269. Restless legs.

My foot has been tapping relentlessly this past few days. I could give Michael Flatley a run for his money.

When I try to restrict it/ hold it still, a wave of tension moves through my whole body causing me to clench and squeeze my limbs awkwardly. People keep telling me it’s anxiety, but I don’t believe it is. I blame my pills.

They won’t give me any PRN at all. It’s incredibly frustrating and making me want to burn, to take the edge off.

Loopy x

227. Finding my swagger.

I was good last night, I didn’t frantically try to cram notes into my head, I opted for the gym instead.

This morning I could feel the anxiety rising, but I flicked through my slides only once. I kept telling myself, you’ll be fine, you can do. By lunchtime my heart was thumping!!! I took a lorazepam. The lecture started at 1.

293 expectant faces glared at me, whilst I battled with the AV equipment.

A couple of finger taps on Mic to shuss them;”good afternoon everyone!!! I am Dr……. and today we’re going to talk about the heart”. By the first slide transition, there it was, I noticed my open stance, my strut out from behind the lectern; I’d found my swagger!!!!

An IT glitch a few slides in didn’t phase me, stunned silence when I asked them questions didn’t phase me, I had the nerve to probe, I was in control.

Now I will be clear that this was first year level stuff, and this is not a solid predictor of how subsequent more taxing classes will go. I should also say that this particular cohort had just the right mix of respect, broavdo, humour, and swots to allow the session to flow. They were a nice bunch.

I’m attributing some of calmness to the PRN, and I guess a non rushed prep which was afforded to me because I’m on a phased return.

That being said, I did well today, and it has brought some confidence.

Loopy x

217. Snowballing.

I’ve gone back too soon. I’m fragile and teary, and they’re piling too much on me. It’s too fast!

I can’t prep for practicals and lectures, and moderate modules and mark scientific reports

It’s too much to plan, to organise and prioritise. My threshold for stress appears quite low. How do I tell my boss to hit the brakes? How is my career ever going to survive this?

Myself and OH also had a family therapy assessment today before I went to work. I have no optimism in this regard. I can’t be fixed, nor can I speak freely in front of OH. The damage is too ingrained.

There’s too much stuff in my head, too many spinning plates. I’ve phoned and asked for more PRN, until then, I guess I just need to keeping breathing.

I’ve burned and I want to binge. I must not eat, I MUST NOT EAT!!

Loopy x

87. Ripping off the band aid.

Today I had family leave.  Today was the day to rip off the band aid and return home.  Back to the sitting room and kitchen where around 6 weeks ago, I sat and wrote a suicide note, left out bowels of food and water for my dog, and consumed several packets of sleeping tablets.  I knew it would be difficult.

It felt odd being back there.  I was calm whilst there, made small talk with OH, drank tea, put the telly on and petted my dog. I held back my emotions whilst with OH but now that I’ve returned to the sanctuary of the ward, I’m struggling to process it all.

I can remember that day, and now, on one hand I feel tremedous guilt for almost putting OH and little man through all that, and on the other hand returning to some sort off normal life seems like an unsomountable mountain.

We face timed with litttle man whilst I was there and Granny has had his hair cut.  He looks completely different; all grown up.  I feel like I’m missing it all and there’s that terrible mother shame again. I also feel like our bond may be irreparable. I do love him though.  I just want the best for him and I don’t think having me as a mother is best.

I’ve put them all through so much already that I feel like a huge burden and It would be easier for everyone if I wasn’t around. I can tell OH is stressed.  Indeed I can tell both of our families are stressed, and it’s all my fault.

I’ve asked for PRN, and I’ve calmed alittle.

I guess tomorrow is another day, and I see my physcologist tomorrow.

Loopy x.