463. Breeding like……..

Guinea pigs!!! Betty’s a boy, oh and a bad boy he is too!

We’ve gone from owning 3 guinea pigs to 9!! Thelma and Louise are doing well though, happy mums.

There must be something in the air. Myself and OH have had some relationship difficulties over the years, difficulties that have knocked both his and my self confidence. I even purchased little blue pills to see if that would help. We’ve never tried them.

This last few weeks though, oh boy!!! Think Greys Anatomy on call rooms, think Bridgerton, think back to the very very beginning off a relationship when you simply can’t keep your hands off each other.

It’s doing wonders for my self esteem!! He’s cut out evening junk food, favouring a coffee instead but apart from that, who knows. We’re not sure what exactly has changed, but we’ve definitely reconnected.

Loopy x

463. Live again.

My site was down and I had no idea. I was wondering why I’d been having no views. Was just about to quit writing, but it’s now sorted.

I don’t really blog for others, it’s a personal mental space for me to express my thoughts safely and anonymously. But not having readers, felt disappointing. I don’t know why. I guess you lot are my sounding board and it only works if I feel I’m being heard. It doesn’t matter who, just someone.

So now fixed, I shall continue.

Biggest thought today, is that I need to increase my Saxenda dose. I’ve started walking, but it’s not enough. I’m fat and need to fix it.

I’m also in a constant state of really wanting to end my life. But I don’t want to hurt anybody. When I’m out walking, I think go on Loopy, jump in front off a car. At least that might look like an accident. When I get home again, I think off the driver, the potential impact that could have, but if my family thought I died from an accident, would it be any easier on them?

Jumping in front off cars is no easy feat, I bottle it every time. Drug overdoses are easier, but not guaranteed. Hanging is really affective, but again I bottle it. Does that mean I don’t want to die? What the hell does all this mean?

I’m tired now, i’m always tired.

Loopy x

461. New Years resolutions.

1. Lose weight. I’m going to do it as soon as I can. I’ve bought more Orlistat, I’m desperately trying to get my hands on saxenda, and today I went back on my bike. I feel grotesque, a beached whale, a fat ugly rolley polley.

My first attempt at getting Saxenda failed. Stupid Loopy, you’re fake BMI was too low. Rookie error. My 2nd attempt- well I’m still waiting on the outcome. Fingers crossed. It’s funny, when I was doing my PhD I used to joke that we should all be taking GLP-1 agonists, which is what Saxenda is. They make you feel fuller, delay gastric emptying and have been shown to aid weight loss. Typically used to treat diabetes but now also approved for weight loss in morbidly obese individuals.

Next resolution. Self harm more. Yup I know how ridiculous that sounds. I should be trying the opposite, but /I’m stressed and it calms me. I have this mad craving to use a clothes iron. I’ve been fighting the urge for weeks now, sticking with the straighteners, but I don’t think I’ll be able to relax if I don’t try it. I can’t make sense of these urges at the minute, but they’re showing no signs of easing.

Next one- no hospital admissions in 2021. This past few years I’ve been in and out of psychiatric wards, and to be honest, at the moment I wish I was back in. That’s usually a sign that 1. I don’t actually need to be in, and 2. A sign that my stress and feelings of being overwhelmed are growing. But stay out this year Loopy. You need to stay out.

Last one for now- try to talk more with your key worker. Seek out more counselling and oh this is a big one- share your food struggles with OH.

That’s it for now folks. A mixed bag /I’d say.

Loopy x

457. Tastelife session 4

I blog during the intervals. But first I ran down stairs for some comfort food. I need it!!

The drawing above is an iceberg we were asked to sketch down. They’re a big fan of journaling. Below the surface are my instant thoughts about what might have led to my disordered eating. Note I’m a comfort eater.

It’s a bit scrawled so I’ll type them here.

1. I feel ugly.

2. Someone died because off me.

3. Mum wanted “normal” children.

4 . Thin is good, fat is bad.

5. I’m a terrible mum.

6. Fat albinos look worse than thin ones.

7. When I purge more, I burn less (oh that ones caught me off guard!, dunno where that came from.)

8. Thinner feels better.

I’m exhausted, it feels very raw and it’s bedtime now. Oh I’d love some zopiclone!! Or a burn, or a purge or all of these things. I think I have a sneaky box off Z’s somewhere.

On a final note, and this might offend some, which is not my intent, but they’ve been pushing “faith’ again this week. It spurts from their mouths sporadically, and everyone except me seems to be receptive to it. It’s making me feel like the “black sheep”

We were asked to think off someone we’d love to meet or go on a walk with. My head was screaming; the founder of the theory of evolution. But his name escaped me. Off course; Charles Darwin!! You know this Loopy, but it’s probably best that you forgot. I said nothing…….

Loopy x 😦

456. Tastelife session 3.

They’ve touched more than a few nerves this evening. I’ve had to turn my camera off. I’ve had a bad day with food, and talk off addictions etc has left me craving zopiclone. I need to burn I think.

They’re a nice bunch of people, but I cannot speak. I cannot contribute. I cannot cope tonight.

What the fuck is wrong with you Loopy?

What I will say though, is that I don’t have an eating disorder. Probably mildly disordered eating.

455. Tastelife session 2.

I’m back at the eating disorder course this week. Posting now at the interval.

We just watched a video of someone’s story. I felt really bad for the girl but then she talked about hearing Jesus and finding faith. It has turned me right off the course. I don’t mean to offend anyone, and if that’s truely her story fine, but why oh why do all these courses bring up *faith* in some guise or another.

She did finish with 3 top tips.

1. Have a friend. A friend with full honesty. Someone you can talk too.

2. Fill life with other things.

3. Learn to look after yourself. Be kind to yourself.

These are good tips in fairness. On point 1 I’ve failed. Far far too ashamed to share this wi;th anyone remotely close. On point 2 I’m not great either. When I bring in other things it’s gets obsessive and often detrimental. 3, oh how many times in community and hospital settings have I heard those words. I wish it were so simple.

Now feeling awkward and uneasy I’m scoffing down a caramel tartlet. How can I write off these calories?

Loopy x

447. Counselling.

I’m back in counselling. 6 sessions I’ll get and then will just stay on the waiting list for proper psychology. I like her, which is good. I instantly liked her, but she’s set me some homework.

1.Practice mindfulness when you’re not stressed. Practice everyday!!

2. Notice what anxiety feels like in your own body. What does it do to you?

I’ve failed on point 1 today, I’ve not practised. On point two, my mouth dries like the Sahara, my mind bounces from thought to thought irrationally, my chest and jaw tighten and I twitch. Lots of little involuntary muscle spasms.

Loopy x

445. Mortality

I’m going to die young.

Regular self burning , will one day give me skin cancer. The repeated damage and neglectful care, don’t help. With skin cancer though, I guess you have a fighting chance.

Then there’s my drug use, prescribed (although I’m forgetful with it) and the non prescribed. Taking higher doses of zopiclone nightly and now using my built up stash of Valium to manage stress {work mostly] and sometimes to help stay calm with little man

The problem with all these drugs, is they are processed by our livers and our kidneys. The liver may at least fight back a little being our only organ that can regenerate itself. Let’s face it though I’m on a path to cirrhosis and renal failure. The other problem with all these meds, is their longer term effects on the nervous system. Gradual decline in nerve function, memory loss and neurodegeneratiin await.

Did I mention the Orlistat? (now that’s my pancreas gone}, and the purging. It’s sooo harsh on my guts, my oesophagus and throat. Oesophageal and colon damage, and disordered eating won’t help my nutrition state. I just crave carbs!!

To sum up, I’m always tired and am full off aches and pains, and the colour off my pee is concerning. I’m muddling along with all those things but they will kill me……..

I’m comfortable with dying young. That’s the saddest thing off all.

Loopy x

.

439. Thelma and Louise

Today we welcomed two cute little guinea piggies into our home.

I’ve been wanting a pet for a while, partly for me and partly for little man. Pets are good for kids in my view. They teach responsibility and care and at some point loss.

Pets are something myself and my sister always had, and it’s one of the good things our folks did for us. Pets are therapeutic in my view.

They’re a little shy, but will hopefully settle in soon

Loopy x

437. E.C.T

Today I indulged in some shock therapy. D.I.Y style!! I swear the longer I work from home, the more brain cells I am losing.

My drill broke, and suspecting that there may be some dust in the cable end, I took it upon myself the suck the dust free.

Next time loopy, UNPLUG IT FROM THE MAINS!!!

On the bright side, I’ve spent most of the evening, chuckling to myself, at my stupidity. Who know’s, maybe E.C.T would work on me. 😉

Loopy x