What really happens in somones head?
Admission to a psych hospital and beyond; my personal depression experience.
I met with the crisis team today. I’ll be honest I favoured the possibility of a hospital admission. It was an option, but instead we opted for home treatment.
I now have a 24hr number that I can call, I’ll get a phone call in the morning and an appointment tomorrow.
All I have to do is keep myself safe until that call tomorrow, or ring them if I’m struggling.
Just get through the night loopy…
Loopy x
I’m really struggling. It’s been a tear filled Saturday and all I can think about, is just ending it all.
I can’t think straight, I can’t cope, i don’t know what to do.
What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?
I need time off work I think. I need a break. I need help.
My head is frantic, the suicidal thoughts won’t shut up. Please shut up!
Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!
Loopy x
The pressure starts in the crinkle on my nose between my eyes. It builds and moves to my head and my ears and I begin to hear pounding, louder and louder and LOUDER. Sometimes my ears feel hot, but not always. Finally it spreads to my lips and I can almost feel them swell. I can still breathe but it’s laboured…..and then I release………
It’s actually a little painful when I do, but then comes the rush of relief…mild euphoria.
I don’t know why I’m doing it, I don’t know what I get from it, and I don’t know why I want to do it again, but I do….
I don’t tie it, so even if I were to pass out, my hands would drop and it would fall away. It’s escalating though. I’ve done this in hospital, and rarely but occasionally at home. Today it’s all I can think about.
It always starts in the crinkle of my nose……….
Loopy x
I’m done with this pregnancy. It’s a horrible thing to say, but I don’t think I want another child. I won’t cope with 2. I’m already terrible looking after 1.
I’m thinking about suicide. I don’t think I could ever harm an unborn child though. I’m feeling trapped, and scared…..and alone.
Loopy x
1. Lose weight. I’m going to do it as soon as I can. I’ve bought more Orlistat, I’m desperately trying to get my hands on saxenda, and today I went back on my bike. I feel grotesque, a beached whale, a fat ugly rolley polley.
My first attempt at getting Saxenda failed. Stupid Loopy, you’re fake BMI was too low. Rookie error. My 2nd attempt- well I’m still waiting on the outcome. Fingers crossed. It’s funny, when I was doing my PhD I used to joke that we should all be taking GLP-1 agonists, which is what Saxenda is. They make you feel fuller, delay gastric emptying and have been shown to aid weight loss. Typically used to treat diabetes but now also approved for weight loss in morbidly obese individuals.
Next resolution. Self harm more. Yup I know how ridiculous that sounds. I should be trying the opposite, but /I’m stressed and it calms me. I have this mad craving to use a clothes iron. I’ve been fighting the urge for weeks now, sticking with the straighteners, but I don’t think I’ll be able to relax if I don’t try it. I can’t make sense of these urges at the minute, but they’re showing no signs of easing.
Next one- no hospital admissions in 2021. This past few years I’ve been in and out of psychiatric wards, and to be honest, at the moment I wish I was back in. That’s usually a sign that 1. I don’t actually need to be in, and 2. A sign that my stress and feelings of being overwhelmed are growing. But stay out this year Loopy. You need to stay out.
Last one for now- try to talk more with your key worker. Seek out more counselling and oh this is a big one- share your food struggles with OH.
That’s it for now folks. A mixed bag /I’d say.
Loopy x
I scoffed, I puked and I wept. Scoffed some more, puked some more and wept some more.
Tonight my arm is scorched white. I want to use an iron, a clothes iron, but I’ve resisted. Hair straighteners brought that wonderful sense of calm. The pain is so intense, that the calm feels all that sweeter.
I’m disgusting, I’m ugly and I stink. Literally stink. Bathing has felt all too much lately.
I want to buy Liraglutide. The Orlistat simply isn’t cutting the mustard.
Oh well.
Loopy x
I blog during the intervals. But first I ran down stairs for some comfort food. I need it!!
The drawing above is an iceberg we were asked to sketch down. They’re a big fan of journaling. Below the surface are my instant thoughts about what might have led to my disordered eating. Note I’m a comfort eater.
It’s a bit scrawled so I’ll type them here.
1. I feel ugly.
2. Someone died because off me.
3. Mum wanted “normal” children.
4 . Thin is good, fat is bad.
5. I’m a terrible mum.
6. Fat albinos look worse than thin ones.
7. When I purge more, I burn less (oh that ones caught me off guard!, dunno where that came from.)
8. Thinner feels better.
I’m exhausted, it feels very raw and it’s bedtime now. Oh I’d love some zopiclone!! Or a burn, or a purge or all of these things. I think I have a sneaky box off Z’s somewhere.
On a final note, and this might offend some, which is not my intent, but they’ve been pushing “faith’ again this week. It spurts from their mouths sporadically, and everyone except me seems to be receptive to it. It’s making me feel like the “black sheep”
We were asked to think off someone we’d love to meet or go on a walk with. My head was screaming; the founder of the theory of evolution. But his name escaped me. Off course; Charles Darwin!! You know this Loopy, but it’s probably best that you forgot. I said nothing…….
Loopy x 😦
They’ve touched more than a few nerves this evening. I’ve had to turn my camera off. I’ve had a bad day with food, and talk off addictions etc has left me craving zopiclone. I need to burn I think.
They’re a nice bunch of people, but I cannot speak. I cannot contribute. I cannot cope tonight.
What the fuck is wrong with you Loopy?
What I will say though, is that I don’t have an eating disorder. Probably mildly disordered eating.
I’m an awful, awful AWFUL parent. I’m not sleeping, I’m tired and I’m short tempered. Today has been hell! It started with pure child neglect on my part. Little man was coughing so couldn’t go to preschool.
He got up at his usual 7am. OH was working, and I was in bed. Little man took himself downstairs. I could hear him, as all the doors were open, but I could not muster any energy to join him. I’m not sleeping. I’ve been zopiclone free now for almost two weeks. we briefly tried temazepam, but then we switched to prazosin. It’s prescribed off label for PTSD type presentations, to supposedly aid with sleep. It does fuck all.
Anyway about half 8 I dragged myself downstairs and little man, who is only 3 (nearly 4) had made his own breakfast, poured a bowel of cornflakes, added some milk, and successfully chopped up strawberries and blueberries with a sharp knife from our kitchen drawer. To be fair the mess was minimal, the chopped up fruit were fine, and there were no severed fingers or anything.
I felt sad though, worthless, unprotective, uncaring, and neglectful. My 3 year old is more capable and self sufficient than me at the moment. He deserves better. He needs someone other than me in his life. I’m going to damage him. I’ve already damaged him.
You’d think that such a stark realisation this morning, would spur me on to do better, for the rest off the day. You’d think I’d play with him, give him love and care, but no. Today I couldn’t stand to be around him. Today every laugh, or shout or cry for attention grated on me terribly. Today I fobbed him off with good old parent iPad.
I just want him to go to bed now. I want him to shut up. I want the noise to stop!!!
I can’t face another day tomorrow.
Loopy x
I’m back in counselling. 6 sessions I’ll get and then will just stay on the waiting list for proper psychology. I like her, which is good. I instantly liked her, but she’s set me some homework.
1.Practice mindfulness when you’re not stressed. Practice everyday!!
2. Notice what anxiety feels like in your own body. What does it do to you?
I’ve failed on point 1 today, I’ve not practised. On point two, my mouth dries like the Sahara, my mind bounces from thought to thought irrationally, my chest and jaw tighten and I twitch. Lots of little involuntary muscle spasms.
Loopy x
What really happens in somones head? 