415. A better place.

I don’t precisely know why, but I’m feeling better. I think my combo of meds is working.  I think the good weather is uplifting and I think I’m gaining confidence with little man. 
I need now to wean off my zopiclone and diazepam but I’ve been doing it slowly since coming home from hospital.  I’ve not self harmed in ages, and I’ve not been purging anywhere near as much as usual.

I’m just in a better place, and it feels good.  I hope I can sustain this and have more good days  

Now if I could only sort out my sleep. The meds combo is working during the day, but oh my word I’m having night terrors! and incredibly scratchy painful dry eyes.

One day at a time Loopy.  You’ll read this saying alot as it is my new mantra.

Loopy x

405. Hello buddy.

I’m still on a psych ward. I’m still feeling suicidal and I’m still struggling with facing up to all my little demons.

Covid 19 has been tough on me, with no visits allowed.  I’ve not held or played with little man in weeks.  I feel so guilty for dumping him again.  I feel so scared about mapping out a future that will not damage him.  Some days I doubt my love foe him.  Some days I want to give him back, but everyday from in here i face time with hum.

“Hello buddy” 

And I do it because I want him to know I love him, and that I’m trying to be better for him. 

There is a long and difficult path ahead for us as a little family.  It’s one tonight, that I want to run from.  I want to ligature, but no loopy, not tonight.  Fight for your little man.  Fight for what could be fun fullfilling future for you all.

Come on Loopy, no more “setbacks” please.

Loopy x

399. It’s all go!!

I’m on a psych ward, eyeing up ligature points, and trying to find a gap to do it.

OH has done his back in.
Sis in law is away into labour…. and did someone mention a wee virus floating about.

I’m so fucking selfish. I want to hang. I want to pass out and not wake up.
There are two many things to solve and I’m making no progress here.

Although they do keep me rather sedated.  Yup give the addict yet more pills!!! That will help, NOT!

Loopy x

396. Afraid off my own child.

I’m afraid of failing him.

I’m afraid of damaging him.

I’m afraid of not loving him.

I’m afraid of my coldness towards him.

I’m afraid of spending time together.

I’m afraid I’m going to break him.

I’m afraid his head will grow like mine, full off demons and self doubts.

I’m afraid I’m no good for him.

I’m afraid off it all, and I want to run away.

What a horrible selfish bitch of a mother I am.

I don’t deserve him, and he certainly deserves better than me.

Loopy x

379. Dad

My sister has phoned me several times this past few days.  She’s not allowed to ring me; “don’t dare tell mum, she’ll kill me” 

Apparently I’m too fragile to cope with this, but as fucked up my relationship with big sis is can be… come on we’re sisters, so we tell each other (almost) everything…..

It turns out that Dad is really depressed, proper won’t get out of bed, won’t talk, won’t lift his head from his hands depressed.  And mum, well, mum is in denial, or incapable of doing anything supportive.  She’ll be angry at him and will interrogate with the venum of a python, and he will shut down, and wimpwr like captured prey.  The tension (the same tension that filled our childhoods) will be palpable, as they sit in separate rooms, refusing as always to support each other, show love for each other, or ffs learn a way to tolerate each other.

Myself and sis are scared.  Twice this week dad has driven off for hours, and he confessed that ” he doesn’t get on with anyone anymore”  He’s feeling suicidal, but I’m not supposed to know. 

He’s had lows before, that sis and I picked up on, but they’d usually resolve with a little time. He’s prone to fall8ng out with ppl and when he does, he doesn’t cope well. But this episode is much more serious. Something is wrong but he won’t say what.

How do I help him, or help mum to help him, if I’m not supposed to know.  This is my family ladies and gentlemen.  No communication, no acceptance that sis and I are adults that could help, but most off all…. No no no NO to disclosure, “oh my god what would everybody think of us?” 

Loopy x.

368. Big Monster Coming!!!

Little man is currently obsessed with 2 things; transformers and monsters.

Every evening when I get home from work, I’m taken by the hand, dragged upstairs and I’m instructed to RUN!; “RUN MAMMY…RUN…BIG MONSTER COMING!!!

Little man pulls off all manner of robot like moves as he frantically fights and shoots at this terrible thing, protecting Mammy at all costs, whilst barking instructions!

40 minutes later, exhausted and even sweaty, I gaze into my little man’s eyes, kiss him on the forehead, and tuck him in tightly, knowing in my heart, that despite our struggles and upheavel; My little man is my greatest achievement, and he deserves all the effort and love I can muster.

The nieghbours must think we’re bonkers, but i dont care. I love you little man……

Loopy x

330. Welcomed with open arms.

I feel almost whole again. I attribute far too much self worth to my career, but oh my word, I’m happy to be back at work.

I’ve just completed day two off my new job, and the staff could not have been any friendlier. I feel instantly at home, which is a huge relief.

The pressure will start to kick in next week when the students arrive. I will quickly assume senior level responsibilities but I’m hopeful that I’ll cope.

Loopy x