I was promptly shut down again.
It’s been over 2 weeks. 2 weeks off sizing people up. 2 weeks of them all telling me I need to talk more. 2 weeks of nervous silence.
Today I finally picked my confidante. I thought my named nurse would be a sensabke chouce. For a few minutes I poured my heart out. Just a few minutes later I heard; “would you mind going to the other ward loopy?”
Seriously!!!! And worse it poured from the lips of the nurse I’d just confided in.
Bam, slap in the face!!!! Another cruel rejection!
I am so ashamed of how I’m feeling. Everyone is asking me to talk more, but I fear they’ll realise just how horrible I am.
I want to give up. I want to leave little man in ireland, abandon OH, and take no more breaths on this earth.
I’m a quitter, a waste of space and I’ve been experimenting with ligatures.
I’m no good for either of them anyway. Im no good for anyone.
Just do it loopy, end your pain.
I had done it. I had landed a premium position at a Russell group university. It was my dream job. I had worked so hard to get to that point and now……..
Now I’m probably throwing it all away. Now I can see no better options but to relinquish this positiin and head, tail between my legs for home.
I simply couldn’t cope. This morning I tied a sheet around my neck and flopped head thumping to the floor. It wasn’t tight enough, and staff found me.
I want to do it again, tighter this time… I want someone to take my angst away. I want to feel like less of a failure. I want to die.
I really don’t know how to continue living.
Last night at the gym, I hit play on my “insane” playlist. These were the tunes that I had listened to daily whilst confined to a psych ward.
As I pumped hard on the cross trainer my mind travelled back to that place and honestly I longed to be there again. Just for a night or two, just to get a break from reality and life. Just to be surrounded with amazing support staff and nurses who care and listen, and nurture.
There are some I’d love to chat with again, some I need to tell me off, and others I just want back in my life.
I can see why people, go in and out. I can understand the desires to self harm sufficiently to be ‘re-incarcerated.” I can understand why in lieu of a proper suicide attempt, it could be tempting. It could be one more try at finding the help you need.
Just a few nights to escape, to force me to give up sleeping pills, to ban me from self harming and comfort me while I do.
Not going to happen though
I took a lot from the time I spent on a psychiatric ward. I learned that there are amazing people in this world. I was cacooned in a place of safety and warmth (ignoring the odd erratic patient outbursts). I met people who in the face of staff shortages, shit pay, and regular abuse; gave themselves wholly to the caring of others.
They are truly inspirational, but the one who inspires me the most, was my room neighbour, football companion, confidante and the newest member off my treasured friends list.
I went to visit her today; and her smile and progress since my last visit have lifted my spirits this evening. She was moved to a different unit, and it hit her hard, but today I met a girl transformed. A girl with hope and drive to beat her demons. A girl whose battles are greater than mine, but her strength and resolve are remarkable. I’ve told her many times that 2019 will be our year!!! Chatting and laughing with her today has given me some hope, for both off us.
Come on S, we can do this!
Today was quite a momentous day. As documented earlier, I’ve been released from the psychiatric hospital that I called home this past two months. Both my mother and my sister knew I was returning home today.
My sister was quite frankly horrible to me this morning and after abruptly hanging up on me in a rage, I’ve not heard from her since. I’m not calling her, quite frankly I don’t have the strength.
Nor have I had any contact from my mother. She gets home from work at 3 and it’s now 10 pm. They really don’t care do they? I’m feeling totally let down, deflated and alone in all this. This is when the suicidal thoughts creep in the most, when I’m feeling lonely. Time to ask OH for some cuddles.
Tomorrow is another day I guess.
Today I had my last cup of lunchtime soup in the psychiatric hospital. I have officially been discharged. I’m so grateful to my nurse and psychologist for today, because I almost bottled it.
I was teary and terrified before returning to the ward, and I really wanted someone to say: “Just stay a couple more nights”, but these amazing professionals know what they are doing. I needed them to be strong for me today. I needed them to be realistic and hold some optimism on my behalf and that’s exactly what they did for me.
“So are we going for discharge”; asked a lovely psychiatrist (whom I’d met with for the first time today).
“Reluctantly yes”; I mumbled. It was the reassurance from the staff that gave me the strength to say those words, and sitting here now at my kitchen table; watching my little man being mischievious and knowing that I have the support of my OH, I’m so glad they did.
It’s a long road ahead but just take it one step at a time Loopy.