254. Running Away

I wan’t to run. I wan’t to turn my back on England and all the mysery it has brought me and run!!!! Our landlord is forcing us to move out and yesterday I reciveved a message completely out of the blue, from an old friend who has informed me that his institution back in Ireland are recruiting lecturers. Last week I spoke with my CPN about giving up on everything here and running, and now I’m seeing “signs” that maybe its time to do just that.

Is it crazy to make such decisions now, when I’m so medicated, irrational, depressed and scared. Ireland has a different pace of life, I have family there, support there. I am more comfortable with its schooling system and ways. Would moving home help fix me??? This job is still a 4 hour drive from “home” but at least its the same flipping island. They could visit us, and we could visit them much more easily. Little man could get to know his cousins.

What would OH do? Should we live apart for a while? Would it just bring me the same mysery but in a different city. Should I just face the fact that life is not for me and end it?

I’ve spent today updating my CV.

I really don’t know what to do!!!! I’m sure I won’t secure the job anyway, but its forcing me to think and its stressing me out…………………………

Loopy x.

245. Setting goals.

“I don’t know”

Its probably a bad sign when your CPN utters these words But she did, several times today. They don’t know what to do with me. She’s going to arrange a psych review because in her words “3 heads are better than one”

I’m lost, I’m tired, and I’m scared. I need reassurance, not doubts. Everyone keeps asking me what is happy loopy like? What does happy loopy do? I don’t know!!!

What do you hope to get out of treatment? What are your goals??? Again I don’t know!!! The only thing I know, is that I’m desperanely sad, desperately lonely and I’m using self destructive behaviours in an attempt to cope.

Where on earth do I go from here? Should I quit my job? Should I move back home? Should I part ways with OH or should I just quit life. Accept that it’s not meant for me, and bid farewell to this torture for good.

Right now, I should stop being a selfish cow, and I should offer comfort to OH. His Dad is currently on an operat8ng table in a different country, undergoing major bypass surgery, and it’s lasting longer than expected.

Get a grip loopy!!

Loopy x

206. The plan.

Tonight my brain is working overdrive. There is now a plan in place for my return to work. I’m going back next Thursday 31st Jan with a 9.30 am start.

I will work 1 day next week, 2 days the following and gradually build up to 4 days per week.

In terms of days worked I now need to try and change little mans days at nursery. I didn’t get the Tuesdays off I was hoping for. There are reasons for this that I can accept, but it probably means losing out on the toddler group unless they can accimadatw me on another day.

I’m trying to be optimistic this evening. I’m telling myself that this is a positive step. Work will give me a focus, give me another reason to get up in the morning. Work will give me back adult conversations and a sense of status. I used to be proud of what I do.

Am I scared?; YES!

Am I catastrophising? YES

Am I fit to return?; only time will tell.

Can I do this?; Both K and CPN would gently stroke my arm and say YES. It has to be YES. There’s no going back now.

Loopy x

174. Nervous.

Tomorrow I’m going against every fibre in my being. All I wasn’t to do is hide away.

Tomorrow I’m braving a toddler group and I’m bricking it! I was supposed to be met outside, but a phoncall confirmed that my hand holder would in fact be late. I’m trying to be positive but my head has filled with fears;

The other woman will stare at me and mock me behind my back for looking like crap.

They’ll have there own alrezdy established impenetrable cliques.

No one will talk to me.

I’ll struggle to help littleman with any activities due to my crap sight or worse I’ll lose him in the room

Little man won’t play nice, will likely poop and throw a tantrum at something. I’m worried he’ll make a scene.

Wish me luck I guess, if I don’t bottle it. I said I’d go, and a nurse is coming for my benefit so I guess I can’t bottle it.

Loopy x

161. A black fog.

A black fog has descended and brought with it dark thoughts. Everything seems bleak. I don’t want to leave my house, don’t want to interact with others and don’t want to talk anymore.

I am still going out (got little man a haircut today), I am interacting (lots of appountments) I guess and as for talking; I’ll try, I really will.

The term “high functioning” was used in psychology today. Is that what you call someone who’s outwardly “living” but inwardly “dying”?

Loopy x

103. Reality check.

I’m getting out of here on Wed and I’m not ready.  The reason I’m not ready has hit me like a ton of bricks.  My relationship is broken. I can’t go back to my life the way it was before.  I shoulder all the responsabilities in our lives, I pay all the bills, do everything of importance with little man, do all the worrying about rent, and utilities and Christmas gifts and family phonecalls and trips out and nights in and basically every little thing in our lives is managed by me, and I can’t do it anymore. I have a stressful job, I can’t drive which only adds to my daily stress. I commute with a screaming toddler on rush hour trains and I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE.

When I pass off some of the tasks they don’t get done.  19 months I’ve been hassling OH to sort out childcare vouchers and the deadline is Oct 4th and he still hasn’t done it!!.  Over two years I’ve been bugging OH to make a GP appointment because he is always tired and esentially absent from our lives and HE STILL HASN’T DONE IT. I’m so lonely at times….

I don’t want to go back.  Tonight the ill side of my brain is telling me to try and hang myself so that they’ll keep me here longer.  How messed up is that!!!!!!  I’m feeling suicidal because the thought of facing all the problems that are on the outside terrifes me.  There is too much stress in my life, too much respoonsability, too much hardship trying to cope with everything with a visual impairment, too much self loathing of how I look which OH has contributed to through is absence in our relationship, and I’m petrified that little man may have ASD.  I can’t drive him to appointments or to creche or to where ever he needs to go.  So I’ll have to walk in pouring rain and gusting winds, brave public transport and basically just muddle through like I always do.  I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE…………………………

What the hell do I do now????

Loopy x.

101. Little Man

Today only one thing is occupying my thoughts; My little man.  I’m going to see him tomorrow for the first time in around 4 weeks and I should be feeling excited but my heart is filled with dread.

What kind of mother fears seeing her own child?  I’m worried that he won’t come to me, that he’ll have forgotten me or worst still that I won’t be able to tolerate his company. This is the first time seeing him, since my family reaffirmed my ASD suspicions.  My mother had his hair cut in a style I do not like and he has changed so much since I last saw him.

He’s a proper little heart breaker though; blond hair, chubby cheeks and a cheeky little face. How do I stop myself looking for symptoms and just enjoy the company of my beatiful little boy?

How will I cope if he has one of those tantrums that he often threw on our commute to work?

I’m consumed with guilt for abandoning him this past few weeks and for not missing him this past few days.

Tomorrow is a big day.

Loopy x.