307. Our first day alone.

Today was my first day alone with little man (since our move home) as OH began his new job. Grandparents were also away, so it was a true test of my abilities.

I’m very very relieved, to report that we had fun. His tantrums didn’t rock me and his smiles and laughter filled my heart with joy.

Today was a good mood dat, and on those days I’m in control, I’m confident and I’m fun. I only wish that every day could be a good mood day.

Loopy x

306. Conspiring against me.

OH has been moody all day. He dropped his parents at the airport this morning, and since then he’s shut down.

Here’s what I think. I think his parents took this opportunity to grill him on how useless I am. I think they’ve noticed that I’ve not been pulling my weight lately. I think they’ve asked him to really consider our relationship. I think they’ve presented him with better options.

I think they hate me, and why wouldn’t they?

Loopy x

304. I hate it here!

Let’s be honest, moving home was never going to be some miraculous cure, some magic spell that cures me off my demons. I’d hoped however that it would improve my support system, improve my feelings off isolation and provide me with a sense of belonging. It hasn’t worked. Today I cried uncontrollably. I’m not coping, nor am I getting any respite or independence.

Today I wanted to retreat to the garage, and end it once and for all. My little stash of propranolol was crying out to be consumed. I even rang my new CPN, but she wasn’t available and by the time she returned my call, I couldn’t talk. I have no space here to express my emotions, no space to talk confidentially, no frigging space to ease my distress with self harm. To top it all off, I’m really missing C. I wanted to phone C, I want to see C, I need C. This new CMHT are not as good.

I hate it here today.

Loopy x

303. Winding back the clock.

This one’s a little personal…

OH has always affectionately described me as “all hands”, me having the greatest our sex drives. This past year however I’ve lost my mojo, and we’ve lost our ability to connect.

Here’s the thing about depression. It robs you!! It robs you of your confidence and your energy. It robs you of your libido and your lust. It robs you off your desires and it damages your relationships.

Last night OH and I slept in my teenage bedroom. Pictures of us in our early days, full of hope and love hung selotaped to my bedroom door. Mum and Dad slept below us, mums snoring penetrating the floor boards. The old wooden bed creaked under every subtle movement, as it always did.

All off a sudden a little magic took over. We where young again, feeling the lust and excitment that embodied those two younger selves on my door. We were michevious and a little thrilled, trying desparatly not to be heard. We where in love again!!!

To be so close and intimate reminded us both of what we had, and what we must work to have again. Sex has the ability to cast off the shackles of depression. It has the ability to flood our bodies with amazing senses and our minds with an overwhelming sense of wellness.

Trust me everything, have more sex!!! There is just a little more spring in my step today 🙂

Loopy x

301. Is there a baby in there?

Thanks for that little question sis. I couldn’t believe it as those words poured from her lips. She’s knows I’m on a list of meds as long as my arm and hence would not be getting pregnant. She knows that I’m self conscious about my weight. Surely she knows better…

Well at least those words have confirmed what I already know; I’m a fat ugly mess!!!

I want to burn deep tonight. I want to swallow sleeping pills, not to die, but to dull my racing thoughts and self hatred.

I want to hit the gym!

Loopy x

297. A shock.

Today I went into work, for what was supposed to be my final time.

It was a day full of saddness and shock as myself and colleagues learned that one of our own sadly passed away last night.

The mood was understandibly low as everyone tried to process the news. She was in charge of all our labs. She was the go to person if we had issues with our practical classes, but more than this, she was a really really nice lady who has been taken far too soon.

The teaching labs will never be the same again. It really hit me though that she has left behind a grieving family. A family that would give anything to spend more time with her.

I sway back and forth on the positives and negatives of us moving back home. Today I’m grateful that I’ve resigned. I’m grateful that myself, OH and little man will spend more time with our families.

That’s what life is really about isn’t it? On our death beds, none of us will be wishing that we worked more!!!! Call the ones you love today, because tomorrow they might not be here…..

Loopy x

291. Potty training!!!

My little man asked to go Pee pee at the weekend. He’s been following Granda alot and has become interested.

Today we’ve set up his potty, stripped his bottom bare and now we’re running after him with paper towels at the ready.

We’ve had several puddles on the floor, but he definitely does like his new potty (the built in flush sound is a hit)

Watch this space. I’ll post what I’ve learned from the experience if this go is successful. We really haven’t a clue what we’re doing. I’ve only ever trained puppies. Little people are a whole other prospect.

Loopy x