213. Little white lies.

I couldn’t sleep, that part was true. I’m totally dependant on pills now. Audio books and zopiclone are the perfect combination, but without the zopiclone (or a prescribed alternatuve) my eyes remain open and my thoughts attack me.

“Did you do anything?” asked a caring NHS voice this morning. “No” I replied but in truth yesterday I was a little self destructive. I once again put straightening irons against my skin, until the flesh was white and leathery. The edges blistered immediately and now I’m dealing with the aftermath. I don’t really know why I did it.

In the evening myself and OH treated ourselves to a “Subway”; the chicken teriyaki on Italian herb and cheeses went down easily. Then the guilt took hold and I followed the ritual of drinking tea (to fill my gut with liquid), sneaking off to the bathroom, expelling some of the guilt, and washing my hands and around my mouth thoroughly with soap.

I don’t know why I lied this morning. I guess I felt like the truth would let him down. The truth would label me attention seeking. The truth would prove that I’m pathetic.

Loopy x.

198. Call of Duty.

What are you going to do, to distract yourself?; it’s a question that i’m often asked. It’s relentless and exhausting!! Activity after activity after activity, all so that I’m not alone with my thoughts.

Today I dusted off our PS4 and whipped out Call of Duty. Psychologically speaking, sitting all day in front of our telly shooting machine guns is maybe not the healthiest. As a distraction however; it worked for a while. My eyes are tired now though, and I’m stuck on a level that’s frustrating me.

There’s a few more hours yet to kill before bed. What will I do now?

There are pills on my kitchen window sill and a dressing gown cord that I’ve been eyeing up lately in my bedroom. Half my head is shouting, just do it, DO IT NOW! The other half is reaching out for hope; YOU WONT ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS.

I am sooo tired……and scared……and alone……..

I was given yet another dosage increase today. A schedule of two antidepressants, a mood stabiliser, sleeping aids, 16 sessions of psychology, once weekly supportive chats………….and none of it’s working. My arms are raw and sore (and stink!), my stomach is rumbling since I expelled this evenings dinner, and I’m feeling defeated.

Loopy x.

194. The 3 B’s

Today my downward spiral continues. It’s a day that needs to end. I’ve binged, I’ve biked and I’ve burned.

I slept in, slightly comatosed from last night’s sleep aid. I rushed little man out the door to nursery, and when I arrived home, I made a cuppa and sat with my thoughts.

I wanted to leave little man at nursery indefinitely, and actually dreaded picking him up this evening. I’m no good for him, and sometimes, I think I hate him, or is it the life I now lead since his arrival?

I’ve shoved chocolate bars, cereal bars, real butter smothered scones, bananas, crisps, yogurts, sweets, and anything else edible in my possession, into my face; as if preparing for a winter hibernation.

I off course felt grotesque, and this feeling forced me to go and pump some pedals. Upon returning home I binged some more, fueling further disgust.

Two fingers down my throat expelled some off this disgust, and straightening irons held firmly against my arm expelled some more, and brought me temporary calm.

Now though, with some hours remaining before bedtime, my arm is in agony, my jaws are crying out for more junk food and my legs, (already fatigued from overdoing things lately) are jittery as my head is telling me, I need to pedal some more.

Loopy x

187. Back to porridge.

That’s it, my trip home is over and in all honesty I’m relieved. We’re up at 5.30 am tomorrow to head back to some normality.

I have no idea what 2019 will hold for myself and little man. What I do know is that I hold little optimism.

I’ve had teary sessions at home, with good reason and without. I’m still staggering, searching for footholds; but I keep slipping.

I have however regained some control over my purging habits, so that I guess is progress.

Loopy x

181. A purging replacement.

I’ve been struggling with food lately. I’ve been binging, feeling disgusting and vomiting. I was waking up in the morning with sore throats and let’s be honest, it will destroy my teeth.

My meds have helped a little I think, in that I’m binging a little less (when I do eat though it’s junk) and I’ve tried to replace vomiting with exercise.

I’ve just done a 16 km bike ride. When I’m out on my bike I’m not eating and I’m burning calories. I feel the need though to go further and further each night. I feel fat and disgusting if I don’t go. It’s becoming a bit of an addiction, but then I guess it’s better than vomuting?

I really really REALLY wish I could kick my ball again.

Loopy x

115. Stupid, stupid, STUPID!

The skies are still grey and weepy.  Not even a bike could bring out any rainbows today.  I’ve started googling again, same sites, same price, same temptation.  If I had them now, I’d go to the beach, ditch my bike and bid farewell to this perpetual fire. Or would I? I don’t even know.

I’ve still not heard a peep from my family. I’m in a city where “you’ll never walk alone” and yet I stand forlorn.

I’ve binged and puked. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!!!!!

Loopy x.