436. Football!!!

And not that oul soccer shite. Proper football!! Gaelic football!!! ;0 (Ok I do like soccer too)

I made an effort. I found a club and made enquiries. Tonight despite all my anxiety and fear, I forced myself to go!!!  The original “Beautiful Game”

I’m glad I did. Ok I was probably the most geriatric there! (@34) I lacked kicking accuracy and down right sprinting pace but fuck it, I gave it guts and had some fun.

The next training session is Friday, and I’ll be there!

Good job Loopy!!

Loopy x

Loopy x

435 A 2nd attempt.

If at first, you don’t succeed, try try again!!

I’ve mentioned in previous posts, that I’ve taken a shine to building stuff. My first attempt at a dog house was not toooooo bad, but I had roof pitch problems and gappy joints.

I took it apart, and made little mans mud kitchen.

My 2nd attempt however, well now, it would seem I have a head for this. This ones not complete yet, but it’s sturdy, safe, and dare I say it; “sellable”

Some corner trim, finish off the cladding, add the plywood roof and felt and boom!

Not too shabby!

Loopy x

431. Loopy’s Lodge

It’s taking shape. I’ve never in my life built anything from wood, so despite the somewhat wonky roof, I’m rather proud of this. I’ve been at it all day today. It’s kept me focused on something, and is proving to be a great distraction.

I need all the distractions I can get. I had my psychology assessment this week. They rang me back quickly after, saying that I needed 1 to 1 therapy. Here’s the kicker though… the waiting list is apparently 9 months from now.

I’ve been home a year. All my notes and treatment reccomdations came with me. Yet I wasn’t actually referred until about 4 weeks ago. I’m seriously considering launching an official complaint. No wonder suicide is so devastatingly common here……………………

Just keep building loopy!

Loopy x

429. A project

I need a hobby. Pretty much every mental health professional has asked me; “what do you enjoy doing?” I pause, searching my brain for an answer, and then I blurt out; ‘”cycling”

It’s not a lie, I do enjoy cycling, but it sometimes gets aggressive, compulsive and a little destructive really, as it occasionally morphs into an essential fat burning mission. If you’ve been following I’ve now completed 140km of my 580km cycle challenge..

Cycling is good, but often, even whilst riding, my mind wanders to darker places. I’m not good a focusing on the here and now. Focusing on my surroundings, or I guess just being mindful. So…………

I need a hobby. One that requires concentration on the task at hand. I’m a Tom boy, and always have been. Growing up, myself and my cousin had toolkits, hammers and saw’s and we would venture off to build dens, cut big branches and occasionally slice our fingers!! We were about 6 or 7 at the time…

Something I’ve wanted for a while now, is a decent outdoor playhouse for little man. I reckon I can build it. Whooaaaa Loopy, baby steps!!!

We’ve amassed tools over the years and as my father is a carpenter by trade, I’ve made sure to buy ‘proper tools’

I took a delivery of timber today, and I’ve gathered up some bits and bobs. I’m going to start with a dog kennel

Wish me luck………

Loopy x

Ps the ruler is actually pretty cool. If you’re into crafts and cutting stuff with Stanley knives, this has a finger guard to stop you accidentally chopping your fingers off!!!Got it off amazon; “safety cutting ruler” 😉

428. A 100 Km…480 to go….

I’ve just passed the 100km mark [104.64 km to be exact] on the cycle challenge, I set at work. It’s me vs Dr. E. She’s as competitive as I am, which is great. It’s keeping me motivated.

I’m proud of myself, and I’ll keep going. 480km to go!!!

Loopy x

427. Psychology!!!!!!!!

I’m in shock. I thought it would never come but almost a year now, living back home and finally, I’ve received a psychology assessment appointment. July 8th over the phone.

Is it weird that I was almost excited, reading the letter.

Let’s hope this is the start of something that will ultimately be positive. I do worry a little that I’ll feel worse first.

Loopy x

425. Malin head to Mizen head.

I’ve not had the motivation to cycle lately.  I’ve been lazy, lethargic and just blah  

Work wise we are operating through MS teams and I know some of my colleagues like to cycle so I’ve set us a challenge. 

How fast can we as a group cover the length of beautiful ireland.  I’d kind off forgotten we’re all in academia, which means that we’re quite a competitive bunch. 

The race is on to do the 581 km, not just as a group, but Individually!!!

Hell yeah, I’m competitive!! It’s just what I needed to get me pedalling again.  16km down, only 565 to go!!

Loopy x

422. Damn it Loopy!!

Last night, for the first time in about 2 years, I slept without any zopiclone.  It was a huge achievement, one that I wanted to continue tonight…. but no, I’m a dumbass and I’ve taken 7.5mg.  In truth I want 15!

It was OH’s birthday today and his folks held a little party, cocktail sausages and all 

It’s been the most social interaction we’ve had, and I felt very uncomfortable.  This evening I feel tense and stressed and annoyed at myself for feeling uncomfortable.  We also ate alot of junk and I’m feeling fat, fat FAT!!!

I don’t want lockdown to end, but it will, and I’ll have to face people again, and busy places, and gauping eyes and aaaaggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!

I want to hide away forever…. 😦

Loopy x

421. A lung buster!!

I’m back on the roads, pumping pedals as hard as I can and sweating buckets!!!
I did probably 18 miles today in scorching heat.

I got stuck behind two ladies kitted in lycra and obviously road bike fanatics, and I must admit I felt a little smug being able to keep up with them.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m competitive, often to my own detriment, so let’s face it I wasn’t going to let them get out of sight!! But nonetheless it boosted my endorphins.

I know this routine by now, June, July I’ll be energised, I’ll cycle, I’ll cope and I’ll improve and then come August BLAM!!! I’ll start to crash. 

It’s a pattern, one that  I’ve never really discussed but one that is ingrained by now.

So while this lasts I’ll enjoy the little mood boosts, and continue to cycle harder and faster.

Oh by the way, I’m nearly off the zopiclone.  I’ve gone it alone (I had to!!, there’s no help here!!) and Im coping.  3.75mg / night.  This is the lowest dose I’ve been on in nearly 2 years. 

Oddly, lockdown is suiting me, I’m liking hiding away, not seeing ppl, not showering (gross I know) and lounging in football tops. I’m scared of coming out of it

Come on Loopy, keep your head up!!

Loopy x

418. The black dog.

He’s been sniffing around today I can’t explain it, but my body feels tense and on edge. My mind feels useless and scatty. My future looks hopeless and worthless.

I hate when I feel like this. I want to buy pills, I’m toying with self harm. I’ve thrown up. I’m slipping somewhat and it scares me.

Just go to bed loopy. No buying pills, no self harm, no undoing the progress you’ve made lately.

Just go to bed!!

Loopy x