96. Another lost ball and a burn.

It’s been one of those days; the kind of day where you struggle to keep calm.  Where you’re whole body shakes because you cannot cope with the pent up emotions and to top it off, it was hectic on the ward today. Today I asked to be locked out of my room for a little while.  I was struggling to keep my head, and apply logic to my situation.  Today I wanted to give up. There was that desire to ligature again.  I hate that such a temptation is now occupying my mind.  I’ve never done it or wanted to do it before coming in here. But I guess with limited resources, it’s just the go to thing.

I’ve lost another ball over the roof and I’ve burned.  The burn is quite painful tonight.

Loopy x.

95. Compassionate self.

This is something, I’m going to be working on in therapy. It’s so much easier to be compassionate towards others.  I went into full blown work (student support aspect) mode last night and spent over an hour listening to the woes of another patient in here.  I showed her lots of compassion, so much so that she thanked me for it this morning.

Why is it so difficult to show the same care towards ourselves.  At the moment I hate myself.  I hate the fact that I didn’t pick up on Little man’s potential difficulties sooner. I hate the fact that I’m in hospital not caring for him. I hate the fact that I’m failing as a mother and partner.  I hate the fact that I still feel suicidal.  What kind of selfish horrible person considers ending their life when they have a little man with potential ASD.  Who would fight for him if I were absent?? Not OH, he’d not push for anything.  Grandparents maybe, but he’d have less access to interventions in their countryside upbringing.  My head is so conflicted again.

So lets focus on my homework.  Focus on compassion.  I’ve been given a “developing compassion for yourself” stabilization pack.  I do love when these things are given a good acronym.  In this case; SAFE

So I’m going to be learning to have Sympathy for myself, Acceptance for my differences, Forgiveness for my mistakes and Empathy, in order to understand better my own feelings.

Lets see how this goes.

Loopy x.

94. Insomnia

Sleep, that curer of all ailments, that is essential to sustain us; is proving far too difficult to come by these days.  I cannot sleep!.  Sometimes this can be explained away with racing thoughts, general self loathing and worrying about little man, but at other times , I’m just far too awake.  I lay there not thinking anything just staring at the ceiling.  That’s the scariest type of sleep deprivation of them all.  What on earth has happened to my circadian rhythm and how do we fix it?

I blame the quetiapine for this.

Loopy x.

93. World crumbling around me.

I only thought life was hard before I came in here.  I’m now terrified of the life I face when I get out.  I emailed Little mans nursery today with a list of probing questions regarding my ASD suspicions and the responses were not in our favour. Why the fuck did they not mention it to me!!!!!

I’m so scared of our future now.  I’m terrified and in all honesty I want to jump in front of the nearest train.  I can’t now though.  I need to fight.  I need to get on track so that I can fight tooth and nail to ensure little man is properly assessed and supported.

I just need to fight…………How the hell do I keep going.

Loopy x.

92. Fat as a butchers dog!

I’ve just pulled on my pj’s and causght sight of myself in the mirror.  I have more rolls than a bakery!!!! I am becoming grotesquely fat. I am disguisted in myself.  I’ve not had any gym sessions this week, partly due to my quietiapine hangovers (which today have eased) but also because the staff member who brings me over hasn’t come around.

Looking at myself is making me want to take a scalpel to my mid section.  Not literally off course but I would love to rid myself off this fat.

Feeling very ugly tonight.

Loopy x.

91. Consumed with worry.

Today I’m freaking out.  I blogged yesterday about my hidden concerns that my little man is showing signs of autism.  Last night I questioned family specifically on the topic as they are looking after him right now.  My sister reaffirmed my suspicions.  They’ve also identified little ideosyncracies in him.

I am shaking as I write this.  My head is completely overwhelmed again.  On top of everything else going on in my life at the moment this is just alot to add. It has now become my main worry.

Could this expalin our difficulty bonding?  Should I have spotted this sooner????

I need to ring our health visitor asap.

Loopy x.

90. Mayday mayday, we’re going down.

I stated the day exhausted and hungover but mood wise I was pretty o.k.  However this past few hours I’ve been spiralling downwards.  I don’t really know why.  I’m feeling the need to self harm and I don’t really know why. I feel like I need to cry but I’m unable to.

I’ve been thinking alot about little man today, and something my mother said this morning; “he’s not walking on his toes anymore”.  I hadn’t noticed he’d been walking on his toes.  Had he really?  I’ve been worrying on and off this past few months that he’s been showing signs of autism and now this comment has sent my head into a whirlwind.  What if I’ve missed something really important, and not asked him to be checked out sooner.  I’ll have to grill family this evening on what he’s saying and doing etc. I’m worried now.  He’s been saying words and then not saying them, but then I haven’t seen him in weeks and when I was at home, let’s be honest he’s been in nursery all day.  I’m an absent, terrible mother.

I hope I’m wrong about this.

Loopy x.