412. It’s caught me off guard.

I’ve chomped my nails, down to the stumps, I’ve binged and purged.  I’ve burned and tonight for the first time since discharge, I want to knock myself out with zopiclone and diazepam, both of which I have in my possession (not loads)

I can’t explain it but a huge wave of sadness, hopelessness, self doubts and self destructive urges have hit me hard this evening…

And so the cycle begins again……………

Loopy x 

411. Officially discharged

I’ve been out on leave for the past 4 days, but today I was officially discharged.  It’s weird, but this always comes with a little sadness on my part.  I think you get so used to being wrapped in a 24/7 blanket of care, that leaving it makes you feel vulnerable and a little alone. 
The staff were generally great.  They wouldn’t usually tolerate patients who behaved as I did.  Any self harm over here gets you shipped immediately to a PICU, but covid stopped that, and they managed me as best they could.  They even took my wardrobe, the actual furniture away. 

I now have a clearer picture on what my priorities must be. 

1. Get help for my PND.
2. Get help for my eating issues and drug use, although since leave I have reduced my zopiclone down to 7.5mg only. 
3. Seek support or at least clarification regarding my BPD traits.
4 Learn to like myself again and accept my emotions in a more positive way.

You can only tackle these one at a time Loopy, but you can do it!!

Loopy x

408. Home again

6 weeks on a psych ward and pretty much zero improvement.  I’m out on leave until Tuesday and then I’ll be discharged. 

Basically we all recognised that the stay was off no benefit, and without being allowed to burn, my use of ligatures just escalated. 

So I’m back home, on a ridiculous regimen of meds, and little hope going forward.  How do I get help here? How do I get better? How on earth will I cope when little man comes home from granny’s on Sunday.


I am happy to be back in my own bed though, with no restrictions and OH’s arms wrapped tightly around me.

Loopy x

407. An unhelpful stay.

I’ve been in hospital.now for just over 5 weeks, and I feel no better now than the day I came in.
I’ve made no progress, learned nothing new about myself and I have no hope that I will ever live content. 

COVID 19 hasn’t helped.  No visitors, no occupational therapy, no on ward activities..nothing…

The ward sister has called me ridiculous very loudly and with venum in her tone on the few occasions that I’ve ligatured, and not once has she asked if I’m ok.

The nurses generally are nice, but limited in what they can do. 

I do occasionally play with an old battered wilson (see pic), but the yard is tiny and the nurses don’t endure the noise for very long.

This stay isn’t like the others   The levels of empathy and encourgment are much lower than my last two stays.

I’m lost, and I need out.

Loopy x

406. I wet the bed.

Absolutely mortified at 4.00am this morning.  I woke up.soaked, and confused.  I was a bed wetter for many years as a child, but at 34 it feels so much more shameful.

The nurses and auxiliaries quickly changed my bedding, and were kind and non chalant.

I however feel humiliated

Loopy x

405. Hello buddy.

I’m still on a psych ward. I’m still feeling suicidal and I’m still struggling with facing up to all my little demons.

Covid 19 has been tough on me, with no visits allowed.  I’ve not held or played with little man in weeks.  I feel so guilty for dumping him again.  I feel so scared about mapping out a future that will not damage him.  Some days I doubt my love foe him.  Some days I want to give him back, but everyday from in here i face time with hum.

“Hello buddy” 

And I do it because I want him to know I love him, and that I’m trying to be better for him. 

There is a long and difficult path ahead for us as a little family.  It’s one tonight, that I want to run from.  I want to ligature, but no loopy, not tonight.  Fight for your little man.  Fight for what could be fun fullfilling future for you all.

Come on Loopy, no more “setbacks” please.

Loopy x

404. Blue in the face.

Literally….. tonight I hid in our laundry room, tied pj bottoms tight around my neck and I waited.

I waited for the throbbing head, the pulsing in my neck, my closing puffy eyes and unconsciousness. 

I was found, quickly untangled and checked over.  The urge has been building all day.  I had earlier spoken with a nurse and asked her to remove items.

The tipping point though, was dinner after which I felt fat far fat, so puked also losing my lorazepam. Already anxious and tense I rang little man to say good night. 

The call upset me.  He’s changing, growling up and growing used to life without me.  He and OH do well without me.

The path ahead feels monsterouus, and my reserves are low. 

I must stop self destructing. I’m ruining all our lives.

Loopy x