319. Falling apart

I can’t explain it, but an overwhelming feeling off hopelessness and sadness has washed over me today, and released my eye valves. Its been building up for weeks.

I was diagnosed with BPD (EUPD) a few months back and I would have been given support but since moving home I’ve been dropped like a lead balloon. I’m depressed, anxious, stressed, angry, hopeless and scared all rolled into one.

I’m getting no help, no support and no hope. I’m not fit to work but I start soon. I’m not fit to think straight or look after myself without feeling huge pressure. I’m just not fit.

Im about to blow!!!

Loopy x

317. My Suicide attempt.

A year ago today; I wrote a note and swallowed pills. I wanted to die. Thankfully panic took over and I called 999.

I can’t believe it has been a year. I can’t believe I had a proper mental breakdown and not 1 but 2 psychiatric ward admissions. I can’t believe that 1 year on, we’ve left work, moved home, and I’m just about to take on “my dream job” back on Irish soil.

I think off those women and men that somehow brought me back from the brink regularly. The amazing psych nurses, support workers, psychologists and care co-ordinators that dug me out off hell, and gave me hope.

I really should send them a thank you.

1 year on, and I’m hopeful. 1 year on, I’m a little stronger and as I type this, I have zero suicidal intent. 1 year on and myself and OH are stronger, and my love for little man is beyond anything; I’d ever imagined possible. That boy is my greatest achievement, and oh my word, I’m so proud off him.

Let’s hope the next 12 months are kinder to us all.

We deserve happiness.

Loopy x

316. Pier jumping.

I grew up by the sea. My youth was spent searching rock pools, climbing cliffs and swimming. Lots of swimming!

We were fearless; my cousins and I. Unphased by waves, or currents, or jellyfish!!

During our teenage years, we’d sneak off to secluded beaches to party and drink. We’d frequently huh hum; “borrow” the lifeguards kayaks.

Anyone regularly following will know that a terrible scuba diving accident robbed me of my courage and joy. It robbed me off my love for the sea.

This evening however, I squeezed into a wet suit, cast the flashbacks and apprehension aside; and took my son, my niece and my nephew pier jumping!! Neither can swim, but with new wetsuits and life jackets, and myself to protect them, their courage soon flourished. By the time we left for home, my niece; 8, was leaping with the confidence of a seasoned pro. My nephew; 5, ducked his head under and ventured ever further from the steps, with the odd helping hand from myself. My little man; nearly 3 would frigging leap himself but thankfully he was fearful of the seaweed.

I had fun, and I will certainly be making it a regular activity.

I’m a little proud of myself this evening.

Loopy x

315. Mixed fortunes.

This morning I got the call; “We were impressed, we’d like to offer you the job” I couldn’t believe it! How on earth have I just managed to get a senior lecturer position!!! Will I cope??? F$%k it, I must at least try.

OH started his new job today. His fortunes weren’t so good. He hates it. Not just new starter nerves, but a genuine, depression inducing, cannot do this a minute longer hatred. I felt so sorry for him this evening. In truth I could see it coming. He showed no enthusiasm during his training, and zero excitement at the prospect of starting. He’ll likely quit tomorrow; and he has my full support in that.

It’s been an odd day.

Loopy x

310. A bumbling idiot.

Yesterday I had an interview. 3 questions where quite tough but the first, well the first should have been a shoe in.

“Tell us about your teaching experienxe”

I’ve been lecturing for 6 years. I’ve covered all the bases of designing and delivering a curriculum. I should have hit this one out of the park…..

But no! I was a bumbling idiot who could barely string a sentence together. I really don’t know what happened. I just froze.

I’m so angry at myself!!!!I have another interview for a different place in just over a weeks time. I hope I can find some of my lost bravado by then….

Loopy x

308. Job interviews.

It’s pretty much 12am and I’m just heading for bed. I’ve been preparing a PowerPoint presentation, that must be submitted by tomorrow. “How would you embed employability into the science cirriculum?. It’s for my “dream job” at a top UK Russell group uni, yet my hearts not in it. Why is my heart not in it?

I’ve completed the slides, and will send them off by the deadline tomorrow. But I really must summon some enthusiasm before the actual interview/interrogation on the 31st of this month.

I must also prepare for a phone interview this Friday at another university for a part time, working from home gig. I have no enthusiasm for that either. What the hell is wrong with me??!!

On a side note, I think I should set up a CV consultancy business. I’m very good (near 100% success) at landing interviews!!!

Loopy x

306. Conspiring against me.

OH has been moody all day. He dropped his parents at the airport this morning, and since then he’s shut down.

Here’s what I think. I think his parents took this opportunity to grill him on how useless I am. I think they’ve noticed that I’ve not been pulling my weight lately. I think they’ve asked him to really consider our relationship. I think they’ve presented him with better options.

I think they hate me, and why wouldn’t they?

Loopy x