65. A broken promise to myself.

I’ve just self harmed.  I’ve had a pretty horrible day to be fair and I’ve botted Wilson once more beyond our walls. Need to order more footballs. This self harm is minor though, it could have been much worse.

My mood today hit (wanted to tie a liguature around my neck) rock bottom.  I crashed big time. Had a panic attack, and just an overwhelming urge to self harm, but to do so badly. I did though seek some help eventually and they did settle me with compassion and drugs.

I’m glad this day is nearly over, but now I’m gutted I broke a promise to myself.

Loopy x.

62. Lots of burning on the ward today.

Today we had to evacuate our ward as someone decided it was a good idea to set a bin on fire. I was pretty lucky I guess, in that I was able to go to a gym on another ward to pass the time.  I get to the gym almost daily now.  I managed to jog 20 mins on the treadmill which for me is a huge achievement.  I can’t run, I’ve never gotten any better at it but today I surprised myself a little.

Today though not even a successful gym session could clear the demons in my head. I battered Wilson off the wall after the gym and still no relief. I’ve self harmed twice today.  Firstly after the chaos of the incident had all settled.  I couldn’t settle my mind. It’s just been a negative day.  My thoughts were racing and I was feeling suicidal.

A visit with OH this afternoon went badly; I was unnecessarily sharp with him and just hard to be around.  Shortly after that I did the 2nd burn; a little deeper this time.  The psychologist summed up why I self harm perfectly today.  It hits a reset button.  It stops the racing thoughts, the self loathing and suicidal impulses; if only for a little while. .

I hate having to ask for a bandage, I feel so ashamed.

Loopy x.

61. Psychology at last.

So from week 1 in here it was pretty much agreed that I would benefit from psychology.  It has taken forever, but today I finally met with one.  It was both brilliant, as I felt comfortable talking with her, and terrible because I’d been feeling low today anyway and once you start talking about stuff it sort of opens up the floodgates.

I told her a little about my PTSD past and a little about how I feel towards my son. That was enough for today. It was draining.  I then went back to my room, head racing and wept pretty uncontrollably for about 20 minutes. I dragged myself to lunch, took it back to my room and wept some more.  I don’t know how I’m ever going to get through all this.  I hate myself, I’m ugly, I’m (technically) disabled, I’m a terrible mother, I suck at my job and I don’t know why,  but all the guilt I felt about that drowning experience (see the blue face post) has resurfaced and it’s showing itself everywhere.

To end on a positive though we have decided compassion focused therapy is the way to go.  At least I feel like there might be some progress.

Loopy x.

60. Dating again.

I couldn’t blog yesterday as our internet in here was down.  It has only just been fixed.  But I wanted to blog to document some progress. I’ve now been granted longer leave with family after my Psych review yesterday.

So myself and OH went out for lunch. Good old Frankie and Benny’s! Some of the awkwardness (that we seem to have been having lately around each other) dissipated, and we were relaxed in each others company.  It was nice.

I did however fell guilty that there was no little man with us.  Guilty because I didn’t miss not having him with us.  Mum guilt is all consuming sometimes.

Loopy x.