I’m not the only one in this house who suffers from depression. This past few years, I’ve probably made things all about me. I’ve been the one in and out of hospital. I’ve been the one who cries, complains off stress, anxiety and unstable moods. I’ve been the one under the care of a community team (well I used to be.. I couldn’t call it “care” over here).
The reality, one that I’ve known for some time is that it’s not just me who suffers. OH has struggled too since the arrival of little man. OH is always tired, distant and short tempered. His mood affects mine, and more worryingly our moods affect little man. OH snaps and swears and withdraws. He exhibits most off my symptoms.
It’s not fair on him, it’s not fair on me and it’s not fair on little man.
I’ve been selfish, but if we’re to survive as a family, it’s time we addressed the elephant in the room.
I’ve been struggling. In truth I’m stressed with work,and when I’m stressed, I quickly lose my ability to cope.
OH is working a long day, so it’s just been me and little man. I found it hard to cope. I shoved my eyepad before his eye as much as I could. I avoided him, I grew frustrated with him, and in turn he grew whiney, and clingy.
Its not his fault, it’s mine. So this evening I’ve given in to temptation, I’ve done what I needed to do, to get me through today.
It hurts now. Why do I do this to myself.
I don’t precisely know why, but I’m feeling better. I think my combo of meds is working. I think the good weather is uplifting and I think I’m gaining confidence with little man.
I need now to wean off my zopiclone and diazepam but I’ve been doing it slowly since coming home from hospital. I’ve not self harmed in ages, and I’ve not been purging anywhere near as much as usual.
I’m just in a better place, and it feels good. I hope I can sustain this and have more good days
Now if I could only sort out my sleep. The meds combo is working during the day, but oh my word I’m having night terrors! and incredibly scratchy painful dry eyes.
One day at a time Loopy. You’ll read this saying alot as it is my new mantra.
I’m still on a psych ward. I’m still feeling suicidal and I’m still struggling with facing up to all my little demons.
Covid 19 has been tough on me, with no visits allowed. I’ve not held or played with little man in weeks. I feel so guilty for dumping him again. I feel so scared about mapping out a future that will not damage him. Some days I doubt my love foe him. Some days I want to give him back, but everyday from in here i face time with hum.
And I do it because I want him to know I love him, and that I’m trying to be better for him.
There is a long and difficult path ahead for us as a little family. It’s one tonight, that I want to run from. I want to ligature, but no loopy, not tonight. Fight for your little man. Fight for what could be fun fullfilling future for you all.
Come on Loopy, no more “setbacks” please.
I’m on a psych ward, eyeing up ligature points, and trying to find a gap to do it.
OH has done his back in.
Sis in law is away into labour…. and did someone mention a wee virus floating about.
I’m so fucking selfish. I want to hang. I want to pass out and not wake up.
There are two many things to solve and I’m making no progress here.
Although they do keep me rather sedated. Yup give the addict yet more pills!!! That will help, NOT!
I’m afraid of failing him.
I’m afraid of damaging him.
I’m afraid of not loving him.
I’m afraid of my coldness towards him.
I’m afraid of spending time together.
I’m afraid I’m going to break him.
I’m afraid his head will grow like mine, full off demons and self doubts.
I’m afraid I’m no good for him.
I’m afraid off it all, and I want to run away.
What a horrible selfish bitch of a mother I am.
I don’t deserve him, and he certainly deserves better than me.
My sister has phoned me several times this past few days. She’s not allowed to ring me; “don’t dare tell mum, she’ll kill me”
Apparently I’m too fragile to cope with this, but as fucked up my relationship with big sis is can be… come on we’re sisters, so we tell each other (almost) everything…..
It turns out that Dad is really depressed, proper won’t get out of bed, won’t talk, won’t lift his head from his hands depressed. And mum, well, mum is in denial, or incapable of doing anything supportive. She’ll be angry at him and will interrogate with the venum of a python, and he will shut down, and wimpwr like captured prey. The tension (the same tension that filled our childhoods) will be palpable, as they sit in separate rooms, refusing as always to support each other, show love for each other, or ffs learn a way to tolerate each other.
Myself and sis are scared. Twice this week dad has driven off for hours, and he confessed that ” he doesn’t get on with anyone anymore” He’s feeling suicidal, but I’m not supposed to know.
He’s had lows before, that sis and I picked up on, but they’d usually resolve with a little time. He’s prone to fall8ng out with ppl and when he does, he doesn’t cope well. But this episode is much more serious. Something is wrong but he won’t say what.
How do I help him, or help mum to help him, if I’m not supposed to know. This is my family ladies and gentlemen. No communication, no acceptance that sis and I are adults that could help, but most off all…. No no no NO to disclosure, “oh my god what would everybody think of us?”
Little man is currently obsessed with 2 things; transformers and monsters.
Every evening when I get home from work, I’m taken by the hand, dragged upstairs and I’m instructed to RUN!; “RUN MAMMY…RUN…BIG MONSTER COMING!!!
Little man pulls off all manner of robot like moves as he frantically fights and shoots at this terrible thing, protecting Mammy at all costs, whilst barking instructions!
40 minutes later, exhausted and even sweaty, I gaze into my little man’s eyes, kiss him on the forehead, and tuck him in tightly, knowing in my heart, that despite our struggles and upheavel; My little man is my greatest achievement, and he deserves all the effort and love I can muster.
The nieghbours must think we’re bonkers, but i dont care. I love you little man……
I feel almost whole again. I attribute far too much self worth to my career, but oh my word, I’m happy to be back at work.
I’ve just completed day two off my new job, and the staff could not have been any friendlier. I feel instantly at home, which is a huge relief.
The pressure will start to kick in next week when the students arrive. I will quickly assume senior level responsibilities but I’m hopeful that I’ll cope.
I’m harsh on my parents if truth be told. They never did ’emotions”. I blame my upbringing to some degree for my current emotional instability, but I do know that they loved us.
They would show this love, not through hugs and kisses, not through hours of play or help with homework, or encouraging pats on the back, but oh my word at Christmas!! We were spoiled at Christmas, ruined in fact. Our living room floor would mimic a toy store. My parents were never rich. They worked long hours for minimum pay, and would have to scrimp and borrow, but at Christmas, myself and my sister would have all the must have toys, gizmos and gadgets. I can recall that one year, Santa even brought a horse!!
And to this day, that’s how love is shown. Tonight my mum secretly handed me a wad of cash. A thick wad, that I know she can’t afford.
I took it though (albeit uncomfortably) because I now know what it stands for. She’s proud of my new job, of my latest achievement and in her own unique way, she loves me.
I only wish she could just say those words.