I’m in shock to be honest. I’ve just had a phone call from the occi health department of my new employer.
“The physician had a look at your forms, and is happy to sign you off as fit”
Really? You don’t even want to see me?
I declared my mental ill health on the forms and have been worried, really worried that they’d withdraw my job offer. But no, I’ve been given the all clear.
I intend to pay for private therapy. I intend to book regular massages and other enjoyable treats.
This is my fresh start. Do it right loopy, look after yourself.
I’ve just read my last post, and it’s hard to imagine that’s how I felt just days ago. Switching from utter despair to my present uplifted buoyancy is exhausting, but the good days keep me afloat.
Yesterday was a good day, a great day in fact. I went to meet my new boss, and I had a tour of where I’ll be working. Everyone was so friendly and welcoming. It was really really nice to feel that sense of professional loopy again.
I finished off last night with an endorphin boosting gym session.
I’ve not yet been cleared to start by Occi Health but I’m a little more hopeful.
I’ve just had a shower. It’s a bad sign for sure when you start to pick up on your own “odour” I hadn’t washed in days and no one thought to prompt me.
Today, after an entire day lying and sobbing in bed, I figured “go one loopy, try a shower; it might help”. Although my mood is much the same, there is something pleasantly therapeutic about flushing days of grime down the plughole.
Today both my body and my mind failed me. Each time I tried to rise, they literally crumbled under the sheer weight of life, or at least my perception off it, and all its mysery. I felt a sadness today, that almost drove me to dangerous actions. I felt a level of hoplesness, and indeed still do, that I believe will be my undoing. I want to die. I want to end all these turbulent thoughts once and for all, but I want to do it in such a way, that won’t hurt anyone….
Impossible right? I’m stuck.
I have come to a decision though. If my job offer (a massive part of my identity and sense of “self”) is indeed resinded, I shall kill myself and I shall do it right. .
It will hurt both OH and little man, but ultimately me not being around, would be much better for both of them.
My anxiety levels are through the roof. I’ve been offered my dream job, but I fear it shall be snatched away from me.
The medical questionnaire was very in depth. If I lied too much, I could be easily caught out. I fear I’ve spilled too much. I fear the prejudices and stigma around mental health will come to the fore and rob me off my future.
I can’t bear it. Best case scenario I’m pulled into Occi Health for an assessment. Worse case……..well…………….
If I lose it now, I’ll be more than crushed.
I should have lied!!!
This time last year, I genuinely feared that my son hated me. One year on and I have a total anaconda on my hands!
Teeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!; I hear bellowing relentlessly around the house. I hope he always calls me Tee.
He clutches to my leg and wraps himself around me, he demands that only I take him for his pee pees and ony I will do at bedtime. There is no doubt that he loves me, no doubt that he sees me as his protector and play mate, but oh my word; it’s exhausting!!!!
I assume this clingy phase will pass.
We don’t sleep together much, OH and I. It’s a combination of his low libido and my new found depression induced self hatred and lack of confidence.
I bring it up occasionally, and last Thursday night during pillow talk, I suggested that tonight (saturday) we’d have some scheduled sexy time. The only caveat was that he must make the moves. He agreed.
Tonight we’ve gone to bed a little early. He’s climbed in, turned his back to me and is now spark out. It’s an all too familiar story. It’s one that crushes me every time.
Am I so ugly and undesirable? Am I really that repulsive???
I shall just knock myself out instead.
It has been quite a while now since I’ve held hot irons against my arm, but I could hold it off no longer, and tonight the little sounds created by melting flesh, where my reward. The pain, too, brings a sort of comfort that I still don’t fully understand.
My current meds regimen is as follows;
Venlafaxine am 75mg, quietiapine pm 300mg, mirtazapine pm 30mg, zopiclone (self medicating) pm 7.5mg, orlistat (self medicating) with meals 120mg. I should also be taking propranolol 20 mg twice a day, but I’m not. I’m stock piling, I guess it’s a kind of back up plan. Enough off that and my heart will stop!!!
I need to talk to someone, but there’s no one to listen.