fantastic staff member rung in my ears; “if you don’t tell him, then you’ll be back here in a couple of months as a revolving door patient, you have to tell him!”.

Today I was brutally honest and poured my heart out to OH. It feels cruel to me now but I told him the true effects, on me, of his lack of engagment in our relationship.  I wept as I explained that a future with no changes will kill me.

He did his usual silenct act, but he did listen.  He told me he would make an effort, he assured me he would work on things. Tomorrow by the time I get home, OH should have made a GP appointment for himself.  I’m hopeful that he’ll have done so.

I’m clinging onto hope right now, it’s all I have to help me brave the real world again.  I’m still terrifed of leaving the safety of these walls and all the fantastic staff that perservered with me and opened me up.

I’ll miss them all terribly.  The one who let me punch her (gloves and pads), made my days more bearable and eased my suffering.  The one who stalked me (and opened me up alittle) made me feel safe and cared for. The one who instinctively knew when to lock my room, made me feel secure and less ashamed of my behaviours.  The one who made our beds, and told me to shower made me feel more human, and nurtured.  The 3 youngest ones made me laugh, and smile and appreciate the genuine goodness in people. The organiser of all activites gave purpose to our days and showed true human kindness when I first arrived. The “fabulous darling” made me feel less inadequate as a mother and more empowered as a person going forward.

The ones I’ll probably miss most off all are the two (Cunts, you need to know the Matalan context) who perservered with me, showed me genuine empathy, gradually chipped away my outer shell, made me laugh when my days were grey, made me smile when my soul was sad, and made me realise that it’s o.k to put yourself first from time to time.  No one in my life has ever talked to me, been as patient with me, showed me as much emapthy and imparted life experience to me in the ways that these two women did.  They’ll never know the true impact they have had on me.

I’ll also genuinely miss the fantastic nurses, who are constantly pestered, pulled in several directions, abused, shouted at and undervalued.  Their jobs are incredibly difficult yet they all do it with kindness, empathy and caring ears. I’ve had several really good chats with them, and each and every one showed me genuine kindness and support.  I certainly couldn’t do their jobs.

Every single person on that ward is amazing, and I will remember those people who saw me at my lowest and showered me with non judgemental care for the rest of my life.

So I guess this is it, tomorrow is the beginning of a new life for me.  One where I will put my needs first, where I will reach out for help when I am struggling and I will do everything I can to get back on track and become dare I say it; happy again.  I will shower my son and OH with love and begin to show myself the same compassion that I show to others.  Tomorrow is Day 1 of my journey to wellness.

Wish me luck everyone.

Loopy x.