I took a shower today at 12.15 after bashing a new ball (loaned by lovely staff member) of the wall for a while. Taking a shower these days is actually quite the achievement. From around 12.40 I’ve been trying to get a staff member to allow me access to the obs room so I can dress the burns on my arms. It took until 13.45 for that to happen. I went to the nurses station but was told “just go find a member of staff”. There are none!!!!!
I’ve not yet been able to get a hairdryer so my hair has dried unsightly. I was supposed to go out with OH at 2.00, I’ve told him to hold off until 2.30. I still don’t think I’ll have been able to sort my hair by then. Thus I can’t go. I’m too unsightly in this state. Right now I want to smash every window in the place and tell all the staff (with 2 exceptions) to go F&^K themselves. I hate how I look and you’ve made that worse today.
This is not a place of healing…………
I woke up around 5.45, dozed a little here and there; but with the intrusive checks, rising light and the noises of an awakening psych ward I cannot sleep.
It’s just after 9.00am, I’ve reluctantly dragged myself to the dining area to pick up yet another pale cold soggy piece of toast. I’m tired both emotionally and physically. My arm is sore from previous episodes of self inflicted damage. I feel defeated and I honestly don’t know how to get through today.
I’ve just self harmed. I’ve had a pretty horrible day to be fair and I’ve botted Wilson once more beyond our walls. Need to order more footballs. This self harm is minor though, it could have been much worse.
My mood today hit (wanted to tie a liguature around my neck) rock bottom. I crashed big time. Had a panic attack, and just an overwhelming urge to self harm, but to do so badly. I did though seek some help eventually and they did settle me with compassion and drugs.
I’m glad this day is nearly over, but now I’m gutted I broke a promise to myself.
OH was waiting at the ward door. We’d arranged to go out to the cinema today.
“Are you feeling ok?” the nurse asked before I left.
“Yes all good”; i replied, but it was a lie. I’m not feeling o.k today.
We didn’t go to the cinema, we walked around some shops instead. OH yawned endlessly. I could tell he didn’t want to be walking around with me. He’s growing ever more tired of me. I could barely talk to him. There was this awkward tension between us. We went to get something to eat. I couldn’t sit. We had to go. I felt really anxious amongst the crowds of Saturday shoppers. I do get occasional social anxiety but today it was really bad.
I think the drugs are making me worse! Now I need to burn but I promised myself I wouldn’t do that today.
I need to talk to someone.
Today my heart aches. Today I miss my son. Today all I want to do is hug him, play with him and tell him that I love him. Today I want to be his Mum.
I’ve cried a river this morning longing for my little man, though the waves of self doubt and guilt also flowed. I had a good chat with a fantastic staff member, and I’m so grateful for that space today. I needed to talk and today I could. She settled me and supportively challenged my perceptions of myself. I would have burned, I needed to; but she rode that wave with me and it passed.
Today I want to get better, for me and for my family. . My goal today is to not self harm.