355. I’m happier

When I look back over the year I’ve had, and consider all the mysery, loneliness, isolation, inpatient stays, and stress, I can honestly say that right now; I am happier!!!

I’m happier, I’m happier, I’M HAPPIER!!

Moving home, the family support, the new job and now our new little home has all made me happier.

Little man is also flourishing. He’s happier. He’s growing, he’s talking and he’s frigging beautiful!!!

Maybe this mood is partly due to having breaks from always parenting or working. Maybe it’s due to the lovely folks I work with. Maybe it’s due to the love I feel from OH or the fact that tomorrow night will be my third night in a hotel in the last 6 weeks.

Maybe I’m just a little manic!!!

Loopy x

354. A pleasure to read.

I’m a luttle snowed under with marking at the moment. I have a stack of 2nd year essays, on everyhing from platelet biology, to cervical smeara, to organ and tissue prep for pathology. Basically, its heavy reading.

I get a whole spectrum of work, ranging from “how on earth did you make it this far” to ” oh my god, you write better than most professors”

Marking, as a task, is much like the turbulence of BPD. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out! Long, undulatung, non sensical paragrahs, devoid of punctuation, literally suck the life out of me, and force me to question my life choices.

Fatigue, despair, and hoplessness grab hold and then, just like magic I find a diamond in the rough! A piece of work, that jumps out at mje, that leads me on a journey of discovery and wonder. A piece of work that’s tantilising, eliquent and most importantly, PROPERLY REFERENCED!

In an education sector, where we are systematically removing the space for natural flare, the space for innovatuon and self driven excellance, through the assessment coaching, through transparency of marking rubrics and criteria, and through business driven hand holding, its great to draw the battle lines with a simple scientific essay. Most will fade into insignificance, and few will emerge as heros!

Well done student J!You’ve listened, you’ve learned and you’ve inspired me to fight on, and to lecture another day.

Loooy x

353. A little house.

We’ve been living with my in laws since July. They are lovely people, but, we and they need some space. Yesterday we viewed a little house I’d seen, and we both loved it We get the keys this week.

I’m delighted, but I’m also apprehensive. Living with family has kept me safe. There were times I wanted to binge on pills, tie ligatures,vomit or self harm badly, but having people here, has hindered my freedom.

I’m looking forward to having space, partly because I’m looking forward to being able to indulge in those behaviours. There will be no more rushed burns before bedtime, no more apprehension about being ill, or dopey in front of others, no more silent puking. No more restrictions!!

I know this sounds messed up. But it’s how I feel.

Loopy x

347. Happy birthday….

to me…..

Today I turned 34 and it was actually a really nice day for me. OH surprised me this morning with a cooked brekkie. Then my mum and sister came up to take me out for lunch.

I recieved gifts that I was not expecting, I’ve had multiple well wishes on facebook and whatsapp and just now I noticed a voicemail from my dad, wishing me happy birthday.

Today I’m feeling loved, and thought off and wanted. Today I’m appreciating the people in my life and I’m thanking my stars, that I’m still alive. I’ve achieved alot in my 34 years, and sometimes I forget that.

Right now I’m marking student essays, but hey, you can’t have it all. 🙂

Loopy x

345. The love of a toddler.

Nothing comes close. When my little man runs towards me, shouting Teeeeeee! and flings his arms around me, I feel euphoric!!! I’m still struggling with things but the progress me and little man have made, is unbelievable.

This little guy, is my greatest achievement. He is beautiful and funny and growing into one heck of a little character. I love him, and he loves me too. We’ve come so far this past year, and we have so much more to look forward to.

I regret those days I didn’t like him very much. I regret feeling like he hated me. I regret trying to leave him. How could I possibly do that to him? I’m sorry little man, but I’m getting there.

Today you smashed a cup, smeared choclate over cushions, peed on the bathroom floor, spilt milk all over the tiles, tossed blocks everywhere, bashed my laptop keys and screen, persisted with thr destruction that only a toddler boy can muster…. but I don’t care.

You are my world, you are all that really matters. You are my “Hah wah!”

I love you buddy.

Teeeeeeee

344 A week of ups and downs.

I work at a fairly prestigious uni, and as course co-ordinator I must be able to sell! That is, sell the subject to prospective students and win over anxious parents. On Wednesday night at a road show I oozed friendlyness and bravado. I beckoned guests to our stand, and honestly wooed them. Its like i step out of myself and become someone else. A confident assured person who can chat to anyone, except it’s all front, hiding the terror within me.

But tonight I’ve had 11mg of zopiclone, I’ve thrown up as much of my dinner as I could, and I’m craving self harm.

I had a bad start today, jumping on the wrong bus and thus turning a 2 hour commute into a 4 hour one. When I finally arrived at work, I couldn’t get into my office. Yep I’d left my keys at home. Thankfully the boss had a master key.

Tonight im quite tired but my head is beginning to self destruct. Shut up thoughts, please shut up.

Loopy x

343. Where has my confidence gone?……

and why is my head so foggy?

I gave a lecture today. I was nervous, and it showed. I fumbled my way through bullet points, searched my mind for factual recall that just wouldn’t come to me, and overall it was uncomfortable for me.

I could hear my own voice relayed around the lecture theatre and I hated it. My head is foggy though, forgetful and muddled. It’s very frustrating.

I don’t know if it’s my meds, or if this is just the new me now? Have my breakdowns done this to me?

On a side note, I now need to upload further supplementary resources for the students, to compensate for my incompetence.

Swagger, If you’re out there, look me up. I need you back.

Loopy x