430. A busy week

This week my niece (9) and nephew (5) are up staying with us. What have I let myself in for!! In truth, they are very good kids, well mannered and great with little man. But the noise, oh my god the noise!!! They are most definitely the loudest kids in Ireland!!!

Noise is something myself, OH and little man struggle with. Especially little man, who often holds his hands over his ears. I’m still concerned about him, to be honest. He’s very very sensitive to noise and I swear he has OCD. Can a child off 3, have OCD?

In other news, I’ve been building… Base frame and 1 wall frame done, with other timbers cut ready for assembly. I’m actually really enjoying this carpentry malarkey. Who knows, I may quit academia and live the quiet life, building crap out off wood, and selling it at a loss (proper stuff is quite expensive)

Finally, I have my psychology assessment tomorrow. I’ve no idea where to start or what my priorities are. I’m hoping it’s quite a structured chat. I’m nervous. What if they say; ‘you’re not suitable?”

I’m terrified off lockdown easing, I’m scared little man is damaged, I’m self harming, using diazepam in excess at night, abusing Orlistat and generally, I’m just messed up.

Where should we start………

Loopy x

386. Sheffield eating disorder booklet.

It bugs me that they’ve literally just printed off a booklet from another health trust, and they’ve not even attempted to adapt it, or personalise it.  I get that it might be a useful tool, but it feels like an after thought, something printed randomly from the web.  Plagiarised!!!!!!

Putting that aside, I will complete it.  I will attempt to log my feelings, eating habits and use of not so good weight control measures.  I will try.

It’s all so blah!!!!! But at least I guess, it’s a start at helping me.

Loopy x

366. My teeth hurt

They’ve definitely yellowed, and look bad. I’m afraid to smile now. I’m so ashamed. Then add to this my new found general achiness and sensitivity.

Come on Loopy, start wising up!!you are ruining your teeth

Irregardless the urges to purge keep coming. They now sneak up on me at work, an escalation of the severity of things. It’s hard to hide the stench of puke at work.

Eating now makes my tummy bloated and sore. There’s one quick cure for that, and it works. It does reduce the discomfort and the expulsion of the calories soothes my head a little…..that is until the food cravings come again with gusto.

OH is oblivious to this particular struggle. I’m too ashamed to tell him

Loopy x

353. A little house.

We’ve been living with my in laws since July. They are lovely people, but, we and they need some space. Yesterday we viewed a little house I’d seen, and we both loved it We get the keys this week.

I’m delighted, but I’m also apprehensive. Living with family has kept me safe. There were times I wanted to binge on pills, tie ligatures,vomit or self harm badly, but having people here, has hindered my freedom.

I’m looking forward to having space, partly because I’m looking forward to being able to indulge in those behaviours. There will be no more rushed burns before bedtime, no more apprehension about being ill, or dopey in front of others, no more silent puking. No more restrictions!!

I know this sounds messed up. But it’s how I feel.

Loopy x

348. How do I stop?

I need help. My daily zopiclone usage is back to 15mg and rising. I’m craving the knock out effect. I’m craving the mind fog and slowed thoughts. When I’m alert at night, my mind races. It attacks me. It tells me I’m ugly, and stupid and useless. It tells me I’ll fail.

So I pop a zopiclone, which then rises to 2, and to 3, and to 4. I’ve been here before. How do I stop??

Added to this, is my daily ritual of throwing up my dinner. If it weren’t for the smell, I’d also do lunch, but I can’t easily purge at work. I hate my gut and yet the pounds keep creeping on. The scales register heavier and heavier. So I puke, but it has no effect.

How do I stop?

I wish someone would help me.

Loopy x

344 A week of ups and downs.

I work at a fairly prestigious uni, and as course co-ordinator I must be able to sell! That is, sell the subject to prospective students and win over anxious parents. On Wednesday night at a road show I oozed friendlyness and bravado. I beckoned guests to our stand, and honestly wooed them. Its like i step out of myself and become someone else. A confident assured person who can chat to anyone, except it’s all front, hiding the terror within me.

But tonight I’ve had 11mg of zopiclone, I’ve thrown up as much of my dinner as I could, and I’m craving self harm.

I had a bad start today, jumping on the wrong bus and thus turning a 2 hour commute into a 4 hour one. When I finally arrived at work, I couldn’t get into my office. Yep I’d left my keys at home. Thankfully the boss had a master key.

Tonight im quite tired but my head is beginning to self destruct. Shut up thoughts, please shut up.

Loopy x

341. Flumps

I love flumps. I’ve enjoyed them since childhood. Today however, flumps are proving quite troublesome. For those of you unsure, flumps are marshmallow logs, that are bloomin delicious.

I enjoy them immensely but like many sweet treats, soon after consumption, the guilt and self loathing sets in.

I’m purging again. I need to, I’m grotesque. If you’re suffering from disordered eating and purging, I have a word of warning for you…..

Flumps FLOAT!!!!!!!, making them very difficult to flush 😦

Loopy x

338. A harmless purge.

Let’s be honest. There is no such thing as a harmless purge. My scientific brain is screaming; tooth decay!! vocal chord damage!! throat sores!! bloating!! digestive problems!! bad, bad, BAD!!!

But then I look in the mirror. I see fat and buldges, and yuck! I remember all the calories I’ve binged on. I’m ugly, I’m ugly, I’m UGLY!!!!

Now my mouth is dry and sore.

Loopy x

314. I can’t talk to you.

Would it be rude to say this to my new CPN? Would it be nasty to say it to OH?

I’m self distructing again. I know I’m losing control. I know I’m developing bad habits and dangerous behaviours. I know my mind is broken.

I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t even call any helplines as there are always people within earshot. I don’t know what to do?

Loopy x

311. Orlistat

I’ve not yet touched the laxatives in my bedroom drawer. I want to, but my scientific brain, with its knowledge of gut physiology is arguing against me.

I’m struggling however, and the purging is becoming more frequent. I’ve settled on an alternative approach as my title suggests.

Orlistat is essentially a fat blocker that inhibits gastric and pancreatic lipases (the little suckers that break down fats into an absorbable form) thus preventing the absorption of fats. I’ve just ordered some through the usual unscrupulous online pharmacies.

The side effects (predominantly gas and oily stools) may prove intolerable. I need to lose weight though, I’m grotesque.

Loopy x