I had done it. I had landed a premium position at a Russell group university. It was my dream job. I had worked so hard to get to that point and now……..
Now I’m probably throwing it all away. Now I can see no better options but to relinquish this positiin and head, tail between my legs for home.
I simply couldn’t cope. This morning I tied a sheet around my neck and flopped head thumping to the floor. It wasn’t tight enough, and staff found me.
I want to do it again, tighter this time… I want someone to take my angst away. I want to feel like less of a failure. I want to die.
I really don’t know how to continue living.
Nor do I know what to type here. Blogging is usually cathartic, but when I can’t find the words, it frustrates me.
Today, I’ve shipped little man off to nursery, and I’ve returned to bed. Today I’ve binged and burned. Today I’m feeling weak and hopeless.
Today I want to die. I don’t have any strength left, and I’m missing L. She just somehow always managed to soothe me.
I need her back. I can’t bring myself to call my newest CPN for help.
And anyway, I’m beyond help.
I couldn’t sleep, that part was true. I’m totally dependant on pills now. Audio books and zopiclone are the perfect combination, but without the zopiclone (or a prescribed alternatuve) my eyes remain open and my thoughts attack me.
“Did you do anything?” asked a caring NHS voice this morning. “No” I replied but in truth yesterday I was a little self destructive. I once again put straightening irons against my skin, until the flesh was white and leathery. The edges blistered immediately and now I’m dealing with the aftermath. I don’t really know why I did it.
In the evening myself and OH treated ourselves to a “Subway”; the chicken teriyaki on Italian herb and cheeses went down easily. Then the guilt took hold and I followed the ritual of drinking tea (to fill my gut with liquid), sneaking off to the bathroom, expelling some of the guilt, and washing my hands and around my mouth thoroughly with soap.
I don’t know why I lied this morning. I guess I felt like the truth would let him down. The truth would label me attention seeking. The truth would prove that I’m pathetic.