355. I’m happier

When I look back over the year I’ve had, and consider all the mysery, loneliness, isolation, inpatient stays, and stress, I can honestly say that right now; I am happier!!!

I’m happier, I’m happier, I’M HAPPIER!!

Moving home, the family support, the new job and now our new little home has all made me happier.

Little man is also flourishing. He’s happier. He’s growing, he’s talking and he’s frigging beautiful!!!

Maybe this mood is partly due to having breaks from always parenting or working. Maybe it’s due to the lovely folks I work with. Maybe it’s due to the love I feel from OH or the fact that tomorrow night will be my third night in a hotel in the last 6 weeks.

Maybe I’m just a little manic!!!

Loopy x

354. A pleasure to read.

I’m a luttle snowed under with marking at the moment. I have a stack of 2nd year essays, on everyhing from platelet biology, to cervical smeara, to organ and tissue prep for pathology. Basically, its heavy reading.

I get a whole spectrum of work, ranging from “how on earth did you make it this far” to ” oh my god, you write better than most professors”

Marking, as a task, is much like the turbulence of BPD. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out! Long, undulatung, non sensical paragrahs, devoid of punctuation, literally suck the life out of me, and force me to question my life choices.

Fatigue, despair, and hoplessness grab hold and then, just like magic I find a diamond in the rough! A piece of work, that jumps out at mje, that leads me on a journey of discovery and wonder. A piece of work that’s tantilising, eliquent and most importantly, PROPERLY REFERENCED!

In an education sector, where we are systematically removing the space for natural flare, the space for innovatuon and self driven excellance, through the assessment coaching, through transparency of marking rubrics and criteria, and through business driven hand holding, its great to draw the battle lines with a simple scientific essay. Most will fade into insignificance, and few will emerge as heros!

Well done student J!You’ve listened, you’ve learned and you’ve inspired me to fight on, and to lecture another day.

Loooy x

353. A little house.

We’ve been living with my in laws since July. They are lovely people, but, we and they need some space. Yesterday we viewed a little house I’d seen, and we both loved it We get the keys this week.

I’m delighted, but I’m also apprehensive. Living with family has kept me safe. There were times I wanted to binge on pills, tie ligatures,vomit or self harm badly, but having people here, has hindered my freedom.

I’m looking forward to having space, partly because I’m looking forward to being able to indulge in those behaviours. There will be no more rushed burns before bedtime, no more apprehension about being ill, or dopey in front of others, no more silent puking. No more restrictions!!

I know this sounds messed up. But it’s how I feel.

Loopy x

352. Cut the mustard.

This is it Loopy. You have to perform, you have to impress, YOU HAVE TO SMASH IT!!

We have a school review and various curriculum reviews coming up at work. I used to know people in charge of making these things a success. Now as Senior Lecturer, I am that person.

I need to prepare paperwork, I need to know our courses inside out, and when put before the interrogation panels, in a few weeks, I need to impress!

My head is screaming run away!! My head is screaming; ‘you will fail!!”

I’m not good enough. I’m stressed and scared. My prospects, my career and passing my probation depend on this.

I want to burn. I want to down some zopiclone, and I want to hide.

Come in Loopy, you CAN do this!!!

Loopy x

350. Phenergen

You can have phenergen. I don’t want phenergen, I NEED zopiclone.

Regulations around the dispensing of z drugs and hypotics, have clearly tigtened up. i may have had a hand in this, previously having written to the GPhC and ministers.

Sites that allowed frequent orders and large quantitoes with few questiins asked, are now siddenly out of stock, under review, or worse; offering me phenergen imstead.

My logical brain is sayong this is a good thing, but my desperate addicted braon is panicking. I’m screwed!!!

My GP provides me with 3.75 mg daily, which I top up to around 12 or 15mg. I cannot sleep without it. I cannot cope without it. I cannot live without it.

Last night suicide beckoned. It sold me it’s delights. What should I do?

I’m desperate to talk to L or C, but I can’t.

Stop it loopy, you love your little boy. He needs you.

Loopy x

349. Under my desk.

I was unbelieveably tired this morning. I got up at my usual, 5.45am, got ready, and caught my. bus.

I snoozed on the commute as I usually do. It’s not proper sleep, it’s more like drifting in and out of consciousness aftet a few too many boozy beverages.

At my destination, I was still drained, but somehow managed to carry my heavily weighted limbs for the 25 min walk to my office. Once I arrived though, I was done. Physically and emotionally exhausted. I could barely stand, barely hold my head straight, so I did something quite odd.

I locked my door, climbed under my desk, lay on the floor and snoozed. Around 45 minutes later I awoke to the sound of colleagues chatting down the corridor. I was now just slightly more awake, and able to face the day.

I’ve never done that before, but in sheer desperation I just had to lie down.

I’m struggling folks, but no one’s noticing.

Loopy x

348. How do I stop?

I need help. My daily zopiclone usage is back to 15mg and rising. I’m craving the knock out effect. I’m craving the mind fog and slowed thoughts. When I’m alert at night, my mind races. It attacks me. It tells me I’m ugly, and stupid and useless. It tells me I’ll fail.

So I pop a zopiclone, which then rises to 2, and to 3, and to 4. I’ve been here before. How do I stop??

Added to this, is my daily ritual of throwing up my dinner. If it weren’t for the smell, I’d also do lunch, but I can’t easily purge at work. I hate my gut and yet the pounds keep creeping on. The scales register heavier and heavier. So I puke, but it has no effect.

How do I stop?

I wish someone would help me.

Loopy x