469. Morning sickness

And lunchtime, and dinner time and evening sickness.

It’s a good sign for my little bump, but oh god I feel horrid and I know there’s worse to come.

I don’t want to feel sick anymore, except I kind off also do. It means hormone levels are rising, it’s a good thing Loopy!

My cousin who is just a little younger than me had a miscarriage this week. I know how that feels, and I know she’s devastated.

Don’t complain about the nausea Loopy, be thankful

In other news our family social worker has left her post and didn’t even bother telling us. I think that’s pretty shitty to be honest. She has moved on to greater things, I’ve been told. Some people are truly excellent in these types of roles (I know I’ve met some outstanding individuals over the years) but others really should piss off and do something else.

Loopy x

466. A bit emotional

I feel like I could burst into tears. I don’t know how to feel.

I’m in shock, I’m scared and a little annoyed at myself for not feeling happier.

3 tests done now, and they’re all positive. I think I need a good cry to be honest.

1. What if I miscarry again? I couldn’t handle that!

2 What if I don’t miscarry, and actually have another baby? I couldn’t handle that!

3 What if my bad habits have already done irreparable damage? What if my meds are causing abnormalities right as I’m writing this? I couldn’t handle that?

4. What about a birth? Oh my god, not doing that again!!!! No no no NO NO!

5. What if this is all just too much? 

Breathe Loopy !

Loopy x

Loopy x

460. Happy New Year

I know for many that this year has been really tough. I know that loneliness and isolation have taken there toll.

I’m thankful though, for Covid Not for the illness or for lives tragically lost . I’m thankful for the opportunities it gave me. I’m thankful for my extra time with little man. Time that strengthened our relationship and bond. Time that built my confidence with him.

I’m thankful for the working from home. It enabled me to cope, to function just enough to fulfill my role. No commuting pressure, shorter days, and the ability to just hide away.

As I ring in 2021, I’m lying here with my little man beside me. I love him, and he loves me.

Don’t be scared off 2021 loopy, just be thankful.

Happy new year everybody. Stay safe and if you can, just for a moment, be thankful.

Loopy x

449. Diazepam is safe.

I know myself well enough now, to know that it’s not good when my head goes to these places. Diazepam is safe, frustratingly safe. I know this, because I’ve been searching. Frantically trawling for the LD50’s (a dose that would be lethal for 50% of the people who take it).

I’ve been searching as my get out plan. I’ve been searching because I have tonnes of the stuff in my drawer. I’ve been searching because I feel odd. I feel incapable of ever ditching my zopiclone dependence. The
Temapezam is giving me night terrors and awful headaches. Tomorrow I will be begging to have my zopiclone back.

Work is getting done, but very slowly and I can feel the pressure squeezing in on me. I’m forgetting loads. My head is just not retaining stuff. Names that I should know, escape me. Tasks that I should do, get forgotten. Meetings that i should attend pop up in reminders 3 days after the event. “Oh crap, I’ve missed another one!!

Little man is doing well, but that’s in spite off me, not because of any good parenting on my part. Take him away OH, just take him away.

So yeah, Diazepam is safe. Huge amounts can leave no serious ill effects, if caught. Diazepam is safe

Unless you combine it with alcohol………………..

Loopy x

438. I hate them…

I HATE them, I hate them, I hate them, I HATE THEM!!!!!

Today OH and I drove for hours to finally select the stone we’ll be facing our little house with.

Phoned my Dad, a little excited…

“Jeez I don’t like it!!, you’re not putting that on are ya? That’s the stuff I saw, all rough and not nice”

Sums up my family dynamic really.

I HATE THEM!!!

Loopy x

Ps here’s the stone

432. It’s not just me……..

I’m not the only one in this house who suffers from depression. This past few years, I’ve probably made things all about me. I’ve been the one in and out of hospital. I’ve been the one who cries, complains off stress, anxiety and unstable moods. I’ve been the one under the care of a community team (well I used to be.. I couldn’t call it “care” over here).

The reality, one that I’ve known for some time is that it’s not just me who suffers. OH has struggled too since the arrival of little man. OH is always tired, distant and short tempered. His mood affects mine, and more worryingly our moods affect little man. OH snaps and swears and withdraws. He exhibits most off my symptoms.

It’s not fair on him, it’s not fair on me and it’s not fair on little man.

I’ve been selfish, but if we’re to survive as a family, it’s time we addressed the elephant in the room.

Loopy x

359. It’s Christmas!!!

Well almost anyway. I’m now off for my Christmas break!!!

Tomorrow my little man turns the big 3. I can’t believe it. I’m glad that I’m alive for him.

Cuddles and pressies and cake all round tomorrow.

Loopy x

346. A disappointing Halloween.

I’d bought a costume. I had good intentions, but then OH was working, and I get home quite late. I don’t drive, and grandparents never thought to offer.

Little man didn’t get to be a pirate. He didn’t get to binge on goodies, see fireworks or help daddy carve a pumpkin.

I feel really bad. I feel disappointed for him, and for myself.

Maybe next year. I must do better.

Loopy x

322. Clingy…

This time last year, I genuinely feared that my son hated me. One year on and I have a total anaconda on my hands!

Teeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!; I hear bellowing relentlessly around the house. I hope he always calls me Tee.

He clutches to my leg and wraps himself around me, he demands that only I take him for his pee pees and ony I will do at bedtime. There is no doubt that he loves me, no doubt that he sees me as his protector and play mate, but oh my word; it’s exhausting!!!!

I assume this clingy phase will pass.

Loopy x

298. Stand offs.

We’re in the throws of the terrible two’s. Little man has my temper, coupled with OH’s stubberness. This makes for an explosive cocktail!

We’ve been good so far on the united parenting front. When we say no, we mean no!!! Little man is certainly testing the boundaries; throwing himself on the floor, squealing and shrieking like something possessed and ultimately testing my patience to it’s limits.

We’ve been good though, no raised voices or shouting. We just calmly stand our grand, which is a huge departure from how I was raised. A quick slap was the tool of choice during my upbringing. Not excessively by any means but used nonetheless.

Psychology has helped myself and OH to map out our own path on the family front, not conforming to our own parents ideals. Its not as easy as it sounds.

Loopy x