316. Pier jumping.

I grew up by the sea. My youth was spent searching rock pools, climbing cliffs and swimming. Lots of swimming!

We were fearless; my cousins and I. Unphased by waves, or currents, or jellyfish!!

During our teenage years, we’d sneak off to secluded beaches to party and drink. We’d frequently huh hum; “borrow” the lifeguards kayaks.

Anyone regularly following will know that a terrible scuba diving accident robbed me of my courage and joy. It robbed me off my love for the sea.

This evening however, I squeezed into a wet suit, cast the flashbacks and apprehension aside; and took my son, my niece and my nephew pier jumping!! Neither can swim, but with new wetsuits and life jackets, and myself to protect them, their courage soon flourished. By the time we left for home, my niece; 8, was leaping with the confidence of a seasoned pro. My nephew; 5, ducked his head under and ventured ever further from the steps, with the odd helping hand from myself. My little man; nearly 3 would frigging leap himself but thankfully he was fearful of the seaweed.

I had fun, and I will certainly be making it a regular activity.

I’m a little proud of myself this evening.

Loopy x

284. Alone again

Today I’m on my own for the first time since my last hospital discharge. OH is away to see our son (who is staying with grabdparenrs) and he has a job interview tomorrow.

I’m flying over on Saturday morning. It will be the first time I’ll see little man since April 3rd.

I’m nervous, more than just nervous and today I’m alone.

Damn it Loopy, turn your head off. Go distract yourself. Do not do anything stupid!!

Loopy x

270. “You’re living my dream”

That simple off the cuff comment from a fellow service user almost reduced me to tears. I felt instantly ashamed of my depression. Instantlyashamed of my inability to cope with my seemingly “perfect” life.

I’ve been told regularly in here that I have more to live for than most.

Sorry guys, I guess mental illness didn’t get the memo. It chose anyway. I didn’t realise it had set criteria.

Loopy x

169. Flashbacks.

I headed off at dusk, light rain in my face, a chill that called for gloves and my headlight dipped. It’s been a while since I’ve whirred a chain, and whizzed along the sea front.

It started well, but soon flashes of fiery red curly hair surrounding tear filled tired eyes, interupted the focus of my beam ahead. She was just too young to fully understand, but just old enough to know that Daddy’s never coming home.

Each wave crashing on the rocks, echoed the slapping of a deadly calm sea disturbed only by the racing of a RIB for shore. Emergency services lay in waiting, but it would be too late.

The men shouted at me to gaze forwards and watch for bouys, it wasn’t until some years later that I realised this was an attempt to save the innocence of a young girl who’d not long graduated from childhood. It was too late though, I’d seen it all.

Come on Loopy, shake it off, focus on the path ahead. Switching to full beam as darkness settled, intensified the darkness in my head. Every turning of the crank brought images off those oxygen starved blue lips and grown men fighting back tears as they pounded on a water filled chest.

I’m so sorry. I could have, and should have done more.

I love the sea………..and I hate it!!!

Loopy x.

86. I thought I’d escaped the hangover but no!

Just a quick update, the quietiapine hangover struck just after lunch! I’m sweaty, I’m twitchy and slightly nauseus. I feel like I’m having withdrawel symptoms from a benzo.  I don’t like this feeling. I am little less tired as previously stated but god I hate hangovers.

That’s an effect I wasn’t expecting.

Loopy x.

78. And Breathe……….

Sounds so simple doesn’t it.  “Just breathe. Inhale slowly and exhale noticing the weight of your body in the chair.”

I had a psychology session today.  It went well. I can talk freely and she puts me at ease. We ended however with a calming breathing excercise. I had to stop!

I thought that my inability to temper my emotions during the relaxation sessions in here were due to hearing water sounds.  It is true that hearing/seeing water, or being out by the beach etc does remind me of that awful day.  Today however there was no water, just breaths, and I was triggered.

During that diving incident that I’ve blogged about previously; in the panic and frenzy underwater; I had to share by air supply with my instructor. For what felt like an eternity we passed my regulator to and fro so that we both could breathe. Holding my breath in those moments was indescribable. Those tight chested anxious sensationss came rushing back today at the end of the psych session.

I stopped her before I became overwhelmed, and I’m calm now.  I just need a gym session.

Loopy x.

77. Triggered

So for the 2nd time since I’ve been in here the lovely staff have attempted to run a relaxation session (around 7.30 pm).  Why does every frigging soundtrack involve water sounds or waves? I won’t be attending any other of these sessions.  I’m overthinking everything at the moment and as soon as I heard those waves, I was right back in that water, rushing to the surface, watching the failed revival of his blue face.

I wanted to burn, but I didn’t.  I asked a staff member to not let me.

Why is this bugging me so much now?  It’s a problem. I live by the sea.  I feel so much guilt that I didn’t do more.

Loopy x.