493. I’m bringing sexy back!!

Oh sweet jesus, I’m literally about to explode! I’ve like 8 weeks still to go!!!

Everything hurts and I mean EVERYTHING!!

I’ve had 2 iron infusions for my anaemia but I’m not feeling any benefit. I’m bloody miserable


421. A lung buster!!

I’m back on the roads, pumping pedals as hard as I can and sweating buckets!!!
I did probably 18 miles today in scorching heat.

I got stuck behind two ladies kitted in lycra and obviously road bike fanatics, and I must admit I felt a little smug being able to keep up with them.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m competitive, often to my own detriment, so let’s face it I wasn’t going to let them get out of sight!! But nonetheless it boosted my endorphins.

I know this routine by now, June, July I’ll be energised, I’ll cycle, I’ll cope and I’ll improve and then come August BLAM!!! I’ll start to crash. 

It’s a pattern, one that  I’ve never really discussed but one that is ingrained by now.

So while this lasts I’ll enjoy the little mood boosts, and continue to cycle harder and faster.

Oh by the way, I’m nearly off the zopiclone.  I’ve gone it alone (I had to!!, there’s no help here!!) and Im coping.  3.75mg / night.  This is the lowest dose I’ve been on in nearly 2 years. 

Oddly, lockdown is suiting me, I’m liking hiding away, not seeing ppl, not showering (gross I know) and lounging in football tops. I’m scared of coming out of it

Come on Loopy, keep your head up!!

Loopy x

339. An unanswered email.

I emailed C yesterday. C was my care coordinator just before, during and after my last hospital admission. I miss her terribly. Since moving home, my new team have been pretty dire. Very nice, but I’ve been promised a psychology referral since early July and they still haven’t done it. I have the same conversation over and over again, but I’m getting no support or care.

This would never happen with C. When she told me she would do something, she would do it. She made me feel properly “listened” to. She made me feel less alone.

I probably stepped over a boundary emailing her. I’ve been desperate to call her, but I’m no longer her responsibility and I guess, i thought a little email would be less intrusive. I’ll never know, if she actually saw it, or read it.

I’ve had no reply, and I’m gutted. This is most likely my BPD at work. I become reliant on people and when they’re gone, I miss them way more than I probably should.

I really really really miss her and I’m feeling lost without her

I guess I just need to learn to deal with it.

Loopy x

338. A harmless purge.

Let’s be honest. There is no such thing as a harmless purge. My scientific brain is screaming; tooth decay!! vocal chord damage!! throat sores!! bloating!! digestive problems!! bad, bad, BAD!!!

But then I look in the mirror. I see fat and buldges, and yuck! I remember all the calories I’ve binged on. I’m ugly, I’m ugly, I’m UGLY!!!!

Now my mouth is dry and sore.

Loopy x

201. Devastated.

Today I had my last home visit from my current CPN. I just about held it together. I desperately wanted to hug her as she left, but had I done so, I would have crumbled and never let her go.

It’s another devastating blow. She’s assured me that her successor is as kind and competent as she is, but I find that hard to believe.

I’m returning to work soon and I feel like I need her. Everything is changing; new psychology refferal, back to work, and now a new CPN. When your mood swings like mine does, it’s hard to cope with changes. It’s tougher still when the person you’re losing, is excellent and irreplaceable.

I’m feeling lost this evening. I’m scared and stressed and not sure if I have the strength to keep going.

I need to take my bike out.

Loopy x

196. Not coping.

God this day needs to end. I’m home alone and I don’t do so good alone.

I can’t keep doing this. The binging, the purging, the self hatred and the relentless scheduling of activities to fill my day. My head is so fuzzy and I’m so tired.

I need to knock myself out for a while, so sweet dreams people.

I honestly don’t care if tomorrow never comes. It will come though, and this hamster wheel will continue to spin.

Loopy x

190. Another loss.

My CPN is leaving and I’m gutted once again. In my last psychology session with K, we chatted about the security and continuity of having my wonderful CPN.

I can’t imagine anyone else being as good or kind. I can’t imagine building up the same rapport or trust with someone new. I’m feeling this loss as heavily as losing K.

In therapy, you’d call it “a last minute bomb”. She dropped the news near the end off our appointment today. I guess its hard on both sides.

Loopy x

186. New years hell.

I should have guessed new years eve would be hell. I hate coming home and nights like this solidify my reluctance.

It started with a simple invite. My aunt invited me up for drinks and nibbles to see in the new year. She did not invite my sister who was sat with us at the time. My mum was not quick enough to ask my sister to stay up with her and BANG!!!!

She grabbed her kids, stormed home and 2 minutes later I got the call; fuck you loopy!! FUCK YOU for ruining my new years eve!!

She rang her partner to dump him, locked all the doors in her house, screamed at her kids to come away from the windows and threatened to drink herself into a coma.

Her partner arrived a little later and we eventually got in, but I’ve never seen such rage and venum spit as she listed all the ways that we have wronged her, listed all the reasons that she hates us and we left as she began to throw keys and glass at her partner.

The saddest thing was seeing her young daughter in floods of tears trying to make sense of everything and us not being allowed to comfort her.

My sister has a mental illness that she refuses to accept or own.

I want to flee here now, never to come back. I can’t watch my mum and dad in floods of tears as my sister threatens to take her kids away forever. I can’t cope with the instability and the chaos.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

Loopy x

182. Christmas Eve.

I’ve never felt so flat at Christmas. I’ve never felt so isolated and alone. I’ve just come back from a 17.5 km bike ride to clear my head. It hasn’t worked.

We’re not doing Christmas tomorrow as OH is working all day. I’m going to be alone with little man. I know I’m not the only one who will find tomorrow tough so I’m sending hugs to all off you.

I’m going home on the 27th and I don’t want to. I don’t want to be here in 2019. I’m on 3 different meds, I’m exercising and I’m trying. But it’s not working and I’m tired.

Loopy x

179. A sucker punch to the gut.

Today I had my last psychology session and now I can’t stop crying. I’m not ready to say good bye.

K has been my one constant through everything. I first met her on the psych ward, and I liked her instantly. It has always taken me multiple sessions to “click” with a therapist, but not with K. Her warmth and kindness swept up my broken shell, and for those one hour sessions I was cacooned in a place of safety, a place where my thoughts and feelings mattered, a place where I could let my demons roam without fear off judgement or rejection.

K has been my advocate, my champion and my rock. K is the type of person everyone needs in their life. She got me, in a way that no one else has ever done.

She’d admit herself that we’re quite similar characters and had we met through different circumstances we could have been good friends.

I’m feeling this loss heavily. I’m feeling vulnerable without her, and honestly it feels like someone who I really care about has died.

I guess I now need to learn to navigate this world without her, and put into practice all the things we worked on.

She’d want me to take care off myself this evening, so I will try.

Loopy x.