I’m booked in to deliver baby on Sept 22nd. I’m not ready! I’m freaking out! I don’t want to do this!
I’ve been prepping. Washing little mans old baby clothes, buying new stuff, sorting a crib, new car seat, cleaning our old travel system, buying little toys, food prep essentials, cute blankets, cute hats and off course hospital bag essentials. You’d think this would bring me some joy, some excitement, anything….. but it doesn’t. I’m like a robot going through the drill, but I’m really dreading it all. Right now I want him out of my belly, but not back to my house. How awful is that?
I’ve had multiple scans and I fight back tears at every single one. I look at the screen but I don’t want to. I listen to the doc explain positions, heartbeat and healthy signs but I just want them to shut up.
I don’t want to be a mum anymore. I just don’t think I can. I’m exhausted, I’m scared and I’m not ready.
I’ve always loved dogs. I’ve really missed not having one. They’re so adorable and therapeutic. I’m also impulsive and a little obsessive. I get an idea in my head and can’t let it go until I’ve bought it. Yup you’ve guessed it. Say hi to Murphy……
He’s an 8 week old Jack Russell and we’re all totally in love with him, myself, OH and little man.
We all do it, don’t we?? I read somewhere once that if you creep on peoples Facebook pages, you’ll pop up in their friend suggestions. I don’t know if that’s true or not. If it is I’ll be popping up in a couple soon.
I’m feeling a little bit down and emotional tonight, and I don’t know why, as I had a good day. Sometimes when I’m feeling down I think about people who have helped me in the past. It’s partly because I’d like to know how they’re doing and partly because I’d just love the chance to be able to talk to them again.
I’m not creeping or stalking, more reminiscing, and just wanting to see those friendly faces. So if I do pop up in someone’s friend suggestion, I promise, it only means that you were very very important to me and helped me immensely when I needed it most. I miss you (and this is a plural you). It takes many awesome teams to put a person back together.
Guinea pigs!!! Betty’s a boy, oh and a bad boy he is too!
We’ve gone from owning 3 guinea pigs to 9!! Thelma and Louise are doing well though, happy mums.
There must be something in the air. Myself and OH have had some relationship difficulties over the years, difficulties that have knocked both his and my self confidence. I even purchased little blue pills to see if that would help. We’ve never tried them.
This last few weeks though, oh boy!!! Think Greys Anatomy on call rooms, think Bridgerton, think back to the very very beginning off a relationship when you simply can’t keep your hands off each other.
It’s doing wonders for my self esteem!! He’s cut out evening junk food, favouring a coffee instead but apart from that, who knows. We’re not sure what exactly has changed, but we’ve definitely reconnected.
My family came to visit us today. Mum, Dad, my sister and her 3 children. It was nice seeing them but………
Here’s an insight into why I’m ^damaged^
I bring out shortbread to go with their cups off tea. Mum looks at the packet, turns to me and says; “aw, sure they’re not Scottish*. 1st disapproval off the day.
Later the kiddos had lunch and chocolate cake. The floor a mess, I take out our broom. Mum takes it, sweeps one stroke; “you think you’d buy a decent brush’ 2nd disapproval of the day.
A little while later I give my sister the grand tour. As she’s coming down the stairs she remarks “oh I love your Garland. Mum quickly pipes up; ^sure there’s not even any lights on it!”
There we have it folks, the trifecta. I could go on with the negative gripes that spewed today, but I can’t be arsed. Sometimes I’m accused of black and white thinking, but honestly folks if she had muttered even just the slightest off positive remarks, I’d shout it from the friggin tree tops! Not my Mum, not now, not ever.
It was still nice seeing them all though. I can manage a day, just about
I’m almost too tired to blog. Today has been a rollercoaster.
Little man started preschool, we had a meeting with our health visitor and then to top it off we had a social services assessment with my new care co-ordinatior from the CMHT team in tow. Oh yes another new fecking care co-ordinator! I’d only met my latest one for the first time yesterday to then be immediately told, ‘oh you’ll have someone different from tomorrow.’ I nearly walked out the door right then..
I’ll never have them back, and I need to let them go, but oh my god, I miss L and C. The ladies who co-ordinated my care before we moved home to fix our lives. FFS Loopy, move on, it’s been more than a year!!
The lady from SS was lovely to be fair but jeepers it was quite in depth. She arrived and 3.30 and wasn’t gone til near 6.
Now we have the age old question to think about, by Monday. ‘What would help you?’