Tag: self destruction

387. Monday.

I have a work thing after work on Monday. I’m staying in a hotel after.

I think it’s time now, time to put an end to all this. I think, I’m just broken and I can’t be fixed.

I’m pale and ugly and useless. I’m out off control. I’m a drug addict. I’m stressed, I’m lonely, I’m horrible to live with, I’m done.

I know OH and little man love me. I know I have friends and family who care. I know this is selfish, and devastating and cruel……….but I can’t go on like this. I need it all to stop. I need to take control…. I love them too, and god I hope they’ll be ok.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,

Monday……..

Loopy x

360. Ground zero.

I’ve crashed, I’ve crumbled and I’m struggling. I’ve had a few good weeks if truth be told. I should have documented those few highs.

Now though, I’m almost done, I’m home, proper home, but I can’t hack it. It’s too loud, too emotional, and too draining. I’m also on a dose reduction regimen with the zopiclone. Combining that with a home visit was a bad idea.

I love them all, don’t get me wrong. But I just can’t cope here. I’m in the depths of hopelessness and I don’t really understand why.

God I hate the lows. I hate the terminology, but I really am “emotionally unstable”

Loopy x

341. Flumps

I love flumps. I’ve enjoyed them since childhood. Today however, flumps are proving quite troublesome. For those of you unsure, flumps are marshmallow logs, that are bloomin delicious.

I enjoy them immensely but like many sweet treats, soon after consumption, the guilt and self loathing sets in.

I’m purging again. I need to, I’m grotesque. If you’re suffering from disordered eating and purging, I have a word of warning for you…..

Flumps FLOAT!!!!!!!, making them very difficult to flush 😦

Loopy x

320. It crackled and fizzed.

It has been quite a while now since I’ve held hot irons against my arm, but I could hold it off no longer, and tonight the little sounds created by melting flesh, where my reward. The pain, too, brings a sort of comfort that I still don’t fully understand.

My current meds regimen is as follows;

Venlafaxine am 75mg, quietiapine pm 300mg, mirtazapine pm 30mg, zopiclone (self medicating) pm 7.5mg, orlistat (self medicating) with meals 120mg. I should also be taking propranolol 20 mg twice a day, but I’m not. I’m stock piling, I guess it’s a kind of back up plan. Enough off that and my heart will stop!!!

I need to talk to someone, but there’s no one to listen.

Loopy x.

305. I’ve ordered pills.

As part off today’s spending spree which includes a bike light, toothbrush heads, and charcoal toothpaste, I’ve also ordered zopiclone.

I can’t fully explain why I’ve bought them. I just know that I’ve been craving their sedation and I can’t resist the urge any longer. I’m not coping.. I guess today’s actions are proof of that.

I’m losing control….

Damn it Loopy!!! Now where’s that safety plan of yours??!!!

Loopy x