140. A Compassionate Letter.

For this weeks psychology homework, I’ve been tasked with writing a compassionate letter to myself. The last time I sat and wrote a hand written letter was when I penned my suicide note on August 3rd.  That in itself made this feel a little difficult.

I did give it a go, but I found this really tough.  The perfectionist in me wanted to plan it out, write it logically with good flow and appropriate paragraghs, but the advice given on the homework sheet was to just let it flow.  I’m not a let it flow kind of person. I feel like I’ve failed at this although I guess it will just take practice.  When I’ve written one I’m happy with I will share it with you all. I have a psychology session tomorrow and I’m not sure I’m even comfortable sharing it with her.

I ended the letter with “you need to stop binging”.  I’m struggling with food at the moment.  Even though I’m hitting the gym regularly the numbers on the scale keep rising.  I hate my fat disugusting body, which paradoxically makes me binge………….and then I purge…. I’m at a loss here. It must be the meds, and I can’t stop those. I really don’t know how to control this.

Loopy x.

139. My Puggy Boy.

In the quest for better mental health, I’ve had to make some tough decisions but none come close to the pain I feel tonight. My house is empty and my heart is broken.

10 years ago you came into my life and filled a hole I didn’t even know existed. You were the greatest Christmas gift off all and for 10 years we were inseparable. I promised I would love and care for you, for all your days, but tonight I’ve shipped you home to live with my parents.

My puggy boy, I owe you everything. You were my first baby. You were with me when I moved in with OH. You were with me when I was turned down on my first PhD application and you were with me the day I found out I’d been accepted.

You were with me when I had my last depressive episode. You were with me when my PTSD was at its worst. You were with me when I took my first overdose all those years ago and you gazed at me worryingly when my mouth began to froth. You were with me, when I had my 3 misscarriages, and you nuzzled your little head lovingly into me as I lay in bed, broken.

You were with me when i typed every word of my doctoral dissertation and you listend to me endlessly practice for my viva. You wiere with me when I made my first proper job applications and you were with me when we moved to take up my first post graduate job. You were the one who listened to my first attempts at lecturing, and gave me the courage to do it for real.

You were with me when I found out I was pregnant and you made the joyful declaration (see below). When I went into labour and OH was sleeping upstairs you sat by every contraction and snuggled with me through those first few hours. When we took little man home you were there to great us.

PUG 3

For 10 years my house has never been truelly quiet. Your little sniffs and snorts and snuffles filled the silence, as a reminder that I was never truelly alone. When OH worked nights you were my house alarm and protector. You were my conversation companion and you were my extra duvet during cold spells. You were also Little mans first friend and play mate.

PUG 4



pug 5

Tonight I could hear a pin drop. My house is deadly silent. Your bowls and bed are gone, I had to give you up. I know my Dad will spoil you and you’ll have much more freedom now, but I feel so guilty and alone.

PUG 1

You’ve greated me home from work everyday with your jumps and boundless energy. I love you Puggy Boy and I always will.

Loopy x.

138. In the red.

My gas tank is pretty much empty today. I’m running on fumes. Last night I lay in bed staring at the ceiling for 4 hours, before deciding to just get up.  OH was in a thundering snore beside me and it was driving me insane. Every breath he took mocked my inability to sleep.

At 2am I dragged myself and a duvet to our living room sofa.  I made a cup of tea (de-caf) and proceeded to undo all the great work I had done at the gym earlier by scoffing a mars bar, crisps and some sweets.  After 2 episodes of “it’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” I began to feel drowsy.  OH woke me at 5 am with his morning routine and so i dragged myself back to our bed.

By 7.30 I was up again carrying a little toddler into our room.  He lay beside me watching cartoons until 9, but I didn’t sleep.  I was supposed to bring Little man into nursery today but I couldn’t face it.

I need to have a shower and go and pick up meds (I’m sooooo sick of them only giving me 7 days at a time) but I can’t be arsed.

I’m so tired…………….

Loopy x.

 

 

137. Hello old friend (or foe?).

Shortly after yesterdays blog, I succumbed to the calls from my old friend (or foe).  It blistered almost immediately. On the psych ward I only had access to boiling water, so the wounds weren’t so bad. Now that I’m home with my usual means, this could get out off hand again.  I had psychology today, but I didn’t tell her.  I guess I’m ashamed.

This weekend is going to be tough.  I’m home alone for the first time since attempting to end my life. I’m a little weary.  My head doesn’t do so good when I’m alone. My psycholgoist armed me with a list of numbers to call, if I’m distressed. Does that mean she doesn’t have much faith in me either? I’m seeing her again on Monday though which is good.

I’ll end this on a postive note.  I’m just back from the gym.  I achieved a PB in a 2000 m row on a Concept 2 Rower. 10 mins 22 seconds which admittidely is still quite slow but when I started 3 weeks ago it took me 11 mins 23 sec.  I’d love to hear your times if you’ve done it.  Lifes not about getting there fast, it’s just about getting there.

I didn’t want to go to the gym, but I made myself.  I’m practising being compassionate which isn’t just about being nice all the time, it’s also about giving yourself a good talking to when you need it. I’m glad I went.

Loopy x.

 

 

136.A quivering lip that melts my heart.

As we pulled up to the nursery Little man was in good spirits. He clasped my hand as I led him into the toddler room.  Then it happened.  His little bottom lip turned out and quivered.  His eyes filled with tears as he saw me abandoning him, and my heart broke!

These are the moments that torture me.  Guilt swells from the pit of my stomach, and it crushes me, just a little more each time.

I want to be his caregiver, fun provider, story teller, dance partner, wrestling companion, mess making comrade, snuggle monster, and best friend, but our world is such that I have to work, and it’s killing me.

Loopy x.

135. A self harm replacement.

I’ve realised today that I’m becoming a little obsessed with the gym. It’s my self harm replacement; at least for now.  I didn’t go yesterday and I felt disgusting.  I guess it’s giving me, what self harm used to.  I get a little endorphin rush, followed by calmness and fatigue.  I don’t quite get the same pain rush though, and I don’t get to care for myself afterwards in the same way.  My psychologist is training me to be compassionate towards myself in healthy ways.  I’ve just realised that the only times I’ve really showed myself compassion, is when caring for my burns.

I got quite good at it.  I had too.  Some NHS staff aren’t quite so understanding when you present with self inflicted injuries.  I can vividly remember a paramedic who scorned at me once; “Well you’re not doing a very good job are you!!!” I’d presented to a wlk in centre with an infected wound, racing heart and potential sepsis, so they rang an ambulance.

I don’t think I’ll be able to stave off self harm for much longer.  I’m really craving it.  Life’s becoming stressful again, and it’s my coping mechanism.

The results of OH’S father’s angiogram have come back, and it’s not good news. He needs bypass surgery.  OH is visibly worried and at the moment I’m an emotional vacum, unable to give him what he needs.

Loopy x.

 

134. A horrible commute.

It’s no wonder really; that I burned out.  Working full time, commuting everyday with Little man on trains at rush hour and having absolutely no support outside myself and OH.  I did the commute again this morning to ease Little man back into nursery.  I’m already exhausted and I’m not yet back at work. I walk approx 4 miles everyday, just to go from my door to my office and home again.  It doesn’t sound like much but one of those miles is up hill, pushing a heavy toddler, often in darkness with pouring rain and gusting winds. Those are the days, that I long to be able to drive.   One thing is for sure, I 100% cannot go back full time.  I’ll burn out again by Christmas.

I didn’t sleep last night at all.  Honestly, I was awake until at least 4am and then it was broken.  Something needs to be done about my inability to sleep.  I can’t continue feeling like this.

Loopy x