I’m almost too tired to blog. Today has been a rollercoaster.
Little man started preschool, we had a meeting with our health visitor and then to top it off we had a social services assessment with my new care co-ordinatior from the CMHT team in tow. Oh yes another new fecking care co-ordinator! I’d only met my latest one for the first time yesterday to then be immediately told, ‘oh you’ll have someone different from tomorrow.’ I nearly walked out the door right then..
I’ll never have them back, and I need to let them go, but oh my god, I miss L and C. The ladies who co-ordinated my care before we moved home to fix our lives. FFS Loopy, move on, it’s been more than a year!!
The lady from SS was lovely to be fair but jeepers it was quite in depth. She arrived and 3.30 and wasn’t gone til near 6.
Now we have the age old question to think about, by Monday. ‘What would help you?’
I’m not the only one in this house who suffers from depression. This past few years, I’ve probably made things all about me. I’ve been the one in and out of hospital. I’ve been the one who cries, complains off stress, anxiety and unstable moods. I’ve been the one under the care of a community team (well I used to be.. I couldn’t call it “care” over here).
The reality, one that I’ve known for some time is that it’s not just me who suffers. OH has struggled too since the arrival of little man. OH is always tired, distant and short tempered. His mood affects mine, and more worryingly our moods affect little man. OH snaps and swears and withdraws. He exhibits most off my symptoms.
It’s not fair on him, it’s not fair on me and it’s not fair on little man.
I’ve been selfish, but if we’re to survive as a family, it’s time we addressed the elephant in the room.
I’ve been struggling. In truth I’m stressed with work,and when I’m stressed, I quickly lose my ability to cope.
OH is working a long day, so it’s just been me and little man. I found it hard to cope. I shoved my eyepad before his eye as much as I could. I avoided him, I grew frustrated with him, and in turn he grew whiney, and clingy.
Its not his fault, it’s mine. So this evening I’ve given in to temptation, I’ve done what I needed to do, to get me through today.
I don’t precisely know why, but I’m feeling better. I think my combo of meds is working. I think the good weather is uplifting and I think I’m gaining confidence with little man. I need now to wean off my zopiclone and diazepam but I’ve been doing it slowly since coming home from hospital. I’ve not self harmed in ages, and I’ve not been purging anywhere near as much as usual.
I’m just in a better place, and it feels good. I hope I can sustain this and have more good days
Now if I could only sort out my sleep. The meds combo is working during the day, but oh my word I’m having night terrors! and incredibly scratchy painful dry eyes.
One day at a time Loopy. You’ll read this saying alot as it is my new mantra.
I’m still on a psych ward. I’m still feeling suicidal and I’m still struggling with facing up to all my little demons.
Covid 19 has been tough on me, with no visits allowed. I’ve not held or played with little man in weeks. I feel so guilty for dumping him again. I feel so scared about mapping out a future that will not damage him. Some days I doubt my love foe him. Some days I want to give him back, but everyday from in here i face time with hum.
And I do it because I want him to know I love him, and that I’m trying to be better for him.
There is a long and difficult path ahead for us as a little family. It’s one tonight, that I want to run from. I want to ligature, but no loopy, not tonight. Fight for your little man. Fight for what could be fun fullfilling future for you all.
My sister has phoned me several times this past few days. She’s not allowed to ring me; “don’t dare tell mum, she’ll kill me”
Apparently I’m too fragile to cope with this, but as fucked up my relationship with big sis is can be… come on we’re sisters, so we tell each other (almost) everything…..
It turns out that Dad is really depressed, proper won’t get out of bed, won’t talk, won’t lift his head from his hands depressed. And mum, well, mum is in denial, or incapable of doing anything supportive. She’ll be angry at him and will interrogate with the venum of a python, and he will shut down, and wimpwr like captured prey. The tension (the same tension that filled our childhoods) will be palpable, as they sit in separate rooms, refusing as always to support each other, show love for each other, or ffs learn a way to tolerate each other.
Myself and sis are scared. Twice this week dad has driven off for hours, and he confessed that ” he doesn’t get on with anyone anymore” He’s feeling suicidal, but I’m not supposed to know.
He’s had lows before, that sis and I picked up on, but they’d usually resolve with a little time. He’s prone to fall8ng out with ppl and when he does, he doesn’t cope well. But this episode is much more serious. Something is wrong but he won’t say what.
How do I help him, or help mum to help him, if I’m not supposed to know. This is my family ladies and gentlemen. No communication, no acceptance that sis and I are adults that could help, but most off all…. No no no NO to disclosure, “oh my god what would everybody think of us?”