305. I’ve ordered pills.

As part off today’s spending spree which includes a bike light, toothbrush heads, and charcoal toothpaste, I’ve also ordered zopiclone.

I can’t fully explain why I’ve bought them. I just know that I’ve been craving their sedation and I can’t resist the urge any longer. I’m not coping.. I guess today’s actions are proof of that.

I’m losing control….

Damn it Loopy!!! Now where’s that safety plan of yours??!!!

Loopy x

302. No space.

I’m exhausted, physically exhausted. It’s inexplicable really, or maybe it’s just a come down now that we are officially home.

In truth it doesn’t feel much like home to me. It feels claustrophobic, feels like I’m being scrutinised and just overall feels a little uncomfortable. OH’s family are lovely but I need my own space. I’ve not yet secured employment so for now we’re stuck.

I’m getting frustrated at my lack off alone time. I need to burn but I can’t get any space to do it. There’s always someone around, and it’s causing me to feel more tense.

I’m also sporting a marvellous blubbery rubbery mess around my midsection that Michelin or Bridgestone would be proud off. I wonder if I dug out some grooves for grip, would it be more efficient now to tip me on my side and just roll me to my destinations!

Loopy x

284. Alone again

Today I’m on my own for the first time since my last hospital discharge. OH is away to see our son (who is staying with grabdparenrs) and he has a job interview tomorrow.

I’m flying over on Saturday morning. It will be the first time I’ll see little man since April 3rd.

I’m nervous, more than just nervous and today I’m alone.

Damn it Loopy, turn your head off. Go distract yourself. Do not do anything stupid!!

Loopy x

283. The allure of zopiclone.

Yesterday I had an anxiety filled day. I went to meet a friend for coffee. I’d forgotten how uneasy I would feel on the train. Paranoia took hold, and I could feel a thousand eyes glaring at me.

Last night in bed, my head raced, and I once again found myself googling zopicline.

I didn’t buy any, but I came close. This particular demon is hard to shake

Loopy x

269. Restless legs.

My foot has been tapping relentlessly this past few days. I could give Michael Flatley a run for his money.

When I try to restrict it/ hold it still, a wave of tension moves through my whole body causing me to clench and squeeze my limbs awkwardly. People keep telling me it’s anxiety, but I don’t believe it is. I blame my pills.

They won’t give me any PRN at all. It’s incredibly frustrating and making me want to burn, to take the edge off.

Loopy x

264. It’s not that simple.

The doc in here is too black and white. “You need a plan loopy” “you need to quit something”

He’s not seeing “me”. I’m so much more than just an over tired working mum. I’m a self loathing mess, crippled with self hatred and self doubts. I have a complex past that has shaped who I am today. I am not black and white I am different shades of grey.. only grey.

They’re all dying to discharge me. They can’t see what I and my CPN can see, I need more help. I need to be moved to the ward with the clock. They had more empathy, more compassion and gave more of themselves to understanding “me”

Having said that, I’m being unfair. The staff do try but I’m not comfortable enough yet to open up.

I need to ligature. If I’m lucky, I’ll pass out.

Loopy x

262. Ligatures and lost dreams.

I had done it. I had landed a premium position at a Russell group university. It was my dream job. I had worked so hard to get to that point and now……..

Now I’m probably throwing it all away. Now I can see no better options but to relinquish this positiin and head, tail between my legs for home.

I simply couldn’t cope. This morning I tied a sheet around my neck and flopped head thumping to the floor. It wasn’t tight enough, and staff found me.

I want to do it again, tighter this time… I want someone to take my angst away. I want to feel like less of a failure. I want to die.

I really don’t know how to continue living.

Loopy x