281. A safeguarding issue.

I’ve been holding back for months. I’ve been terrified of the consequences. How can anyone ever have those thoughts?

I’ve also been terrified that on impulse, or in the depths of despair, I may react, in unimaginable ways.

Today, for the safety of my beautiful little boy, I finally shared some of my most distressing thoughts. I fear that I may hurt him. I know that on occasion I have felt the need to die, and escape this cruel existence. But my little man can’t grow up without a mum. He can’t grow up in a cruel world either, and I’ve been told over and over that when a parent dies by suicide, it has a life long impact. Should I therefore take him too?… No, No,NO, a million times NO, but I’m still fearful.

I know this is disordered irrational thinking. I know these thoughts are wrong. But I also know that I’m not always capable of rationally challenging the emotional side of my brain.

Child services will be in touch soon. What have I done???

Loopy x

234. Just a minute!

“Maybe we should bring the buggy!!” came bellowing from Just outside my bedroom door.

Seriously Mum, please just bugger off for a few minutes. You were down stairs a second ago, why the hell can you not stay there for just a few minutes!!!

I can’t get any flipping time alone with my straighteners this weekend. Between OH and mum being here. I could scream!!!!

I’m a mess, and I desperately need to burn.

I’m feeling defeated again.

Loopy x

225. Small victories.

I survived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And this evening I’m feeling a little stronger.  O.K I did not pull off todays practical with a swagger, but nor did I limp helplessly through it.  There were definetly some head scratching moments as my explanations caused some students more confusion than clarity, and some of their rebutals made my head spin but ultimately I was able to remain relatively calm, relatively composed and most importantly adequatly competent to get us all through the session.  Today was the closest I’ve felt to the old work Dr. Loopy.  I was in control of 3 demonstrators and 60 odd students and it didn’t reduce me to the aticipated crumbling mess that I was after last Thursdays prac.

I am not firing on all cylinders just yet, but I have more hope today that i will get there. This evening I played with little man as OH went boxing.  I then went to the gym upon OH’s return home. About an hour of solid cardio, a quick shower and tonight I’ve spent about another hour and a half preparing for my next big test.

Friday will see me stand, once again in a lecture hall, faced with a wall of students.It’s on the cardiovascular system, pretty apt really, as my heart will certainly be thumping? Tonight i finalised the slides: tomorrow I shall finalise my script.

I’m exhausted now, time for bed.

Loopy x.

181. A purging replacement.

I’ve been struggling with food lately. I’ve been binging, feeling disgusting and vomiting. I was waking up in the morning with sore throats and let’s be honest, it will destroy my teeth.

My meds have helped a little I think, in that I’m binging a little less (when I do eat though it’s junk) and I’ve tried to replace vomiting with exercise.

I’ve just done a 16 km bike ride. When I’m out on my bike I’m not eating and I’m burning calories. I feel the need though to go further and further each night. I feel fat and disgusting if I don’t go. It’s becoming a bit of an addiction, but then I guess it’s better than vomuting?

I really really REALLY wish I could kick my ball again.

Loopy x

176. Being reckless.

It’s pitch dark, chilly out, and I’ve just come back from a bike ride. I was asked the other day if I prefer the gym, or bike? I couldn’t really answer.

I prefer the gym for tracking calories burned, and the little competitive streak in me, thrives on turning my machines resistance up, just a notch above the guy or girl sweating beside me.

I favour the bike though, for sheer fun. 10 year old Tom boy Loopy rises from the ashes, and thrives on jumping kerbs, going flat out on hill slopes and leaning just a little to deep and fast into corners. On the odd occasions I can lose myself, and clear my mind, it’s magic.

Tonight though I’ve pushed my luck a little. I have no sense of direction, but something made me go down roads I’ve not travelled before. Something made me head for darkness and not care where I ended up. I was a little reckless and honestly lucky I found my way back.

I’ve been reckless lately, doing things I shouldn’t and holding back on the absolute truths of how I’m coping. My arms are a mess and my personal hygiene is crying out for a good scrub

Loopy x.