387. Monday.

I have a work thing after work on Monday. I’m staying in a hotel after.

I think it’s time now, time to put an end to all this. I think, I’m just broken and I can’t be fixed.

I’m pale and ugly and useless. I’m out off control. I’m a drug addict. I’m stressed, I’m lonely, I’m horrible to live with, I’m done.

I know OH and little man love me. I know I have friends and family who care. I know this is selfish, and devastating and cruel……….but I can’t go on like this. I need it all to stop. I need to take control…. I love them too, and god I hope they’ll be ok.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,

Monday……..

Loopy x

385. Another change.

I’d just told N on the phone the other day; “I’m just getting used to you”
N is my current CPN/care co-ordinator and now she’s preggers!!

I had a bit of a meltdown today and she was brilliant.  It takes me a while to get used to people, to open up, and I was just finally getting comfortable with N. 

In fairness, she’ll be a fabulous mum, but sigh…..I don’t want another change.

Today at my psych review I was offered more pills….more frigging pills!! I shall now have additional quietiapine (25mg) to take as needed during the day.  It feels like a futile gesture.  The psychiatrist just didn’t know what to do with me.  He had to offer something I guess.

So now my daily regimen will be;
Quietiapine 300 mg, venlafaxine 75 mg, mirtazapine 30 mg, quietiapine 25 mg when I feel I need it, zopiclone 22.5 mg and hmmmm, orlistat 120 mg any time I’m feeling fat and guilty over eating (so quite regular).

What an absolute mess!!!

On a slightly different note, I’m considering going to a depression support group. It’s about the only thing I can access outside work hours.

They want to keep people in work, living normal lives, but all the care operates 9-5. Very VERY annoying.

Loopy x

351. In the bus station.

Talking about your zopiclone addiction with a GP is never easy. Trying to do it over the phone in a busy bus station, certainly made it tougher. I wish they’d called me earlier.

So this week my CPN called my GP to discuss my reliance on sleeping pills. He promptly suggested 7.5mg for 1 week and then 3.75mg for a week, then stop. She agreed, not knowing my current usage. She agreed, having no real clue, what’s going on with me. I pretty promptly had to call them direct.

Hence the akward phonecall. A lovely GP called me, and we agreed a more realustuc plan. But she insisted I come in, whuch has been arranged for next week, with a not so lovely GP. I’m dreading it.

For now, Im getting 7.5mg and 3.75ng daily, dispensed every 2 days.

The change in regulations, governing online pharmacies in the UK is a good thing. But my addicted brain, is screaming at me to find a drug dealer. I’m not ready to taper off. I’m not ready to give them up.

Loopy x

348. How do I stop?

I need help. My daily zopiclone usage is back to 15mg and rising. I’m craving the knock out effect. I’m craving the mind fog and slowed thoughts. When I’m alert at night, my mind races. It attacks me. It tells me I’m ugly, and stupid and useless. It tells me I’ll fail.

So I pop a zopiclone, which then rises to 2, and to 3, and to 4. I’ve been here before. How do I stop??

Added to this, is my daily ritual of throwing up my dinner. If it weren’t for the smell, I’d also do lunch, but I can’t easily purge at work. I hate my gut and yet the pounds keep creeping on. The scales register heavier and heavier. So I puke, but it has no effect.

How do I stop?

I wish someone would help me.

Loopy x

273. I could have died.

I’ve been quite stupid lately. 7 days ago, I ran out if this place with gusto. I don’t remember the specifics, but I gobbed down pills, and woke up in the critical care ward of a local hospital.

I aspirated and had seizures. Psycholgically, I have been through the ringer!! Right now, I’m back on my psych ward, still longing to be moved to the better unit.

Loopy x

258. Propranolol.

I was shocked to be honest, when I picked up my new meds. I saw a psychiatrist today, and whilst increasing my venlafaxine, she added propranolol. Why was I shocked? I now have boxes of the stuff, over a grams worth. A potentially lethal dose.

I asked her how to stop the zopiclone. Her response; go cold turkey!! She won’t prescribe me more than 5 days worth at 7 mg. Which is really two days worth given my recent consumption. The goal posts have moved. My regular psych was more understanding on this front. My CPN has even said, maybe now is not the time. Do they not share notes?

My current cocktail is;

Venlafaxine 150mg am, 75mg pm. Quietiapine 100mg am, 200 mg pm. Mirtazapine 45mg pm. Propranolol 20 mg am and 20 pm.

I also have a little stash of zopicline, all prescribed, but not yet touched.

It’s too many pills. I wish someone would mind them for me. I’m too impulsive right now.

OH and little man are home. OH is working tomorrow. I have a day of house viewings (potential buyers) and a toddler caught in the grips of the terrible two’s.

Loopy x

222. Kick me when I’m down

“You should think about going down to 50% until September” Those where the words that spilled from my boss’s mouth this morning, during a meeting that I had to request, in order to discuss how I’m doing on my phased return.

They stung! You’re no good to me now Loopy, you can’t handle anything and it’s costing us too much, is what I heard. All I needed was a supportive, “you can do this” but instead the last remaining shred of optimism for my future was ripped away.

I’m a burden, I’m incompetent and I’m very nearly done.

Tonight’s little sleeping pills are the same brand as those I used in August. It’s the first time a pharmacy has dispensed the same kind, in all these months. It’s a coincidence that they arrived today, on a day when I want to consume them all. I don’t have enough though, so I’ll just have to settle for a slightly comatosed sleep.

I have no capacity for stress, no tolerance for the all to familiar stares from other commuters, no cut off valves, when my face decides to spontaneously leak and no hope that this will ever change.

I wish I could see my old CPN. She’d know how to make me feel a little better. God I wish she’d come back…..

Loopy x