222. Kick me when I’m down

“You should think about going down to 50% until September” Those where the words that spilled from my boss’s mouth this morning, during a meeting that I had to request, in order to discuss how I’m doing on my phased return.

They stung! You’re no good to me now Loopy, you can’t handle anything and it’s costing us too much, is what I heard. All I needed was a supportive, “you can do this” but instead the last remaining shred of optimism for my future was ripped away.

I’m a burden, I’m incompetent and I’m very nearly done.

Tonight’s little sleeping pills are the same brand as those I used in August. It’s the first time a pharmacy has dispensed the same kind, in all these months. It’s a coincidence that they arrived today, on a day when I want to consume them all. I don’t have enough though, so I’ll just have to settle for a slightly comatosed sleep.

I have no capacity for stress, no tolerance for the all to familiar stares from other commuters, no cut off valves, when my face decides to spontaneously leak and no hope that this will ever change.

I wish I could see my old CPN. She’d know how to make me feel a little better. God I wish she’d come back…..

Loopy x

198. Call of Duty.

What are you going to do, to distract yourself?; it’s a question that i’m often asked. It’s relentless and exhausting!! Activity after activity after activity, all so that I’m not alone with my thoughts.

Today I dusted off our PS4 and whipped out Call of Duty. Psychologically speaking, sitting all day in front of our telly shooting machine guns is maybe not the healthiest. As a distraction however; it worked for a while. My eyes are tired now though, and I’m stuck on a level that’s frustrating me.

There’s a few more hours yet to kill before bed. What will I do now?

There are pills on my kitchen window sill and a dressing gown cord that I’ve been eyeing up lately in my bedroom. Half my head is shouting, just do it, DO IT NOW! The other half is reaching out for hope; YOU WONT ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS.

I am sooo tired……and scared……and alone……..

I was given yet another dosage increase today. A schedule of two antidepressants, a mood stabiliser, sleeping aids, 16 sessions of psychology, once weekly supportive chats………….and none of it’s working. My arms are raw and sore (and stink!), my stomach is rumbling since I expelled this evenings dinner, and I’m feeling defeated.

Loopy x.

196. Not coping.

God this day needs to end. I’m home alone and I don’t do so good alone.

I can’t keep doing this. The binging, the purging, the self hatred and the relentless scheduling of activities to fill my day. My head is so fuzzy and I’m so tired.

I need to knock myself out for a while, so sweet dreams people.

I honestly don’t care if tomorrow never comes. It will come though, and this hamster wheel will continue to spin.

Loopy x

180. Too many pills.

I need them, (to see me through the Christmas period) but now I find myself with too many pills. I’m googling OD effects, LD50’s and suicide successes. I’m thinking, now’s the time to consume them all!!!!

My thoughts are swaying to and fro; life or death. A shit life, or decades of decay in cold moist soil. A shit life, or broken families and a damaged child.

But then I’m damaging him. If I stay I’ll break him. If I go I’ll break him.

Can someone please fix me.

Loopy x

172. Trapped.

I feel stuck in a life I no longer wish to live. It’s harder now to take the leap. I know now that little man loves me. Is it selfish to leave him now, or kinder because he’s young and won’t remember?

It turns out that my father in law, needs a quadruple bypass. I’d be an awful person to put our families through anymore.

I’m just back from the gym but it hasn’t helped.

I’m trapped!!!

Loopy x

167. I just want to sleep.

My head is racing. Everything in my being is screaming at me to hurt myself. It’s not that I want to die, as such. I just want to sleep for a while. A deep undisturbed slumber, where I have no thoughts, worries or responsibilities.

I’ve tried everything today to distract myself. It was not a good time for pyschok8gy to cancel on me.

I almost bought alcohol this evening. I browsed through every wine bottle, eventually snapping out of it and opting for hot chocolate instead. I need the wine for courage.

I can hear my CPN’s gentle voice in my head; “Come on Loopy, what are you going to do this evening to ground yourself?”

“OK audible, it’s a date. I’ll run the bath, you light the candles……”

Loopy x

1. Italy or A&E?

I’m not much of a blogger.  I’m a thinker……..An overthinker!!!! My thoughts consume me daily, so it’s time to set them free.

Let’s start at the beginning.  It’s an absolutely stunning day in Italy.  A perfect day for a family wedding.  You could even say that happiness and love fill the air.  Not my air though, i chose not to go.  I’ve got reasons why I chose to stay in Liverpool alone which i may get to in future blogs but for now, all you need to know is that it’s Friday August 3rd 2018, 20.53 pm (according to my phone history anyway, I don’t remember much) and I’m dialing 999.

Call hander; “Is the patient breathing?

Me: Yes, but I’ve taken an overdose!

it’s all abit hazy from then on, but my phone records indicate that they had to call me back 4 times.  The signal in our house is terrible so I’m not surprised.  Oour conversation ended at 21.12 pm, the moment the paramedics arrived on scene.  I vaguely remeber being ushered into and ambulance, my next door neighbour standing outside wathcing and then nothing…………………………………………………….

But I’m still here.  Ready to slowly share my story, so bear with me.  It may take a little time.

You are awesome

Loopy x.

woman standing on mountain during dayttime
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